tar filled bubbles

the aquarium was so peaceful and fun. I had the perfect group of girls. It kept my mind off of things and kept me happy and confident. I wished so bad that i was a fish. Floating around in the tank, the whole creepy people staring probably wouldn't be too fun.

I don't know me and you don't know you,so we fit so good together 'cause I knew you like I knew myself

i woke up yesterday at 8, but laid in bed listening to music until 12. I curled up staying warm, and from where I was laying i could only see this violet gray light streaming in. it was calming.

We clung on like barnacles on a boat, even though the ship sinks you know you can't let go.

i have my hopes up really high for tonight. I think i'll just blend in, but it will be awesome to observe and sit back. i need this tonight.

I was talking like two hands knocking Saying, "Let me in, let me in. Please come out."

so i have no idea anymore. i feel very lost.
ever think a lot of things have gone wrong because you didn't pray enough? well here i am. i need to pray for big things. ask for signs. and perhaps God will show mercy and do it.

oh humanity how i hate you.

i'm still in shock. out of nowhere.
i told myself to be careful.
damn.
i'm heartbroken.

bathroom floor confessions

Although secretly yesterday was one of the most difficult days... It was very good considering the situation i'm in.

A girl from work went to ihop yesterday with me and beth. It was really nice to have a new personality in the mix. It kept my mind occupied.

no one wants to die angry

This morning i woke up with memories flooding my mind. I hate this part. We were driving somewhere, we played weezer over and over again. I just kept laughing and laughing.

keep yourself busy girl.

new years has become something entirely too important for me. It's what i think about to keep my head up. I'm really excited and I don't even have plans yet.

box car racer. hocking hills. the barn.

between the click of light.

my stomach hurts. it's this sickening Oh My God feeling. If you know what i am talking about, i feel for you.

i want you more.

i probably feel sick considering the fact that all i have consumed lately is coffee. It's my unhealthy addiction. Everyone has gotta have one.

the problem with blogs... i really can't write exactly what i feel. I feel like a sap already. I really would love to just say it all. But unfortunately I have a reputation to keep up. That's probably the most disgusting thing I have ever said.

Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - but it's better if you do.

that quote just popped up in my head. slightly random but i felt it was needed.
if you're wondering about the title of this blog. I am sitting in my underwear listening to music and typing away on here.

i've got a long way to go.

Egypt's prairie land.

I walked out of that house without wiping a tear off my face. "These people mean nothing to me. And I mean nothing to them." then I left.

I put on my new shoes. Today I am going to pretend I am a real photographer, with black on, for beth.

I think I applied to NAU for early admission. But after the email I have recieved from the photography director, I am starting to think this is not the place for me. He basically told me to look at a different school if I am looking at photography. So I have applied for University of Arizona, and hopefully their art program is better. Perhaps this is a sign from God that Arizona is not the place.
Photography gives me a peace of mind. A calm I can create and control.
So maybe this is a sign from God that Photography is it for me. I love to do it. I love the boundless amounts of creativity found in it. Money never meant anything to me...as long as I do what I adore. This is what I adore.


Even though I passed up the deadline to SVA... I think I might apply anyways.



I have created a new persona over the past year of who i want to be. Everytime I have a piece of that person, I have a new found peace. It's like playing dress up or putting a mask on of your favorite person in the whole world.
She wears black. Red lipstick. High heels. And could careless about anyone around her. Maybe she smokes. She has a camera around her shoulder, her hair is pulled back.
I hate smoke.

This is me hiding.

2006 is almost here. Endings and beginnings will fill the year.
Thank GOD it is almost here.

where the wet stars are keeping their exquisite dreams

after cleaning my room and getting ready for work, I decided to surf the internet.

my conclusion: some people should not write poetry. I feel like if kim was reading this- she would whole-heartedly agree.

another conclusion: some should not post pictures of themselves on the internet. it isn't flattering.


i went to bed early last night. I felt emotionally and physically drained, but my mind was flowing with ideas for photography. Out of nowhere, in the darkness I had a whole lot of ideas. I couldn't fall asleep for anything.
I have all these photographs inside my head, just laying there. All I have to do is put it together. Super excited. Kind of nervous.

my father had even complimented me, i overheard him speaking to my uncle. he said " they aren't just photographs, it's like fine art. it's really neat to see."

i just got really pumped.


