these books make me feel a little bit less insane

let it all fall apart. it will anyways.

i wish i could always be neutral, instead of having these little panic attacks of the future. i have been spoon-fed all my life with disgusting ideals. what i want and what i should want have always been at conflict.

this is a slight freak out mode.

i'm a very selfish person.

scary thing is- there is nothing to freak out about. I went to work today. I came home. Ate dinner. Got gas. Talked with the family...nothing was said about the future. out of nowhere did this come. is this unhealthy?

sometimes during these moments my favorite phrase is," My God, how do I get through this?" or insert another question. These are my little prayers in moments of complete self-chaos.
i've built my house on sand, and now it is too hard to tear it down.

this is me being hung up on little things. Someone just recently spoke to me and said they are really pleased with their life. Yes they've had their trials and their life is not perfect, but they are glad for where they are at now. I cannot fully say that. So many things hold me back, it makes me wonder how long it will go on. Is it just a phase of life or foreshadowing that this is life: full of binding obligations until you are torn into the one thing you never wanted to be.?.

someone is calling me, and yet again i just stare at it blankly. I can't decide if I want to talk or not.
see blogging, it lets me express myself. I am letting my "dirty clothes out to dry" without blurting it out to a person who could really careless and are blown away by my audacious manner to spill my guts.

i hate the phone. i hate not getting calls. i hate getting calls. i hate having missed calls but no messages.

i made a huge thing on redefinition. how i have become stagnant and need growth. hasn't happened yet.

flahback. summer. standing on the beach, my mother is next to my sister some feet away from me. One song was booming inside of my head, i got lost in the moon and the cool tide. the fireworks were like guns shot off for a race. i just wanted to jump into the ocean and see how far i could swim in the dark ocean. how far i could go before i was frightened of the unknown. although immense loneliness had come over me, it was dulling to any other pain. I just wanted to stand or sit there forever. to dream is better, it always has hopes, life is just full of disappointed people laying their disappointments on whomever gets put in their path.

this is the time where i study for a short while. probably not at all and sleep.
sleep.