It's the warmest december I can remember. If i just look at the sky, it a winter sky, clear and crisp. The ground doesn't have an inch of snow, I don't really have to wear a coat outside. The ground bleeds mud, pleading to the sky for snow. Perhaps this is the weather, yet again, paralleling to my life. Situations that are too warm for the season, so muddy i could easily get stuck in it. So my plan is to follow that clear crisp sky and inhale the cold air til my lungs hurt.

Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad
We put our feet just where they had, had to go
Never to go

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times

Tales of the Babysitter

Everything changes, thoughts of life coming begins to feel like a sucker punch to the stomach. I've gotten so close to one family and now they plan to leave. Three years of breaking the children in, three years of learning the routine; bedtimes, feeding times, play times, 'brush your teeth' times, and the, 'goodnight we'll play tomorrow' times, has become quite the bittersweet feeling.
Now I've got to say, I've been babysitting since I was 12, and by the time I hit 16, i said to myself I was never going to have kids. Way too much work for snotty spoiled children. Way too much to lose. You could really screw up a kid, and a kid isn't any toy you can just throw away for the night, because you want to go out...even if you haven't seen the kid for 3 days. Which specifically reminds me of a few families, and yes I know we all have our own dysfunctional families (especially my own), that are the parents who have kids for career moves or because all the other house wives are doing it. Or another family, who couldn't manage their 4 year old twins, so gave them everything they wanted, even if it didn't fit within their budget...but a crying kid (times two!!) is worse than stubbing your two, or missing the nail and hitting your hand, on purpose. Which then leads to a babysitter's nightmare: The Creepy Dad (aka Chester the Molester), Denis The Menace Twins (which made HIM look like an angel!), The Overprotective Mother (who happens to call every 20 minutes just to "check up"),
The Child Who Just Learned How to Lie (it becomes their favorite game after that), The Parents Who Underpay Even Though They Have the Money, And finally The Three's a Crowd So Let's Invite the All the Neighboorhood's Kids For the Night.

But I'm not here to complain, I'm here to look back fondly. Because now, the last and only family I babysit anymore, has decided to move. And they were great parents, with great kids. The one family who has redeemed my lost hopes for parenthood and children.
Maybe I will have kids someday.

no hesitation

I don't know what i said last night, drunken phone calls always leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The last thing I remember is the tears rolling down my face and repeating, "I don't think I believe you anymore." Whether that was in my head or was actually said, I have no idea.
My mind feels so fresh out here. I have nothing expected of me, and I am actually giggling and laughing hysterically like a girl my age should do every day. But being home with all the pressures an average person faces, I have a lack of the needed laughter that I am getting right now. There's excitement every hour, figuring out, whats next, who to see next. I won't hesitate no more, no more.

Free food, free laughter, real life. I love my friends so much, my appreciation exceeds anything right now. They give me strength in the places where I am the weakest.


It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved.

no hesitation

I don't know what i said last night, drunken phone calls always leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The last thing I remember is the tears rolling down my face and repeating, "I don't think I believe you anymore." Whether that was in my head or was actually said, I have no idea.
My mind feels so fresh out here. I have nothing expected of me, and I am actually giggling and laughing hysterically like a girl my age should do every day. But being home with all the pressures an average person faces, I have a lack of the needed laughter that I am getting right now. There's excitement every hour, figuring out, whats next, who to see next. I won't hesitate no more, no more.

Free food, free laughter, real life. I love my friends so much, my appreciation exceeds anything right now. They give me strength in the places where I am the weakest.


It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved.

this coffee's cold

How music makes such a difference in my life. I can't write without it.

There's this lesson I'm learning about life...if i want to do something, I can't wait to find another person to do it with me. I need to learn to just get up on my own and get shit done. Perhaps I rely on other people because this person looks like he's got everything together. But in reality, everyone's just floating with the wind and I've anchored myself with doubt and guilt. She has a plan, so I must scratch one up out of the dust i've buried myself in. I can't follow someone elses dream... or their plan b for that matter. Stop trying to make your life parallel with his.

All of my posts are so melancholy. I don't know whether to write, well it's not so bad, because it really isn't... or to write i feel like i'm being dragged along because plan a has dissolved.


Seriously though, i'm afraid of plan b. Plan b is surburban, Plan b is settling.

at the bottom of the ocean

Look at the caller i.d. and freeze. My future just keeps creeping up on me.
The greatest of heroes had turmoil on their journey to who they were meant to be. And when it comes to mine, I just sit back and think well that's too hard, it's too far. there are so many options in life. will i be forever disappointed in myself for not following through with photography. After so many signs that I was on the right path... only to quit at the first sign of trouble.
But as I move on, working as server, I'm in a comfortable zone... well maybe I should just become a nurse and have cushy hours and full benefits along with the holidays off.
CCAD sprained my spirit. I'm on crutches. Lost because I need to find the "easiest path". I'm just so nervous to throw it all down and go after it one more time.


You can brave decisions Before you crumble up inside Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide


You can wait for ages Watch your compost turn to coal Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old

no words

Funny how i think of something to say. and the moment i put it down, i immediately wish to erase it. I guess I'm always looking for the perfect words to say. I want to be careful, make sure I understand what I am saying and if I really mean it. Half the time I don't mean it, it's just aching to be said.
Another funny, how I am dying to hear words most women would hate to hear. I see it in his eyes, trapped. It kills me that your mouth is saying different words than your eyes. I stare, tears rolling down, my eyes are pleading with his, but still no words.

Perhaps then, silence is the best measure to be taken. A safety net so things are not out of hand.


A moment of silence, please.