"O Love! upon thy dim shrine of intangible commeration... i spill my bright incalcuable soul."

I told her I wanted to be everything

I don't know how to put this gently....but I am typing this in bed right now. In other words, I got a sweet laptop for christmas.

Christmas, is the same every year. We have talked about the same subject since I was ten. It basically ruins christmas for everyone except the two people who find it necessary to bring it up. And my cousin loves to bring up how her and I are the only two normal ones in this dysfunctional family. Too bad she doesn't see that she is as dysfunctional as the rest. As am I.

I went to my Grandmother's house today. It is so heartbreaking to see the neighborhood dilapidate, and her house is slowly deteriorating. My memories of childhood summers are falling apart with the place. The aluminum swing set was still there, rusting away with the weather. I can smell the summer and hear the running paces between me and other children, pushing the swings at eachother.

My "uncle" Chris was there tonight. He has lost mass amounts of weight and really cannot walk too well. Even with death in close perspective, his attitude hasn't changed.

The Christmas Belle, my grandmother, has changed immensely from the time of the funeral. Her spirit is still there with us but her mind is aloof.

Read me your favorite line.
E.E. Cummings sits next to me. If you haven't read any of his works, I highly suggest it.

"i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss,"

intense.

our name is our virtue

when things start out bad, they usually end bad.

no more.

open up your plans and damn your free.



christmas seems so rushed this year. I am running around, nothing is wrapped. our thought through. such a mess. and i can't wait for the family get together. I love the holiday season, not the holiday. it's gonna be a lonely one this year.

it's a sharp pain at first, then as soon as it become habitual, it's only a slight irritation. like everything else in life: you get used to it and move on.

no more

i lack understanding of time. half way through the year...college? it's a mess. i guess i am going here and have applied there but am quite clueless. when i suggested to run away, i was mostly serious.

when i went around that curve this morning, the same one as before, i considered going as fast before. i used to see how fast i could make it around there.

i want to break something important. something about that "beauty in the breakdown" eh? perhaps someone out there understands what i just meant.


i won't hesitate, no more, no more.

crash course theory

I woke up this morning with a terrible headache. With a strange sad dream lingering in my head, I left for home.

I was going 65 in a 25 mph turn zone. I thought I was going to make the turn. Instead my car hit ice, did a 180 turn and kept sliding. I felt the car begin to tip. The thoughts, "Oh my God, we're gonna flip. We're gonna flip." Ran through my head. I think I heard Rhianna scream. I can't remember what I did, but I was able to control the car right before we slid into the ditch or hill.

my headache came back after that. i turned around, looked at my car, and got inside as if nothing had happened. I dropped rhianna off and i sat in the car. I cried. For the crash, for what had happened before i got in the car, and for what was going to happen later.

Perhaps this was another sign, from God:
be slow to anger and quick to forgive.

these books make me feel a little bit less insane

let it all fall apart. it will anyways.

i wish i could always be neutral, instead of having these little panic attacks of the future. i have been spoon-fed all my life with disgusting ideals. what i want and what i should want have always been at conflict.

this is a slight freak out mode.

i'm a very selfish person.

scary thing is- there is nothing to freak out about. I went to work today. I came home. Ate dinner. Got gas. Talked with the family...nothing was said about the future. out of nowhere did this come. is this unhealthy?

sometimes during these moments my favorite phrase is," My God, how do I get through this?" or insert another question. These are my little prayers in moments of complete self-chaos.
i've built my house on sand, and now it is too hard to tear it down.

this is me being hung up on little things. Someone just recently spoke to me and said they are really pleased with their life. Yes they've had their trials and their life is not perfect, but they are glad for where they are at now. I cannot fully say that. So many things hold me back, it makes me wonder how long it will go on. Is it just a phase of life or foreshadowing that this is life: full of binding obligations until you are torn into the one thing you never wanted to be.?.

someone is calling me, and yet again i just stare at it blankly. I can't decide if I want to talk or not.
see blogging, it lets me express myself. I am letting my "dirty clothes out to dry" without blurting it out to a person who could really careless and are blown away by my audacious manner to spill my guts.

i hate the phone. i hate not getting calls. i hate getting calls. i hate having missed calls but no messages.

i made a huge thing on redefinition. how i have become stagnant and need growth. hasn't happened yet.

