bare-faced

With sloppy wet hair, I walk out the door and pull my ugly sweater down. I wish it covered my knees. I'm bare-faced to the wind, and it isn't holding back. It swirls around me, finding holes in my clothes and replacing the heat I had gained and replacing it with a bitter cold. Even in my car the cold never leaves me. And as I listen to mindless radio, or cd, or even the quiet nothing but the hum of my exhausted engine, I think of the waste spent last night. Although falling asleep with my niece on my chest was most comforting, the cheap wine aftertaste that surrounds my mouth this morning reminds me of my sad drunken texts. More so bitter than sad, I suppose. I still haven't shed one tear since the day.
Either way, I have figured out that 6 glasses of wine makes me feel worse, but then everything is roses when holding my niece. So whenever depressed, hold a baby and the world will come back together.

swirls of gray

The mornings are easier. Even though I awake to the dreary grayest day, I'd still rather be present in the morning. For the past two days my mind has been clouded with a fog, slowly lifting, and I am able to make the outlines of what's next. I'm no longer at home and with all the other changes it overwhelmed me at first. I now find comfort in the unfamiliar home that is becoming quite comfortable.

And as always I look to my future. It is almost frightening to be able to make decisions without any restrictions. Nothing really holds me back, I just have to decide. To stay home, save up, go to school part-time. To move, with a friend, take out another huge loan, go to school full-time.

Oh the choices...

Actually. In between the strange crying fits, I feel some sort of relief, and hopes of some sort of friendship.

What a strange place I'm in now

Almost every other day, I have written something in this box, and by the end of it I realize it's pointless so I delete it immediately.

My brother went back to Iraq last night. Unfortunately I didn't say goodbye, so I feel a little guilty. With his leaving, my sister-in-law is very adamant for me to move in as soon as possible.

Opened up a savings account, and the very attractive bank account manager, asked me what I was saving up for. I thought about it for a second, sighed, and then replied, "I actually have no idea."


I have a feeling that I will never be satisfied in life.

the only thing that keeps me going are future plans.

i plan to be everything. sylvia plath had to choose, but I will not.

I feel like I have a rope around my neck and unfortunately I am dragging along with the person that holds the other end. Please just let go. I don't want to be tied up in your messy drama. I thought I was let go weeks ago. And all I can think is, if only a few moments had been changed... If you aren't going to let go, push me off the edge and let me hang.

Sometimes I really have no words to write in this box. Everything that happened this week is so trivial compared to Chloe Isabell's birth. And for a note, I was actually in the delivery room during the labor, and it is much more intense than anything I could imagine.

old tricks.

First week on the job. With Nanny and Cartridge World, I am working 11 hour days. Which by friday, I am exhausted and looking for a break, or a nap. But this new family has been great, my first day they gave me a gift welcoming me to the new job as the new Nanny. Then throughout the week I have received encouraging notes about the work with Baby. But it has been the best start to a job ever. I feel in the zone, and even when I am frustrated, I've learned techniques to calm myself. Which I should transfer from nanny world to social world.

I have to say in the chaos which is life, I feel so happy. I may be tired, maybe even frustrated at times, but I feel so content. Things have begun to seriously work themselves out. Such as health insurance, bills (as much as bills can work out, and the relief of refusing drama. I'd rather be the ears to listen to someone else's drama than the mouth to tell the personal story. You can dig up your old bones but I'll keep mine buried.

pumpkin gnocchi in a butter sage sauce

Isn't it a wonder how I've had my fill of certain people. The past few days I've felt stuffed mentally of course with drama that should have nothing to do with me and physically which parallels the moments I am with my certain relative (and others). Really no more. I'm full. The first few bites were delicious, now the taste is a little too pungent and nothing I can do can remove the taste. I'm so over each topic, it has all been said, but yet no one listens to themselves or me.
These days I honestly don't have time for the pungent taste. It's too much to get over, so I am afraid I'll have to avoid it completely. But hey if you tried to stop shoving it down my throat maybe we'd have a decent conversation. Maybe it's too much to bite off, and I've ended up at the other end asking everyone else how it is and now no one is noticing that I am choking on my own bite.