I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will. s. plath


i fixed up my profile and changed my picture. things were getting old. i almost changed the template too, but nothing is as dramatic and eye catching as this white on black.

i have begun to remember most of my dreams in the mornings. I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they aren't exactly pleasant. and like most of the dreams i remember, the all have a reoccuring theme wrapped in them. last summer: oranges, this fall... well it's silly so i will keep it to myself.

what to do now... these materials one day shall rise up and swallow me.

If there is less arguing there is less conflict. But pent up anger between the both of us, will make someone explode. Last night was like a conversation on replay, and it went on all night. You don't like advice that doesn't sway to your way. You are just as confused as everyone else, so why don't you just drop the "i know everything"bit. I mentioned travelling a week ago, and have heard nothing of the idea from you what so ever since then.
I would never travel with you? I think it's the other way around.
I've got nothing,stuck in this small town, opened my world back to you, and you don't want anything of it. If you just want to travel with your friends, please go ahead. But don't leave me here, on the back burner, so you have someone to call when you're lonely on the road. I would like to say i'm trying as hard as you, but i don't think you are trying that hard.
I really did want to see that movie. But after last night... not with a group of people, not with the people you rival with, pick-on, and leave invisible. In a group of people, I disappear. Try to get a word in, but it's damn near impossible.
"you were so worth..."
"you're allowed to do this now..."
those phrases are only for toys, or children. Which by the way I am neither. I'm also not the punching bag for you to release all your anger on. I will be your shoulder. Or your brace.
Take it out on someone else bud. I like bright eyes. No need for you to sit there and smash it, because you know i like it and you're angry.

if you're really just going to leave me on the side, please let me know so I can start walking now.
God knows I can't stay here much longer.

As my suggestions are completely ignored and replaced with a new idea ( which isn't necessarily bad) I must come up with ideas on my own. Which is much harder to carry out when no one is beside you, pushing you to do something.

I'm jealous .

I can't really go see the three sisters by myself. I have to take someone.

Maybe I'll cozy up to the brother and the wife and see if i can hitch a ride back to nurnberg. I know it's a terrible thing, but everyone thinks something along those lines in their life.

I wish i could go to Canada. But that's another place I'll have to go on my own.

night drive

Painted, went to the gym, and now i plan to go to work on my day off. And what motivates me to do this? Money. Oh the pain of money... Need it, want it.
My brother and his wife coming home in a month. From germany. Is it terrible that sometimes i don't even think of him.

And I sit here, and i still don't think of him. Something else is rotting in my mind.
Sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes, people just need an excuse.

this is want. here.

i don't know if i made the right decision. perhaps i was too quick to decide. which happens to be my greatest ffault. my impulsive nature, always wanting things now. i want to be ok right now. "it's for the best" i whisper to myself at night. read the book, forget about it. get coffee with friends you rarely see. in this town you're all alone. but please remember me. i should have just left. we should have just drove to oregon. God I'm 18 and i am full of regrets. I don't say things i mean. I'm sorry. I wish. I wish. Oh god, how i wish for things. Life has just bogged my mind down. Why do I plan to go to college when i have no idea what the hell i am doing. Why throw this time away with school, when unhappily I will have to make a decision to do something with it. my misery.
I want to throw up. my impulsive nature is saying, life is slipping away. you're wasting time. go, please, just go. if you stop, so will the world. and I write this and immediately regret thsi. you're a drama queen. i hear a knowck, or the dogs are barking, so i run up the stairs, look out the window and look for the lumina, for my mistake coming to fix itself. if i sat in a chair in front of a man in that white coat, and he looked at me, could he fix me. could he tell me what the hell i need to do. or give me medication to help me solve the problems on my own. God used to be my man in the white coat, but i can't talk to him anymore. my father used to be the man with the answers and now he is just someone i keep the peace with. my poor mother, shunned from my world. i can't let her know, would she really understand, or would she just tell me that i am a fuck-up and i did it. i want to live the life now. passionately, without fear, or the ridiculous obligation that follows me like a ball and chain. my guilt eats away at me. please just be happy with what i can give you. i can't give a lot, i must give a fair share to everyone or no one. i wish i could give you more. but i can't. i physically can't. i wish i could just go. i'm so dependent. my coffee sit untouched. cigarette butts all over my car. oregon. every one has a place that means something to them.mecca, isreal, oregon.
i want to hide this post. but it doesn't give me the satisfaction. the chance of a random person commenting on it, saying things that will hurt, or offend, you a piece of comfort, only as much as typed words from strangers can give you.
why can't i just call you, leave my job, and go cross country.

i'm sorry for the mess i made of myself.

i felt so full, heavy, a bloated mind.too much to think. so after having something terrible for me and a milisecond cry, along a 5 minute drive. I returned to the composed side I had been lacking for the day.
SO note to oneself: go for a drive when things are full.

full

i hate waiting. waited for alli two days ago, for three hours, ended up it was too long and i had to leave due to traffic. last night, i promised to stay up for beth, six pina colidas later... no call no show. and now another wait, to hear from joe, which even when i do hear from him he will make a suggestion to go to a place that i really don't want to be, but i really don't want to be here either.
the tension is so palpable i could chew on it. the only thing that's heard is the bird's chirping. my father's furrowed brow is loud enough, words i suppose aren't needed.
been there done that. i'd really rather just avoid you than hear that speech.
i'd really just like to avoid everyone.

there was a brown praying mantis on my apartment door, just after making a huge difficult decision. he was completely still trying to blend with metal.

doesn't that mean good luck?

hi all.

so now having so much trouble with this school,my mother tells me i should look elsewhere in majors and careers besides the arts.
i love the arts...but perhaps my mother is right.

