frozen doors of a quiet morning

silence is so loud in this house it rings in my ears. a slight headache is left, my eyebrow is torn open. it was enough to leave me in strange dreams of my father and angela. so strange.

closure is the name of the game. now lets see if this girl can become eloquent with her words and drop her easy, clumsy ways of speaking. careful, careful now. it is dangerous to reopen the wounds of the past. it can leave a wake in the path of the present. be careful.

my temper is enough to leave a person bloody and regretful. it blinds me. it hinders. leaves a mark that i rightfully deserve. be slow to anger.

i sit here imagining this room to be white. with photographs covering the walls. my photographs. and i imagine his room changing, we will forget him and replace this room into something i can use. there will be chemicals and no windows, quiet and black.

did you know i have always hated arkansas? well i do.

don't be sad dear friend. i wish to go but lack the means. my future is pulling me in different directions. as a young adult i must make responsible decisions that will better impact my life for the future. i want the dream more than a beautiful place. places change, as everything else does, which contrasts with the slight hold i have on my future. i want to leave. probably more than anyone here...but life still pulls.

don't be sad, i no longer hurt over the things i used to. i have grown and learn from my past. i hurt for much different reasons now.

be calm be quiet. pages slipping through my fingers is a beautiful sound.

i can feel the vigor of life. i can't explain or expand too well upon it, but i know it is there residing within me. do you see the people who move on through life with nothing but their blinking eyes and breathing chests and beating hearts? You would not know they lived without their vital signs. i want people to know i am alive, i am passionate. passion is by far the greatest and most attractive quality i have found in life. i will strive to possess it, to be it.

they don't understand the new life, the new things, the new places... how it revives a soul. we are young, we are fresh, but they expect us to settle, to stagnate, to die. they ask me, earnestly, "why do you go?" and i must reply, " why do you stay?".

There is only one thing in life the must be constant. It is an actual need. God is my dependable, my constant, my reliable. He is the only constant you need. I've realized this. i cannot rely on people, or places, or things, these are the worlds motions and I do not wish to be of this world. Rely on Him

"brave love, dream
not of staunching such strict flame, but come,
lean to my wound; burn on, burn on."