So when my stomach's full and my thirst's quenched I think I am going to walk away satisfied next time.

cobwebs

My mind is set on autopilot. Smile, nod, make a reply that actually makes sense to the conversation and isn't a fragment. Half the time I really don't know what I am saying, I'm just trying to get through the damn sentence. It doesn't really matter though, half of the things you say, you've said before. You are my father's brother's daughter whom I never see, and choose not to talk to. Really i do not need to be saved by the catholic church and no I never wanted to be a nun. But thanks, I appreciate the concern, but I would prefer if you had no concern.

I zoned out a bit there, i can't really focus, my memory has faded a little,I have to write everything down. I found a letter the other day, which in shock I threw into a drawer for fear of someone finding it. For fear that i might find it and send it. Or the letters to myself I used to write that are hidden in the yellow room down the hall (shoebox in the closet).

I'd rather make terrible mistakes in life than listen to your crackpipe advice.

Love and kisses.

overboard

Honestly, I'm a little cranky. I have hit a dry patch in writing in the white box. I've started to write then I would just become too exhausted of my own thoughts to continue. And I'm kinda still there. I find myself needing a glass of wine everynight. My mouth begs for a cigarette. But I just end up sitting here restlessly talking to a guy I should not be talking to, drinking a glass of wine I should not be drinking, and wishing for things I should not be wishing for.

Perhaps part of growing up is realizing that your wishes have become dreadfully small. I wish all my debt would go away. Which I suppose is not that small because in a way it is saying, I wish I could start over.
I wish I didn't have to get up for another glass of wine. I wish I didn't gain 5 pounds over my highest weight yet.

I also would love to just leave my retail store high and dry. But I can't do that according to the world.

I would also like to hang out with anyone I like, without the worries of compromising my relationship or a friendship.

I want to live on my own.

I want to be able to afford ingredients for great unmade recipes.

I want to be ok with God. On my own terms and no one else's.

And I don't want to be a downer...



too late.

watered down

A big storm came through last night, you'd think with the lack of rain in ohio right now everything would look lush and green, but instead everything looks watered down and heavy. Like the air and the plants have too much to carry.
I feel the same, heavy and too much to carry. I'm cynical of the upcoming job, i have become so used to failure and things not working out- that i expect it. And in every relationship I assume there are the ups and downs. We are doing good and we are doing not so good. This part isn't quite not so good yet but it isn't good either. And while another trails behind me, being more than friendly, I feel as though I am in a game of chess, looking to far ahead into the maybe zone. Over analyzing is my game.
Joe asked me what I wanted, I had to answer that moment and there wasn't any restrictions, so there could not be any excuses. He said he wanted to get into a car and drive off to deadwood. He would have zero worries of car problems or money problems. He wouldn't have to worry about his job or family or friends. Honestly- when he asked me what I wanted, at that exact moment- I felt like baking.

I am a simple girl with simple pleasures. When it comes to the most base things in life, I'd rather see someone else happy then be comfortable on the sidelines.Life is better when you can make someone else improve their day. I'm a gift giver, a cooking mama, a big hugger, and an even bigger lover. So tomorrow I think I am going to take out a couple recipes and begin to improve someones day.

the old and the new

The cycles of life make my head spin. Went to a funeral yesterday, my first open casket. It was strange to see the man laying there, knowing it was just an empty shell of a man who once was there. It was harder to see his family sit there, watching each person giving there respects to this man's life. I didn't know him to well, I am close friends with his daughter, who is having a difficult time handling this. I don't have many memories with him but what I do have is full of beatles, rock shows, and an old man who was a little too flirty with his daughters friends. But still always such a cheerful man.
And on the day of his unfortunate death the circle made it's full round,and a new life has begun. Joe's niece has come to this world. A little earlier than expected, but she is well. Welcome little one, I hope the lights aren't too bright and the nurses are gentle with you.


And in the pulling of the tide, I'm still waiting for things to begin. The stress of bills will always pull me into the reality that I cannot live life until it is paid full and clear. I've begun to go through time, by pulling out old memories in my closet. Some are dusty old laughs, some are unfortunate memories I wish I hadn't pulled out. But as I pull out each one, I sort and clean, get rid of the old and put the new in it's place. It's refreshing to have things in it's place, although it's a mess now things will be where all should be. Perhaps afterwards the waiting won't be so long.