so after watching bravo, i kinda lookking at real estate? is that weird? probably...but anyways the outlook is faster than average, and schooling could either be between 3 weeks to only 2 years, then you go straight into your career. and if i got a mentor i have a better chance at being successful.
i'm not giving up on photography yet, but it would be smart to also loook into other careers too.

its so hard picking out a career. especially when i am spending 30,000 dollars to a school that isn't teaching me anything thats directly related to my major because of a freshmen year requirements.
plus even if i leave my major, photography will always be with me anyways. it's something i could never really give up.
lee what do you think?

chroma glow

i'm the girl on the escalator going the wrong way. the one who can't swim and ended up in the deep end.
my mother thinks that the arts aren't for me.

then i honestly don't know what is.
i was sure that photography was.

how come in this school, to be a photographer, i have to be a painter and an illustrator also? my parents probably think i'm a failure. and my cash flow is insanely low. he doesn't call or even answer my calls.

this is me in a pit of depression. i have a painting class next... which i enjoy to paint but hate the critiques. I know mine isn't the best compared to everyone else, but compared to what i have done and my abilities its my best. and if my best isn't good enough, well i just don't know what i can do.

all i want to do is travel. thats it.


goodness i wish i was a smarter person. i make stupid decisions and overestimate myself. time and time again.


my life is too real. far too real.

Catch-up

I can't write long. But I would love to. I decided after class to go get a sandwich and coffee and sit behind the big window in front of the cafe. I watched students flutter by in the rain. Trying not to get their projects and sketch-books drenched in the rain. The good thing about CCAD is there are plenty of huge windows to just daze into and watch the world.
Especially when I need a break.

I'm a bad student. Bad.

Well all I know is that i came into the computer lab to do a project and have ended up on blogger. yet again.
My painting class takes too much out of me to do any work beforehand.

It looks like at this school, everyone is trying to play catch-up. We weren't ready for this world, we were already behind. Always playing catch-up. I know I am. This is due tomorrow, so i can't do the homework for today. The vicious cycle takes a toll on the art students, the standards and cookie cutter techiniques would rip out the soul of any creative young thing.
But it's good for me. I haven't gotten my artist soul yet. hehe. I am in the process of creating one. I don't have much techinique anyways, but I know a few mournful alumni's that miss the way they used to paint, the old ways of drawing, the amatuer youthful style which has become traditional and clean cut.
she tells me she can never get it back.


sad story. but like i said before...i don't draw or paint, so i suppose this is good for me to atleast have one. I'm not picky.

No internet in my place for 5 weeks. That's hard. Let me tell you.

Numbers

I am beginning to understand a little tiny fraction of myself. In this day and age, you must be quick on your feet, fast paced fast thinker. The world roars 'go', as i stand still, watching and waiting for the perfect moment to act. I am by no means anal or a perfectionist. I like to go slow, I like to relax, and I like to handle things at a speed where I am most comfortable and I can truly understand the thoughts that wave in my head. New ideas to be tossed actually is a long process for me.

SO why in the world would I try to take on more than I can handle. Some would call me stupid or far too slow. But it would be stupid of me to do too many things, and create anxiety that doesn't need to take place in my future life-time. And if i can prevent that, by all means I will.
This is my own explanation of why I dropped my 3D class.
Basically my mechanics suck, and i truly cannot handle an 8th class to the schedule. Sorry CCAD, cannot and willnot try.


I have also recently discovered that the graduation rate at Columbus College of Art and Design is quite the meager number.
49% of students will graduate from CCAD. This is apart from the 41% who drop out or transfer to a different school after their first year.


If I was the school, I wouldn't be promoting those statistics.





Either way, life is too short for me to be stressed out over classes that aren't of any specific interest to me. I will take things slow, completely understand , and do things the way things should be done for me.

I find no stupidity in that.

Numbers

I am beginning to understand a little tiny fraction of myself. In this day and age, you must be quick on your feet, fast paced fast thinker. The world roars 'go', as i stand still, watching and waiting for the perfect moment to act. I am by no means anal or a perfectionist. I like to go slow, I like to relax, and I like to handle things at a speed where I am most comfortable and I can truly understand the thoughts that wave in my head. New ideas to be tossed actually is a long process for me.

SO why in the world would I try to take on more than I can handle. Some would call me stupid or far too slow. But it would be stupid of me to do too many things, and create anxiety that doesn't need to take place in my future life-time. And if i can prevent that, by all means I will.
This is my own explanation of why I dropped my 3D class.
Basically my mechanics suck, and i truly cannot handle an 8th class to the schedule. Sorry CCAD, cannot and willnot try.


I have also recently discovered that the graduation rate at Columbus College of Art and Design is quite the meager number.
49% of students will graduate from CCAD. This is apart from the 41% who drop out or transfer to a different school after their first year.


If I was the school, I wouldn't be promoting those statistics.





Either way, life is too short for me to be stressed out over classes that aren't of any specific interest to me. I will take things slow, completely understand , and do things the way things should be done for me.

