For all the people in the world that work over 60 hours a week, I bow down to you. Can't say how long I can keep up with this. I work two jobs and sleep the rest of the time I have. I was invited to go to a movie and had to decline. I could have forced myself to stay awake, only to be cranky and upset with myself in the morning. At least then I could say I've done something this week socially. I'm so sick of it all. Being dead would be more productive than the life I am "living". Go for the goal, my father said to me earlier to cheer me up. I'm ready to walk away. But to walk away, I'd have to have something to look forward to. I can't tell you what that is at this point.
Living with my sister-in-law has been a lucky break for me, and now she has accepted a job in Arizona. With that said, my current residence will be no longer. And the only place left is back to the old roost with the parents.
I feel so defeated.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Futile
I've tried to write in this box for a few days in a row, but it's harder to get the words to flow from my mind to the keyboard. It's hard for me to get my feelings out to begin with, but the constant blur of noises puts the cherry on top. My niece's screams cut through the hum of the dryer and the obnoxious commercial from the tv. It's rare for a sense of calm in the household, and today is no different.
Choices have also been difficult for me recently. They aren't life changing choices either. Would you like to go to the movies? Dinner tonight? What are you doing Saturday? Should I watch top chef or man vs food? Screw the tv, maybe I'll read the rest of Anna Karenina. But I also have the Bell Jar I'd like to read too. I'd like to start taking a ceramic class, maybe pick up embroidery again. And instead of all this, I'll end up sitting here for the rest of the night, give up, drink and go to bed early.
Supposedly I am living. This is life. Want and need. The balance is futile.
Choices have also been difficult for me recently. They aren't life changing choices either. Would you like to go to the movies? Dinner tonight? What are you doing Saturday? Should I watch top chef or man vs food? Screw the tv, maybe I'll read the rest of Anna Karenina. But I also have the Bell Jar I'd like to read too. I'd like to start taking a ceramic class, maybe pick up embroidery again. And instead of all this, I'll end up sitting here for the rest of the night, give up, drink and go to bed early.
Supposedly I am living. This is life. Want and need. The balance is futile.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Double the Dosage
2009.
Almost a year since I have wrote. 2008: a year of flip flops, depression, obsession, and new dreams. Looking back on the old posts, the dramatic self-pity is a tad bit embarassing, but I miss the release.
While I was away, I've worked steadily at my job. Health benefits, bonus,top performer, and highest six month average in my department. I suppose you could say it has been a successful run for a 20 year old with every plan and no future. The corporate life is one for a certain type of person. I respect that person. I work next to a young woman, quick to criticize, first to take credit, and of course my superior. Looking at her life, small observations, have actually been a blessing. 28 years old, overweight with a 9 year old daughter, and an addiction to pain killers prescribed by her doctor for her "back problems". She's worked at the same place for 8 years, no room to move up, and is content with the same daily grind for 40 hours a week.
I can't say I hate my job, but nor can I say that it is satisfying.
I've also picked up a second job, as a server, for 3 days a week in the evenings. A little bit of extra cash and the complete opposite of sitting on my butt 8 hours a day in front of a computer. Which may be why I haven't been on this blog for almost a year. No time and no desire to be on the computer after I have been staring at one all day.
I'm still in my relationship, four years in May. A constant push and pull, complicating and as difficult as ever.
And as for the dreaming, the constant new plan for my life, has taken a back seat for a moment. After getting the job in april, I made a vow to myself that I would stay for at least a year. And seeing how that day is getting closer and closer, I do feel satisfied with my near accomplishment.
The goal for 2009? To pay off 10,000 of student loan debt. I'm looking at november to be the goal date. Which means, I will not only be staying at my current job for over a year, but I will have the freedom to take a step back and decide what to do for my present 20 year old life.