Maybe in this interviewing stage of hell I should remind myself of rules. Do not leave an acceptance of a job over a message. It's been 2 days and I haven't gotten any validation of the message.
The interviews are seriously hell. The phone tags, the analyzing of what they meant, deciphering red flags, finding out if they are psychos. Oh and the rate game, no one wants to ask how much they are willing to pay or how much you are willing to be paid. My favorite part is when the parent prints out a sheet of questions they found on the internet and decides to use them. Unfortunately dear parents, I've read the questions, and have had a lengthy course on interviewing skills in the nanny world. Ask me all of those questions and I will answer them to your heart's content.
Honestly, I love kids, I want to nanny, and I'm tired of the games.

Everything else is ok. Relationship is good. Family is moving along. Friends are the usual mess. Bills are out of control. But still nothing that isn't to new or something I haven't seen before. I feel like I am in the limbo stage of life, just waiting to get to the next part.

It really sucks that I wrote a great post, but then had to delete it because I was afraid that in the future someone important might read the goods and bring it back to me. And that's just to chancey here.

But- I got a job offering. Not from any agency or school, but on my own with a few helpful websites and a little bit of confidence. Let's see if this works out...

waste of time

Hi my name is jobless mcnanny and for the life of me I can't get a family. I actually had someone call yesterday, there first question was, "What are your rates?" this question is so loaded. I've low balled myself so much lately it makes me sick. SO i mention what I would prefer then what I can be negotiated to work for. This was the response, " Oh you know what? Can I call you back this afternoon, I'm a little busy." I said sure then realized she didn't have my number. Ask me my rates PLEASE before calling me. And by the way, she never called and never emailed.
Unfortunately according to every agency I go to, my age is what scares people the most even though I carry myself so well. This is something I have zero control over.
And please don't ask me for a second interview and get my hopes up if you know you have a problem with my age.
Don't waste my time.

I'm sitting here with my coffee within reach and calming music blasting over any other noise.
I need something a little calming.

I've heard nothing from the family, which probably isn't their fault, but yet the school/agency I am unfortunately attached to. I hear it's chaos, a huge revolving door with the recent staff walking out. And that is a very unfortunate situation for them but ESPECIALLY me. If my agent is gone they will hire a new agent, and new agents concentrate on the new class with little focus elsewhere. And kids, I'm old news with bad luck. I have harassed the school repeatedly within the past 2 days. Calling up probably too often, but I need a job. NOW.

Maybe I should contact this family on my own, no contract but a job.


I have been contacted by two other families from craigslist and the newspaper. Since when was it ok to pay private childcare minimum wage? Or under? I saw one ad that offered 3-4$ based on experience...no words for that.

I feel like a big tired pile of myself today. Feet are sore, eye lids puffy, and no cell phone. At least for awhile. Which is a strange relief, I don't have to worry if the stupid thing is charged or not, no worries to check it every 5 minutes, no worries about having the right ringer at the right time. But unfortunately that means I am a step behind with news, events, gossip, you name it. And no one likes to call up a house phone these days. Oh and don't forget I am saving money.

Had my second interview with a family yesterday, which is a very good sign. Not many families do second interviews anymore. They need a nanny and they need one now, so skip the second interview and go with the gut. Which can be good or bad. Maybe if I had a second interview with the other family, I might have seen what the deal was. Anyways, the kids were great. I successfully distracted a 3 year old for a full hour. Which is impressive because he had 0 attention span which I witnessed from the first interview and what I was told after. We made button people, which was fun for the 7 year old and fun for the 3 year old. We had glitter, popsicle sticks, buttons, crayons, construction paper- they loved it. I have a good feeling about the family. Even if it doesn't work out for me, the family will be great to some other nanny, but I am hoping the nanny will be me.

Scratch the last post. I need a cigarette. Really I'm getting over it, applied to two jobs and have the nanny school on my side.
I got mixed reviews about the failure of the opportunity by which I call my life. Some didn't believe me, others demanded my presence, some gave their condolences, and some just laughed. The other nannies were the one's who laughed. They know how it goes for all nannies in the interview and beginning stages of the nanny world. Don't be too comfortable until you've passed 90 days. Then you can say the family is a success. I lasted 2 days. Fantastic. Please someone give me another glass of brandy. I asked God what he wanted from my life. So much bitterness. Blame fate. What else is to blame for freak accidents.