I find no stupidity in that.

the city slumbers

the city isn't big but it sure is lonely when you're out there by yourself. i guess things will change by tomorrow, because if they don't i'm not going to stay here long.
my apartment is the kind of apartment you would imagine a starving artist living in. so i guess we mesh, the apartment and i. i tried to make it nice, with the stained antique chair that also happens to be broken. 780 dollars worth of supplies lying all over my floor. i have no where to put it. along with my sanity.
perhaps i really am insane.
i havent had the internet for a good week. found the library. it's quiet here. it's quiet in my apartment. the city is a quiet one.
i can't go out at night, because there are hobos in the park which is only a few buildings down. people get jumped i'm told. and a young girl like myself shouldn't go anywhere by myself.
i am going to make myself potatos tonight. a comfort food that is always appreciated. says my stomach.


here it is again. nothing to blog about except food and a couple oddities that spring from the mind.

i told someone a few days ago that i had no imagination. i cried later repeating the words," I do have an imagination."
i was just trying to convince myself.

instead of going out on a friday night i stained, painted, and cleaned my furniture for the new apartment.

i'm obsessed with my new old vintage chair, ripped the old stain off, cleaned off the gooey grime and stained the beautiful wood arms. looks good. now i have to clean the pads.

i also have a huge lamp that stands about 4 ft. looking like it was from the 30's. brass round bottom. gorgeous.

and painting ugly old dressers. oh well i am excited.


this is my life

i hate going through the motions. every morning is a routine.

my car died, which throws a wrench in the usual. i got an apartment for super cheap close to my college. do polaroids have black and white film? they probably do.

i'm starting to freak out. this whole new situation equates to some harsh anxiety.

i got my tattoo. no pictures quite yet. sorry dear lee.

someone asked me at our vegetarian barbeque if i was an only child. i told them "no but I am the only sane one" which is a lie. i've come to the realization that i am as wacko as the next, i just may be able to hide it better.

i will finally live on my own. no one else. just the city and i.

i'm off to hide in the real world, doing real worldly things, such as working and fixing my car.

The coffee is churning in my stomach. I just want to listen to the beatles and smoke my cigarettes. But I have one left and the song I want to listen to is not on my computer. Early mornings and late nights drive me through the roof. emotional uproar. I see myself as all these different ideals, i can't choose one so i am them all. a mess. i have a tatoo. of an orange tree and black birds. sitting on the porch i got to watch one eat their breakfast. perhaps a sign. banana pancakes. why has the bachelor degree become the diploma? how come I am spending 120,000 dollars to have a job that will never be able to pay back? and why does it take to get money you must spend some. i will not make it in college. i do not draw neither do i paint. these ideas come to me but i have no abilities. no motivation. i close my eyes and look into the sun and i see a mustard yellow sky with dead trees. perhaps it's the desert or perhaps my soul. dried up. polaroids. black matte board and a series of six. alone in the house with only franny and zooey to provide company. anthem. worldly. indian. european. california. she does acid now. nicotine and caffeine. what a cliche. 2 weeks then ten days until i leave. i'm looking through you, where did you go. mail man where are you. where are the messages on my answering machine. where is my apartment. where is tennesse and kentucky. brush strokes and orchids. the dandelions may just swallow me up. the oranges are falling from the tree. drop drop drop. the orange doesn't fall far from the tree. where have i fallen. where was my mother. unstable sunken eyes. 100's, super longs. virus on my laptop. what a party. so hollow, empty. the familiar faces, only acquaintances, i must drive drunk one says. what big eyes you have grandmother. individuality is a lie. something the artists do to calm their nerves. set yourself in denial. ms. ono did you break up the band? let it be. this is not my time. and neither was yesterday or tomorrow. oh pyschologist what part of the brain do you find me. i'm not on the map. i'm in the mustard yellow desert. with rasberry dessert. green grapes. orange melon. blackberries off the vine that climbs on the fence next to our garden. we left our garden for a small plot of land and a box to live in. i want to shave my skin of and find the real me. you hate my tattoo. i hate your cuts. look around you, this life was not meant to be a tragedy. if you want to be miserable to find happiness you life will be on a dead end road. there's no outlet deary. dreary. hot and muggy. the album is white. the vinyl is blue. the cd's are pink. here comes the sun. everyone's gotta learn sometime.

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you


such strong words. i don't mean it. really. surburbia you are eating me alive. there's no damn good place here. where can i take your photo? no where. where is elise. or candace. or whoever the hell i am. turn the lights off and go back to bed. do the laundry and eat your pancakes. i love you.

i think i want to get a tattoo.

i had joe sketch me up an orange tree and two black bird flying from the branches. I've had many dreams about oranges or orange trees.

anyways it looks really nice.

the winter's breath

i really hope i don't work today.

currently i am reading franny and zooey. perhaps i don't have much to say anymore because i haven'tread anymore. there's something to discuss thats better than " i don't know".

my faher and i used to have conversations when i agreed with him. Now I am constantly insulted and even a little ignored until his guilty conscious eats away at him. Lately I am a "communist" or better yet a "fascist" because i have gone vegetarian. Today he told me "I didn't know I raised Gandi." in a very negative way. Which personally to me doesn't make sense because he was a good guy.

Then again I don't think i should let any of this bother me because my father used to tell me when I was little, " You don't want to play soccer. Soccer is a communist sport."

And my mother just sits there on my father's side because she has nothing to say and much rather be angry and miserable in her life than just support her drama. My family lives on drama.

After feeling very alone, i imagined myself curling up so tightly into a ball that i turned into a period mark in the sentence. I don't say much, but i finish the sentence. I just want to finish.

i wrote a poem a long while back. I have only allowed one person to read, who happened to love it. Unfortunately I know for a fact that joe would hate it and probably tell me it was ridiculous. I've wanted to post it, although it's unfinished but my insecurities hold me back. its ok if i'm not a poet. really. it is.

i miss the winter's harsh night air. where it slightly hurts to breathe but you can feel it in every bone.

and the devil says call me outside,
I'll come running down into the vacant, intoxicating night,
call me outside to their haunted streets, their red electric lights,
I'm on the sad side of a nowhere town,
but sister I'm all you got so call me outside,
I'll come running down 

First fry up onions, green peppers, mushrooms, throw in a little bit of garlic garlic seasoning. Cook until tender and smelling yummy! Put on a plate with cover. Next take 2 eggs, a tad of garlic salt, and a capful of milk. Scramble up. Put scramble eggs in spinach wrap and top with vegetables. Add some salsa and sprinkle on some mozzorella cheese. Eat with tortilla chips

My lunch. Delicious.