I look at my friends in college, nervous about their own debts, the unemployment rates for the U.S., and close to graduation. Most are laid-back, perhaps naive about debts, but some are jealous of the freedom to decide. Their lives are planned out with little wiggle room. They will graduate, find a job, work the rest of their lives. Which as I said, I respect the ones who can be content with working 40 hours a week, at the same job, with no room to move. But most of my friends have never worked more than 20 hours a week, at the same place for over 6 months. How will they cope? A recently employed co-worker of mine has a bachelors degree in pre-law. She has over $80,000 dollars of debt and is making maybe $11-12 an hour. Now she doesn't plan on working there for anywhere near 8 years, or to make a career out of it, but I'm sure I'd be disappointed on how things turned out.
Which is why I plan on getting rid of my debts as much as I am fiscally able.
Another short term goal to be obtained. And maybe with my new medication, Vyvanse, I will have to focus to do so.
I was discussing my life to my father one day, tears bubbling up in my eyes, I lamented my ignorant decisions of previous years. I've been fed up of my constant distraction of different plans, the new obsession that formulates in my mind, and the indecision for the future. The short term is not the problem, it's the long term that I have difficulty even thinking of. My father then brought up how I may have ADHD, or even just a mild form of ADD. My brother and sister were both diagnosed young, but I may have slipped under the radar. I did average in school, never really pushing myself, but enough to pass. I focused on only the things that interested me and pushed math, science, and any other "boring" subjects under the rug. And with the slightest suggestion of a medical reason to blame for my decisions, I made an appointment with my family doctor for the following week. My doctor asked me a couple of expected questions about focus, frustration, and distraction. The unexpected question was about my anger. How quick was I to get angry, and how did I handle my anger. Also he asked me if I interrupted in conversations regularly. That question was very amusing to me. Yes and yes! So after a 20 minute appointment with Dr. M, I was given a prescription of a 30 mg a day of Vyvanse.
To tell you the truth, I was expecting a miracle pill. Something to even me out, balance my mind. Give me the key to my mind, for the answers locked away and hidden from myself. I've been taking the pill for 3 weeks and no such miracle has occurred. I guess a few things have been subdued, sometimes I can't do more than the one task. Also in the last argument within my relationship, I was able to take a minute and discuss calmly my concerns. But mostly I feel the same. On bad days, my mind can't help but wander to my recent place of obsession. I'm on a train to oregon, with a backpack of few things, and the freedom to do whatever I please. A few hundred dollars in my wallet, and an no alarm to let me know when the dream is over.
I am slightly worried about the distraction factor. I don't work in a cubicle, just a row of personal computers with the opportunity for a supervisor to peak over you at any moment. And with that said, I do happen to wander to google and surf the current topic on my mind. I can't help it, my job has the perpetual desire of scratching my eyes out for the fun of it. And the chance to entertain Ashley, the co-worker across from me.
I haven't been caught yet "stealing company time", but I am sure I will at some point. And the recent department meeting should have scared me straight. It was stated that anyone slacking, not hitting goal, or even conversing too much to fellow co-workers could be cause for termination. They don't want to lay anyone off, but aren't afraid to terminate employees. Don't let that fool you though, I kick butt at my job. That's part of the problem with my easily distracted mind. I was 130% over my monthly goal. It's a job that comes easy to me and an open door to the internet.
As for my blog, I do plan on getting back to writing. It's been difficult without a slightly creative release. I've abandoned you and have come back to reclaim the peace of what was once mine.
Almost a year since I have wrote. 2008: a year of flip flops, depression, obsession, and new dreams. Looking back on the old posts, the dramatic self-pity is a tad bit embarassing, but I miss the release.
While I was away, I've worked steadily at my job. Health benefits, bonus,top performer, and highest six month average in my department. I suppose you could say it has been a successful run for a 20 year old with every plan and no future. The corporate life is one for a certain type of person. I respect that person. I work next to a young woman, quick to criticize, first to take credit, and of course my superior. Looking at her life, small observations, have actually been a blessing. 28 years old, overweight with a 9 year old daughter, and an addiction to pain killers prescribed by her doctor for her "back problems". She's worked at the same place for 8 years, no room to move up, and is content with the same daily grind for 40 hours a week.