So what's next on the list? Well more job searching, probably pushing my bitterness into a corner of my soul and ignoring it until it explodes into a full mental crisis. Push on Push on.

2.05

My life has finally calmed down to a smoother ebb and flow for every day life. I went from the chaos of being unemployed for 3 months and stress of bills to the relief of holding 3 jobs and capability to paying off some debt.

Working in retail emphasizes how superficial life can be, I watch people spend money on things they don't need, to look a certain way for now just so they can throw it out in 3 months and move on to another look for the next season. I can't judge though, I'm also a sucker for a certain image I would like to be. But it is only an image in my mind I have more important things to look to in life.

I want to make a list of the things I would like to get done. First on the list would be a list of questions to ask a trustworthy pastor about the bible and Christianity. I would like to have a balance in life, find my faith, and have a slight understanding with the religion I grew up with. Even if I happen to disagree, at least I will understand why and be fully informed by a knowledgeable source. I have an emptiness I need to fill, perhaps faith will help be find the meaning of my void.

I want to give. I despise feeling selfish. I'm slowly doing things for others because I have a guilt for being so selfish and self consumed. For example: I helped paint beth's room the other day because she's on bed rest. The sooner the room is painted, the less she has to go downstairs and the less walking for her body. So I did it on my own as much as I could until my hands were sore and feet were tired. I paid for it at work the next two days but it was worth it. And still I do it for selfish reasons. I want to do these things for people as my own relief to my own personal loathing.

I want to be healthy. I plan on running tomorrow very early. I've stopped smoking, and have tried to let up on the drinking. Smoking is the biggest obstacle to overcome. I do not exercise when I smoke, my lungs hurt and I give up faster. I feel like a worthy human being when I can honestly say I am in good health. I want to eat better. Less red meat, more fish maybe try being vegetarian again.

Make a list of things that truly interest me and research them. For example; teaching english as a second language. Or child development. Or even small steps like pottery on the wheel and finding a small art center. Maybe taking gardening classes.


Most of all I just want to be a person full of vitality. To make life worth talking about. When someone asks me what I've been up to I can bring something up from the list. Even just accomplishing on thing on the list and I would feel slightly fulfilled, I want to go in the right direction, be my own person.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
trainspotting

whatever crisis i am going through, mental break-downs, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, self-loathing whatever it is, i need to get out of it. but i have decided that if i was ever to write a fictional novel loosely based off of my life it would all begin with my teeth. and how they don't shut completely. it's not like i have an overbite or an underbite, oh no they are slanted teeth that are too short to shut on their own. yes, then i would go into how difficult and awkward not being able to bite down with the front teeth. oh yes, then it would go into who had first presented this fact about my mouth and how i was completely unaware of my methods of eating until just then. that is when character development would start.
i suppose this novel would need a purpose, over-stimulation perhaps. the dynamics of a woman on the side of an egotistical philosophical wanna-be movement group.

sounds a little cliche but i've never been able to enjoy corn on the cob.

peaces

It's 6 pm and I'm already tipsy. Stumble upstairs toward my shitty laptop i write my thoughts upon and complain. As i finally get to this point of writing i realize, perhaps drinking isn't the best for me due to it's depressing attributes it gives so freely. But I like to be loose. I like to "loose" myself. And while I have this small opportunity I will take it with open arms and wish i had a cigarette not a guilt trip. But unfortunately i have the latter of the two. Thank goodness for spell check, otherwise this would be impossible to read. I'm too busy sipping from my drink rather checking errors on this blank page.
Where shall life take this world of mine. I'm already bitter and the evening hasn't even begun! I just want my own place. Not our's but mine. I want mine. Set me into the wild and see branch off on my own. I will climb to where ever life will open it's path. I guess I'm doing that.
I'm so limited. I will lack stories to tell the little ones, and who knows if they will even ask. I am unable to let go and be free. I cannot allow myself to draw freely, paint freely, write freely. I must censor. I want to be so many things, and there are so many details to each person to be I can't keep track, and I cannot decide on who to be. SO unfortunately I am all and I am nothing. I am an anything everything nothing mess to be had. So if you would like to pick up the pieces and finish this piece I am trying to piece together please find me, because there is no way i can piece myself together.