I think I need to go to a doctor. For these reasons:

A. I think I have vertigo.
B. I think I am going slightly insane.


And by B. I mean, my thoughts have become cluttered, I don't think actually have one clear thought left. It's a jumbled mess. And when i get upset, it's an overload. I hyperventilate. My throat closes up. My mood is shot for the rest of the day.the first problem leads to other things that have bothered me but decided to ignore
Perhaps my confidence is at an all time low. Perhaps my stress is at the high. I'm on edge. Don't push me over. I won't come back.


“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
J. Kerouac

keep a jar handy

i want to use my charcoal. The ones that sit on my shelf collecting dust and ideas that go unused.




capture the fireflies.

wailings of the wind

I awoke this morning to my puppies horrific wailing, and for being half-awake, i probably haven't ran that fast in a long time. she's okay now. she just ran into a wire that most likely caught her neck and got scared.

a girlfriend of mine wants me to go on a fast today. no food at all. too "clean" ourselves. Here are the things we are allowed: coffee, water, and cigarettes. (?)cleanliness and cigarettes don't really match to me. no gossip or cursing either. which i like the idea.

my birthday is tomorrow. i work. no big deal though. i really don't have anything planned and no one else does either.

what do people think of me? a constant thought that runs through everyone's minds. even lee's :) . i know some people find me strange. other's quirky. but he finds me plain.
i dont think it will matter in the end, although it is interesting to find out.

got some college stuff today. i have about 8 weeks... I'm a little nervous. a plain piece of paper with a little note saying we must do a self-portrait. we can be as creative as we wish but it must be mounted, this is a tradition of the school.
so immediately i began to freak out, to overthink the whole process. where to begin. what do they consider creative. what other people are going to do. i can't really draw or paint. i'll look like an idiot. the thoughts of why the hell am i going to art school ran through my head.

a strange idea came to my mind and a grin to my face. i think i know what i am going to do. i'm not for sure...but if i do i'll let you know.



oh the wind will not blow me down.

i'm letting the dust settle

green. jade. colour me jade.

being up so early doesn't really bother me any more. I get to sit here sipping coffee and eating a banana while surfing on the internet. my thoughts are collected. i feel calm and peaceful.
being a barista is not hard work. but flawlessly, arabica management can do the job. The job is easy and unfortunately no matter where you go, the drama will follow.

I wish i was more laid-back. It shouldn't be stressful but I allow it to get to me. None of it really matters. I walk through the dining area hearing people discuss their companies relative probability, a woman gossiping about her neighbor's relationship with another male neighbor that seems somewhat inappropriate. And yet I it here and think about my puppy, and how i may find all the others thoughts insignificant, when mine are the same to them.

Sitting at my favorite thai place, my friends were chatting about the boy that one had found attractive. Beth had already made a move towards one guy the last time she came, so she was only interested in his attention. The other girl had found another guy quite attractive, but being too shy, she slumped into her chair as soon as I called him over for more water. As she left for the bathroom, we called the guy over and asked if he wanted her number. Bold, in my opinion, but he wanted it, so we gave it.
That's when my self-pity set in. Everything slowed down, my words, thoughts, and motions. The same thought rolled into my head, as it had so many times before.
And I sit here, feeling ridiculous. So i'm over it.


everything has changed, a sickening comfort zone has washed over. a neutral zone. perhaps this is just a "maturing" relationship, but it is heading into a zone I never wanted to be in. we have settled. I have settled. and I am told repeatedly that i will never find what i want, and if i do i will still find flaws and give up. give in. settle.









i am off to make coffee for the world. you should visit.

i was up and you pushed me down.

i'm ashamed of my dreams.

of plans that don't fit in yours.

who knows art anyways. i could do it. really i could.

how words can just completely be ingrained into your mind. repeating itself over and over and over again. i haven't stopped thinking about it yet.

my latest nightmares if i haven't already mentioned them: my body open and everyone taking my organs like they were candy, little kids, businessmen, family.
second: being repeatedly sexually assualted by a man who i couldn't get away from.

perhaps it is all just stress.

remember this little place? come find me here.

it's a war baby.
this is. the blog right here.

vengeance isn't my pretty side but it's there.

sweetheart...i'm so tired. so exhausted of fighting. what a task i am. promise me this and i will promise you that. i never knew that you thought of me as a child.
dad.
he wrote me a note saying he will love me even after the world stops turning. i cried.
you don't write me notes.
or visit me a work.
or give any presents showing you thought of me.
do you think of me or just yourself?
and how come everything has to be an extravagant fairytale.
i never asked for a fairytale. i asked for a boyfriend.

i don't have any feelings for the camping trip. probably more fights. probably more drama. less fun. more.less.more.less.more.less.less.less.

and who am i to be friends with. she isn't good enough. she never was. you never like her. she is a bad influence.
who am i to judge? who are you?
doesn't matter. as you hang out with your friends, and my loneliness eats me away, none of my friends are here to comfort anyhow.

anyhow, i give up and give in.
i ask too much and am too little.
never enough. i'll never be enough.


i cut out a comic for you today. it was about Wii and i thought of you. thought it might brighten your day to know i was thinking about you.

my night was full of different nightmares. in fact the last few days i've gotten a lack of sleep due to them.
the moon was shooting beams into my body. i felt my body changing,, it was scary and i woke up in a sweat.
then i was being burned in my bed by a woman in all black with a bottle of alcohol and a single match.

my eyes are puffy.

i want to pick up my mandolin again.

hey beautiful day.

