i'm letting the dust settle

green. jade. colour me jade.

being up so early doesn't really bother me any more. I get to sit here sipping coffee and eating a banana while surfing on the internet. my thoughts are collected. i feel calm and peaceful.
being a barista is not hard work. but flawlessly, arabica management can do the job. The job is easy and unfortunately no matter where you go, the drama will follow.

I wish i was more laid-back. It shouldn't be stressful but I allow it to get to me. None of it really matters. I walk through the dining area hearing people discuss their companies relative probability, a woman gossiping about her neighbor's relationship with another male neighbor that seems somewhat inappropriate. And yet I it here and think about my puppy, and how i may find all the others thoughts insignificant, when mine are the same to them.

Sitting at my favorite thai place, my friends were chatting about the boy that one had found attractive. Beth had already made a move towards one guy the last time she came, so she was only interested in his attention. The other girl had found another guy quite attractive, but being too shy, she slumped into her chair as soon as I called him over for more water. As she left for the bathroom, we called the guy over and asked if he wanted her number. Bold, in my opinion, but he wanted it, so we gave it.
That's when my self-pity set in. Everything slowed down, my words, thoughts, and motions. The same thought rolled into my head, as it had so many times before.
And I sit here, feeling ridiculous. So i'm over it.


everything has changed, a sickening comfort zone has washed over. a neutral zone. perhaps this is just a "maturing" relationship, but it is heading into a zone I never wanted to be in. we have settled. I have settled. and I am told repeatedly that i will never find what i want, and if i do i will still find flaws and give up. give in. settle.









i am off to make coffee for the world. you should visit.