I can't say I hate my job, but nor can I say that it is satisfying.
I've also picked up a second job, as a server, for 3 days a week in the evenings. A little bit of extra cash and the complete opposite of sitting on my butt 8 hours a day in front of a computer. Which may be why I haven't been on this blog for almost a year. No time and no desire to be on the computer after I have been staring at one all day.
I'm still in my relationship, four years in May. A constant push and pull, complicating and as difficult as ever.
And as for the dreaming, the constant new plan for my life, has taken a back seat for a moment. After getting the job in april, I made a vow to myself that I would stay for at least a year. And seeing how that day is getting closer and closer, I do feel satisfied with my near accomplishment.
The goal for 2009? To pay off 10,000 of student loan debt. I'm looking at november to be the goal date. Which means, I will not only be staying at my current job for over a year, but I will have the freedom to take a step back and decide what to do for my present 20 year old life.
I look at my friends in college, nervous about their own debts, the unemployment rates for the U.S., and close to graduation. Most are laid-back, perhaps naive about debts, but some are jealous of the freedom to decide. Their lives are planned out with little wiggle room. They will graduate, find a job, work the rest of their lives. Which as I said, I respect the ones who can be content with working 40 hours a week, at the same job, with no room to move. But most of my friends have never worked more than 20 hours a week, at the same place for over 6 months. How will they cope? A recently employed co-worker of mine has a bachelors degree in pre-law. She has over $80,000 dollars of debt and is making maybe $11-12 an hour. Now she doesn't plan on working there for anywhere near 8 years, or to make a career out of it, but I'm sure I'd be disappointed on how things turned out.
Which is why I plan on getting rid of my debts as much as I am fiscally able.
Another short term goal to be obtained. And maybe with my new medication, Vyvanse, I will have to focus to do so.
I was discussing my life to my father one day, tears bubbling up in my eyes, I lamented my ignorant decisions of previous years. I've been fed up of my constant distraction of different plans, the new obsession that formulates in my mind, and the indecision for the future. The short term is not the problem, it's the long term that I have difficulty even thinking of. My father then brought up how I may have ADHD, or even just a mild form of ADD. My brother and sister were both diagnosed young, but I may have slipped under the radar. I did average in school, never really pushing myself, but enough to pass. I focused on only the things that interested me and pushed math, science, and any other "boring" subjects under the rug. And with the slightest suggestion of a medical reason to blame for my decisions, I made an appointment with my family doctor for the following week. My doctor asked me a couple of expected questions about focus, frustration, and distraction. The unexpected question was about my anger. How quick was I to get angry, and how did I handle my anger. Also he asked me if I interrupted in conversations regularly. That question was very amusing to me. Yes and yes! So after a 20 minute appointment with Dr. M, I was given a prescription of a 30 mg a day of Vyvanse.
To tell you the truth, I was expecting a miracle pill. Something to even me out, balance my mind. Give me the key to my mind, for the answers locked away and hidden from myself. I've been taking the pill for 3 weeks and no such miracle has occurred. I guess a few things have been subdued, sometimes I can't do more than the one task. Also in the last argument within my relationship, I was able to take a minute and discuss calmly my concerns. But mostly I feel the same. On bad days, my mind can't help but wander to my recent place of obsession. I'm on a train to oregon, with a backpack of few things, and the freedom to do whatever I please. A few hundred dollars in my wallet, and an no alarm to let me know when the dream is over.
I am slightly worried about the distraction factor. I don't work in a cubicle, just a row of personal computers with the opportunity for a supervisor to peak over you at any moment. And with that said, I do happen to wander to google and surf the current topic on my mind. I can't help it, my job has the perpetual desire of scratching my eyes out for the fun of it. And the chance to entertain Ashley, the co-worker across from me.
I haven't been caught yet "stealing company time", but I am sure I will at some point. And the recent department meeting should have scared me straight. It was stated that anyone slacking, not hitting goal, or even conversing too much to fellow co-workers could be cause for termination. They don't want to lay anyone off, but aren't afraid to terminate employees. Don't let that fool you though, I kick butt at my job. That's part of the problem with my easily distracted mind. I was 130% over my monthly goal. It's a job that comes easy to me and an open door to the internet.