so many songs to drown my ears in. which to listen to first as i give new life into this blog of mine?

columbus. i can't go back. already accepted the scholarship. i can't go back. i can't disappoint my parents, although your disappointment will probably be a taste of death also.

i have a couple of new ideas for painting. eh? painting? I don't paint. but i would like to pick it up.
lets mix this culture with my own romantic twits that inhabit my brain. it seems like a waste to be over supplied in ideas, but lack the talent to create something really great.
i also really want some charcoal. i like the feeling of charcoal.

if i stayed behind
would you let your hair grow?

ridiculous exam tomorrow. ridiculous night, tonight, i feel it coming. oh dear.

i'm dreaming of car wrecks and thunderstorms bright
let's bury ourselves

let the night feel my song.
i'll be home. oh i'll be home.

duck and cover

i should be packing more.
i was hoping you would help me, but alas you lay asleep by my side.


i feel so alone it hurts my chest.

i need this more than you know. more than i know.

i have many thing to do. and yet my laziness kicks in and i slightly just want to throw away today for some pillows and a blanket.

i am a hypocrite. i am angry for the things that you do. i hate double standards and yet I have given you many.





do you like the way it makes you feel? do you like the way it makes me feel?

geometric shapes on a coffee mug

i walked away.
which started a nervous breakdown. you wouldn't be too proud to hear what i did. i don't handle stress or anxiety or problems in general very good. with my hands shaking and my head spinning, i ran out of the house, into my safety zone. the tracker.

give me your eyes
i need sunshine

the windows were down, even though it was 10 degrees outside. heat and music blasting inside. speeding down obvious streets where cops could have easily caught me. i am reckless in moments of panic.

I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn

eventually i blocked everything and began to believe i was someone else.



i had a dream about a dance, and someone important didn't come. as I was cleaning up purple frames with pictures of everyone I loved...I broke down in front of my asst. principle and began to cry.
in the dream i was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, my throat was closing up.
I woke up there, because I couldn't actually breathe.
intense.

i just had the immense urge to learn how to play the piano.


too old. too young. too whatever. i'll just make up an excuse so I don't have to put forth any real effort.

we were a goldmine

you were a stroke of luck

so am i supposed to feel guilty for the things i have written? there is nothing to say.

my mind spins. something always holds me back. what would You like me to do? and him? what does he want? and how about my family? or abby? or angela? or beth?if you just told me what you wanted, perhaps this whole life thing would be easier. i am told one thing and your actions say something else.

we were a goldmine and they gutted us

avec toi.









flip the switch

it was the best of times....

i was told yesterday that my mind was like a bad internet connection with lots of pop-ups.



i think it is true.

where eternal paths cross

what a disappointment.

how tragic that such an opportune day must be wasted on disappointment and aggravation. this is a selfish statement, but why should i waste my time doinjg things for other people that i really don't feel like doing.

it's 8:30 and i have no one to call, i only wish i had gone to the library.
you make me sick.
at 7:00 i get free minutes, but have no one to call. i don't know what is appropriate or healthy.

who gives a damn anyways.






not you.

even artichokes have hearts

i have gained a new batch of clothes to off-set the unsettled side of myself which i must mask with track jackets and bright colours.

the weather has turned bitter-cold. another juxtaposition you ask? I hope not. In fact I hope to get over whatever jealousy and bitter resentment I have grown and grow into a more mature human being. i must get past the thorns to get to the petals.

You know her.

'tis the season they say. the season of folly and make-believe romance for one night that just will end in drama and unfortunately let-down hearts. proof, yet again, that i overanticipate the future far too often.

Since when?

winter has cast a dry spell on my works. there is much for me to do, but my tools are unavailable and my motivation has run quite low. like my car, I'm on empty.

Since always.

winter makes the heart heavy. i look for optimistic sunny days and the reassuring warm breeze. i am not suitable for a weary traveller to ask me questions. I cannot provide so I ask that He will.

these are hard times for dreamers

i must have really high blood pressure. last thursday i had two nose bleeds in one day, which I have never had before. and last night was the second time i have had an anxiety attack. my throat began to close up and everything gets dizzy.

i feel nervous blogging as i hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

i don't know whats going to happen but i am exhausted from yelling and crying.
one week left and my parents have taken everything away from a good kid.

i have been told i have to pay room and board. i have to decide whether i am a cchild or an adult. i thought the benefits of being a young adult was that you really weren't either and you were excused from deciding.

it's ok. the future calms me again.

i hate my mother. cliche as it sounds there is nothing to change her mind about what she feels about me. she repeatedly called me a fool. said some of the most spiteful and hurtful words than backed it up with that i should look around to see who is there for me.
hypocrites.

so i ended up bawling and i can feel myself starting to cry now.

it doesn't matter who you are because in the end people are going to believe what they want to believe. according to my mother i am a whore fool who has lost everythign about herself for a bum named Joe, that he has taken everything from my personality to the God i pray to repeatedly.

does it really matter.

this is a letter to the people i cannot connect or make contact with.
i give up. it is easier to sell your soul than to fight for what you feel is what i have learned. lie. the truth will not be believed so whats the point in arguing.

CCAD stands for Candace Came and Dominated

The thoughts of life roll around in my head.

Ever get tired of the same old thoughts? same old worries? I am. Man how I am sick of it all.

hopefully this will end soon.


the 2 hour trip down to columbus was worth it. everything happened very quickly so I hope to remember it all when it comes down to choosing a future. I have a chance of earning 10,000 to 40,000 dollars in scholarship money.
Woah now.
Everything went very well. And I was accepted to CCAD. the end.