flahback. summer. standing on the beach, my mother is next to my sister some feet away from me. One song was booming inside of my head, i got lost in the moon and the cool tide. the fireworks were like guns shot off for a race. i just wanted to jump into the ocean and see how far i could swim in the dark ocean. how far i could go before i was frightened of the unknown. although immense loneliness had come over me, it was dulling to any other pain. I just wanted to stand or sit there forever. to dream is better, it always has hopes, life is just full of disappointed people laying their disappointments on whomever gets put in their path.

this is the time where i study for a short while. probably not at all and sleep.
sleep.

let's elope

my sister watched me put out a notecard i need and a hair tye. I cam eback upstairs and they both were gone. I am easily angered in the morning and lets just say that i am furious.

so although my brain is fried from that ridiculous paper, i still have two more tasks: psych test and math test.

don't swallow my heart.

kim is going to boston or vermont. I am guessing her mother is supporting her? Even last night at dinner my parents had to ruin it for me. We hardly ever go, and they slide in some nasty remarks about me going so far away. I am an expert at diversion, so i easily changed the subject.

but you just licked the envelope.

after christmas and hopefully a lot of money, i will be buying my ticket to AZ, alone.

seeing more pictures of Joe's N. Mexico trip, man i just wanted to be there. see that beautiful dessert, warm dry air, get lost in the sky.

failed experiments

Christmas shopping= angry drivers. After pulling into a space in the parking lot some woman was swearing at me as she walked in...I couldn't tell you what i did.

Before that My Humps was playing. I am not usually a big fan of "hip-hop" or whatever it is, but i danced manaically like i was on E. you missed out.

I don't think i am going to get a tattoo on my foot. It's gonna be somewhere else *wink wink*.

Charlie Brown Christmas music is the only thing running through my head.

My poetry paper is going to kill me. But i feel quite accomplised. I have 1 page and a half done plus the works cited, plus the appendix. about 3 more pages to go.

I added to Joe's painted wall yesterday. I painted tea cups, an unfinished bell, a fish, and then E.E. Cummings's poem "l[a".

Perhaps tonight will be the rocking of indie

lancaster dreams

I woke up this morning not to an alarm clock, but to an intensely bright room. It actually put me in a very good mood. At school everything feels like it is in shades of grey.

After 7 hours of work, I was quite exhausted. SO after I went to a small "get-together" for birthdays, which i believe was not the best idea. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and pass out. I really didn't feel like myself there. Perhaps it was because everyone was a good 3 or 4 years older than me. Drinking games had seperated me, so maybe it was that. Or maybe it was because my curfew was only 2 hours away. Everyone was gone. Mentally.

I miss the shins of the summer and minus the bear of the autumn. I remember after getting my hair cut, i put the top down for my geo and stuffed everyone in it. With the shins blasting.

Too young, too young. How this youth is such a blessing and a curse.

I want to cross the borders, damnit.
I will.

I dreamt of lancaster last night.

I have no one to go christmas shopping with.

Miles Davis in the winter.

peut-etre

myspace- too much drama.

xanga- slightly boring

blogger- ehhh it's new. and i like to randomly blog.

the day started out depressing and aggravating, but i decided to change it all. I have many things to do and occupy me. I want to redefine my life starting with myself, then friends, and hopefully it will seep into the rest of my life.
this is my senior year and sometimes i feel like i am wasting away. i feel stupid about prom fair and dancing, and even friends sometimes. I need to revitalize the care-free attitude i once had and allow myself to have fun.
.little italy.indie rock night. dancing. ice-skating.movies.

it is time.redefinition.

people are coming and going in my life. i often will find myself hung up on the little things, in every aspect of my life...love,people,places,things,school,etc,etc. let go He says, give it to Me.

i ask for signs from Him, and then i am not happy with the results. New York is not the place. Maybe someday, but not next fall. I can feel a mad rush of adrenaline pumping through my veins when i think about NAU. My whole soul rants NOWNOWNOW.

every girl needs girls. and every boy needs boys. i don't blame the boy for getting sick of the girl. or vice versa.
I need E. Dell.


i wonder how different my day would have been if i had just crawled into bed and went to sleep. who would i have woke up for? perhaps the sulking would invade my body and infect my mind.

peut-etre que je dois aller. peut-etre que je ne dois pas.