As for my blog, I do plan on getting back to writing. It's been difficult without a slightly creative release. I've abandoned you and have come back to reclaim the peace of what was once mine.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Sunday Night Raspberries
With raspberries at the bottom of my cocktail glass, I've begun to really see what I want. Less drama, more me. Me sounds selfish, but after worrying about friends for so long, I just want to be okay by myself. I have a list of things that I want to do. And now that a secure future may be at hand, I can dream of the little things. Sewing class, cooking class, ceramics class, do I need to go on? It's about time I stop worrying about the future and focusing on the now. This past week I have had a little bit of a handle on that. With drama enveloping the first part of the week, I've decided to ignore it for awhile and see how I like it...
I don't miss it. Or the short-lasted comfort.
What I do miss on the other hand, is the comfort of a friend who knows me so well. The potential of a long lasting relationship, where both parties are willing to work on things. It's nice to take a step back and realize what it takes to make it through life. Playing in the snow, getting lost, and the forever ambition to make life better. I know better now, and I hope not to forget it this time.
Friday I had an interview, which honestly fell into my lap. Networking is a keyword I never paid attention to before. Out of the mouth of a strange coworker,whose sister needed a hard working employee. With the possibility of a really neat job, I know how important it actually networking is. One of the largest collection law firms in the nation they have decided to consider me for a skip tracing position. I get to find people all day long. I think of it as detective work. I absolutely won over my interviewers, now only a few little details in place hopefully I can relax.
I know what I need to work on. Maturing socially, slowing down, and looking at the now instead of later. And after cookies from a very old friend, I realize how important the female friends are in my life.
And the raspberries were delicious.
I don't miss it. Or the short-lasted comfort.
What I do miss on the other hand, is the comfort of a friend who knows me so well. The potential of a long lasting relationship, where both parties are willing to work on things. It's nice to take a step back and realize what it takes to make it through life. Playing in the snow, getting lost, and the forever ambition to make life better. I know better now, and I hope not to forget it this time.
Friday I had an interview, which honestly fell into my lap. Networking is a keyword I never paid attention to before. Out of the mouth of a strange coworker,whose sister needed a hard working employee. With the possibility of a really neat job, I know how important it actually networking is. One of the largest collection law firms in the nation they have decided to consider me for a skip tracing position. I get to find people all day long. I think of it as detective work. I absolutely won over my interviewers, now only a few little details in place hopefully I can relax.
I know what I need to work on. Maturing socially, slowing down, and looking at the now instead of later. And after cookies from a very old friend, I realize how important the female friends are in my life.
And the raspberries were delicious.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
baked potatoes
The strangest day happened to be yesterday. After a heavy night of drinking I am trying to piece it all together. The day was hell, full of bad wisdom teeth and fighting, then a break. The night was full of drinking, game, and dancing. Obviously I was drunk otherwise I would not have danced. As I sit here, I am a bit blown away (and hung over) over what had all actually occurred.
It's almost over.
Also, baked potatoes are the cure for the sick stomach of drinking.
It's almost over.
Also, baked potatoes are the cure for the sick stomach of drinking.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
my disgust keeps me awake
My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.
You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"
Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.
Sometimes songs just sum it up better than I can.
It's just really bad now. 4 am, wide awake, writing a blog. Maybe it isn't my stress that has been keeping me awake. And unfortunately the wine-oh it does not help me to sleep.
It was so good before, so young, so hopeful. Promises, monsters, and flying glass. What a mess.
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.
You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"
Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.
Sometimes songs just sum it up better than I can.
It's just really bad now. 4 am, wide awake, writing a blog. Maybe it isn't my stress that has been keeping me awake. And unfortunately the wine-oh it does not help me to sleep.
It was so good before, so young, so hopeful. Promises, monsters, and flying glass. What a mess.
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