Pray for me, God knows, really he does, I need it.

reckless youth

that was on an aquarium day. ridiculous face? i agree.

the intricate details of growing up

the lighting in my room just happens to be perfect. one light. blinds are closed, although that wouldn't make a difference if they were. it doesn't make my walls seem so buttery.

i've never known whats good for me.

the difference between you and me is that you are obsessed with the past and what happened, in contrast, I am obsessed with the future and what might happen. I cannot tell which is unhealthier. we both cannot enjoy the present because we are too busy looking somewhere else.

adolescence made her an activist

this is my comfort zone, making up plans for the future with someone else. it is comforting believing that someone will be there with you. i have done this since i was 13. "One day me and you will live in a big apartment together and meet our boyfriends together and get married together..."etc etc. or the more recent ideal dream of the future," Let's disappear in the city together..."

i made the mr. coffee overflow. too much water, not enough space. i lose.

my sister will be turn the ripe age of 14 this upcoming monday. i would love to just shrink her back to the age of seven. save her from the complications that every step in life will create for her.

it is all inevitable.

16 days left. My God it is coming up fast. the end is inevitable.






here it comes. it's always coming.

goodness gracious

this day has been full of emotional highs and lows. between waking early and late, winning and failing, gaining and losing... the contrasts have never been so prominent in a day as this one has.

as we sat there, in between booths something whispered to me,"this isn't it. this isn't it"

i fling between the ideas of city and the desert. two extremes. i need humanity. i need to get lost and be lost and disappear.

i have a library now. of the thing i am most passionate about. and i have equiptment but no place to put it as of now.

signs. i asked and He gave.

i wish i could spill my entire pleothora of thoughts right now. but unfortunately i am too vastly exhausted to begin.

so i wish thee farewell good friend.

oh indecision- how i abhor thee.

i carved your name across my eyelids

my brain is filled with nonsense and worthless bits of information when i should have been studying for topics that actually mattered to tests. and working for 9 hours (not complaining) can really fry a girl's brain.

you prayed for rain, i prayed for blindness.

i am changing my signature to an asexual signature. candace skinner and C.E. Skinner sound completely different and slightly more...mysterious? that's what i am going for kids.

man, i am very.anxious. heres your chance. can you handle it? are your hopes up yet? will you watch the failure flitter down with the snowflakes of january.?.

january. the month of obligation and duty. the month to start your resolutions and get things done.

the winter night sky is a completely different sky compared to summer night sky. ever notice that? the cold air and the clear nights. bright stars and calm moon. although i hate the cold...the winter night sky makes up for it.

flashback. sleeping bags. my drive-way. the stars. the very end of winter and beginning of spring. we laid there and discussed the future, the relationships, the God. i went inside to get 4 more pairs of socks. two for me and two for you. i could have laid there forever.

another flashback. summer. cool nights. fuzzy moon, the stars were the only things that stood out. dew crept up on our sleeping bags, and we watched for it in the wee hours of anticipation and excitement.

one more. winter. a little after evening but before the night sky was in full effect. 3 days after christmas. we said our goodbyes and then stood there as i threw snowballs. i just wanted to play, yet exhaustion had taken you over. no play, just sleep.

fear overwhelms me. this is it. watch it go. the months are flying by. mid-january and still so many things to do...

we promised the world we tamed it, what were we hoping for.

epiphanies in a dragon garden

tonight, over egg drop soup, i realized that conversations are empty observations overall.

sad existence.

while scholastics is burning inside my mind....no one else really cares, not even the person i wish cared the most.

and so loneliness washed over me like the weather patterns of ohio...abrupt and ever-changing.

the coldest nights have the brightest stars.

the juxtaposition of my life and the weather

one phone call, makes a huge mess out of this weekend. my hopes are up- and unfortunately there is a 25% chance that i will be let down.
what are you feeling candace?
anxiety. doubtful. i have questioned everything i am passionate about in the past 24 hours. intense.

strange how a few words or lack of words can impact a persons mood. my excitement was turned into a dreading, doubting mood after 20 minutes.

the weather is parallel with my life right now. yesterday:sunny, calm today:winter, change,dynamic.
perhaps God did that on purpose.

c'mon feel the illinoise.


I just need a little push. a little reassurance that this is right. that i'll be ok and things could work out.
patience.

my life happens to spin around and up and down. always the same cycles of being absolutley positive to uncontrollabley doubtful. we call this being psychotic. and i've got it.

i wish you were here right now.

difference between tangerines and clementines

still no word from the very hostile letter i have written. i wait still.

can you find yourself in a bamboo forest, lost in the shades of jade. with me beside you? i feel the vibrant greens seep into my skin. leave the booze and weapons behind. only passion will be found.

for you i'd wait 'til kingdom come.

the days are counting down until the leaving. of myself and of you. will fate intervene and allow my counting go in vain?

i must say being in random places by myself with things to do and accomplish, is refreshing. the commotion and movement is calming in between the music i allow myself to get lost in. my concentration is at it's peak.

this modern love wastes me.


self loathing does a person no good. the faults i have fallen upon, unfortunately, are very hard to fix. my humanly ways cannot be dehumanized until i kill the human. 707, i pray that it helps.


i do not have much to offer. and unfortunately the things i love are no good to you, or for that fact not good enough.
i wish i could capture this moment for you to experience. the sounds, the clarity, simplicity surrounds me, being alone has never been more fulfilling.

balance.

i want to take you far from the cynics of this town and kiss you on the mouth.

i've begun to read an exciting book of gothic fiction about the downfall of an idolized monk. I laughed at first seeing the book, then was immediately enveloped by the plot.
THE MONK
quite an enthralling read so far.

we've escaped winter for a short period of time. these moments are espresso and cigarettes. movement and passion. laptops and futures.

forgive me fo my shortcomings.
and the random blurbs you will never understand.

you are the bluest light.

the real disappearance of the red handed child

online letters are sweet. reeeeally they are. because instead of calling up the person and telling them what you think, you decide to write a letter out of cowardice for everyone to see. and if i hadn't accidently come upon it- i would have never known.

believe me i want YOU, specifically YOU, to read this then call me. because if YOU have something to say to ME; then f'ing say it. this is my letter to you. i have specifically written this for a response back. it is not my place to call you up and ask what the problem is. you have a problem...you bring it up.

maybe it it time some people learn the things that go on behind closed doors. this is real life- people get away with things. choices have consequences even to the best of the characters.

the red handed child is dead. and you murdered her.

try this name: C_A_N_D_A_C_E



want to know why i stayed with joe? i can give you reasons. just ask. or call me up. i really don't feel like explaining on my blog that was made for different reasons.
myspace is all drama and it never ends.




people are real lame these days.

frozen doors of a quiet morning

silence is so loud in this house it rings in my ears. a slight headache is left, my eyebrow is torn open. it was enough to leave me in strange dreams of my father and angela. so strange.

closure is the name of the game. now lets see if this girl can become eloquent with her words and drop her easy, clumsy ways of speaking. careful, careful now. it is dangerous to reopen the wounds of the past. it can leave a wake in the path of the present. be careful.

my temper is enough to leave a person bloody and regretful. it blinds me. it hinders. leaves a mark that i rightfully deserve. be slow to anger.

i sit here imagining this room to be white. with photographs covering the walls. my photographs. and i imagine his room changing, we will forget him and replace this room into something i can use. there will be chemicals and no windows, quiet and black.

did you know i have always hated arkansas? well i do.

don't be sad dear friend. i wish to go but lack the means. my future is pulling me in different directions. as a young adult i must make responsible decisions that will better impact my life for the future. i want the dream more than a beautiful place. places change, as everything else does, which contrasts with the slight hold i have on my future. i want to leave. probably more than anyone here...but life still pulls.

don't be sad, i no longer hurt over the things i used to. i have grown and learn from my past. i hurt for much different reasons now.

be calm be quiet. pages slipping through my fingers is a beautiful sound.

i can feel the vigor of life. i can't explain or expand too well upon it, but i know it is there residing within me. do you see the people who move on through life with nothing but their blinking eyes and breathing chests and beating hearts? You would not know they lived without their vital signs. i want people to know i am alive, i am passionate. passion is by far the greatest and most attractive quality i have found in life. i will strive to possess it, to be it.

they don't understand the new life, the new things, the new places... how it revives a soul. we are young, we are fresh, but they expect us to settle, to stagnate, to die. they ask me, earnestly, "why do you go?" and i must reply, " why do you stay?".

There is only one thing in life the must be constant. It is an actual need. God is my dependable, my constant, my reliable. He is the only constant you need. I've realized this. i cannot rely on people, or places, or things, these are the worlds motions and I do not wish to be of this world. Rely on Him

"brave love, dream
not of staunching such strict flame, but come,
lean to my wound; burn on, burn on."

stress was the main ingredient for today. lack of sleep... early wake...deadlines.

i wait here, for strength as the thoughts and actions of today pass by me.

time flies by. it trickles out of my hands. the pressure screams at me GO GO GO. faster! Do you have the time sir? cause i know i sure don't.


leave leave leave. everyone leaves. i'm going to be left and then leave.
everyone thinks arizona now....well maybe it's columbus. maybe i will never leave and be stuck here.
my spirit is broken by my own personal wanderings.
i'm so tired.

i write because no one listens. i wish you would, without any condescending tone. support me like i support you. i write because there are barely any comments. there are no replies that twist what i have said.
i write because it feels good and there is a lack of that in my life.


i'm crazy and alone and absurd.
2006 means coming and going and moving on.

the seagull's revenge

coffee and brownies make for a great breakfast lemme tell you.

with school back into full swing, all my responsibility has come back. not that i had much to begin with but i still regret going to bed so late and waking up so early. immediately i think exams and quizzes i took, and i think i as supposed to read for great gatsby but it doesn't matter because i've already read it. these thoughts all were rampaging in my mind in the shower.
i need to go to the bank. i need to get gas. i need to get my pictures developed. i need to think of titles NOW. i need to study. i need to figure out my life.
i need sleep.

i had another dream about the aquarium. i think i was flinging back and forth between myself looking at the fish and actually being a fish looking at myself.

good coffee cups in the morning make the world of difference with my mood.

it's ok. i know i am insane.

conflicts of enlightenment

I think I might have a panic attack. like beth did.

mistakes I cannot afford. i feel very intensely scared and confused. what exactly happened to let me drop everything?

nothing has changed.

i've changed. Since last year to now, I am constant with my personality, and yet I feel as though I have transformed into two different people. My New Years was so reflective and now I am afraid to go back and forget everything. Who I am. What it feels like to be me, because i forget a lot.

I feel like a disappointment to some. Then again, i am not sure if I really care. I have virginia superslims in my purse right now...how does that make you feel?

my dreams last night consisted of my brother and his new situation that has me in complete resentment to him. i was yelling and crying... he stood there apathetically. quite realistic in almost every sense.

i let my dirty laundry out to dry. it is a sickening habit of mine. sorry to all who must face it. even the clothes hamper.

there are moments in your life that are so exhilarating and refreshing that through the normal every-day life, it just happens to replay over and over. The same smells and sounds are re-lived in the facets of your brain. no one will ever really understand how it impacted you and why, so you just keep quiet and allow yourself the mental paradise to get away in the moment.




the rust and rain endure.

love is forgetful.