rain is too much compared with bad luck or a sign of something terrible to come. i see this rain giving vitality to the parched earth, and like me i need vitality and the opportunity to grow.

this weekend went over a friends house and received unexpected flattery and attention. it felt so good to be wanted. desired. and even though it felt good, i felt guilty when i left. guilty over the pleasure of being wanted. eyes watching me, i can't help but give a flirtatious smile. i didn't want it to stop. my vanity was parched so they watered the plant that can take over my thoughts.

yesterday i rearranged my room in order to feel at peace. joe made me a table for my birthday and it has finally made it's way to my room. situated between two windows i feel like it might make me motivated to do something creative. at one time or another. as i moved furniture around i stopped at to peak at old journals from 6th grade. I didn't want to open it knowing i would roll my eyes and be sickened by the former youth. Instead i noticed that as a young girl even in the private journal i was in denial. I remember my feelings during certain times and yet this person who wrote those words put on a face. I have never been more self aware to the extent of looking back. The denial of feelings just spread throughout the entries, I tried to sound like the girl i wanted to be but not the girl i actually was. Perhaps it was a safety measure of sanity for a young girl who had no idea how to handle her emotions.

interview today. bleh. i am not nervous yet, nor excited, just neutral due to the many rejections in the past few months.

if no one can win or lose, is it still a game?

my thoughts drift so easily into my mind in the mornings it's hard to grab at them and put them here. especially when i've had so many thoughts in the past few days.

i woke up this morning to an empty house which was slightly startling due to the fact that this is the day everyone's home. not today though. so i sit here and recall the latest days. i'm not a duty, or an obligation. women are second in this group. i walk into the room i receive a nod, as the men come in one by one a huge smile breaks open and it's hugs for all. i've never been able to put my finger on why i felt treated differently but it's in all the looks, the fake laughter, the empty eyes. it's the lack of trying to see me as an equal. drink up, make it icy cold. liquor burns my throat and upsets my stomach, but i'd rather get through the night intoxicated then have to sit there painfully sober and aware of my surroundings. i think i said fuck you 7 times in the game. and even though their sailor mouths kept moving thick with curses, at my fuck you they were offended. it's all in the game darling. this game here and the real game we're playing. so fuck you and your friends don't be shocked, you were the one who opened this can. every drink was for chicago. three months away from here, and the chance to pay off some debt. a baby step before i can break off with my mistress ohio. they drank to some unknown ideals, reaching for a thought felt meaningful between the notes of their hallucinations and drunken realities. slurred thoughts of bullshit kept running through my mind. if there is anything learned from the past two years, it's better to just keep your mouth shut. no one listens anyways.

besides all the negativity, it's a beautiful morning, puffy clouds dotting the clouds and a slight breeze brushing the grounds. i'm calm again.

As i sit here, with 6 sam adams in my stomach, i feel my bitterness rise up within me like a gag reflex from drinking too much. it all happens at once, together. So i look for some female, one strong woman to look to. That woman who has feeling, intuition, and equality with differences, as well as balance to look up to, and i find myself empty handed.
Where is she? Am i supposed to wait for my own mother teresa and follow in their lead? or is this the sign that women need a proud failure to look up to for prose and poetry and feel the feeling inside. All i have is anger, to the men, to myself. And not even to men itself, but the men that have so deeply impacted me. Significant others, and the ones above. I do not want to be set aside for the bouts of depression, i do not want to be set aside for the things that women are known for. but how can i say no when i, myself, suffer from these things.
How i hate and love the things that make me a woman. I love to provide, to make, and create a sense of comfort. And yet I hate the fact that it can be looked down upon. Menstruation against Menopause, home-makers against the feminists, the insecurities feed upon us like vultures. And i sit here with anger, knowing that my own vultures are eating away at themselves.
Dear God How I understand Eve's plight. How I desire perfection and hate being second. How these thoughts have rocked my beliefs and the core of who i thought i was. How slow i am to come to who i can be. How i stare at the figs and relate to Ms. Plath in her attempts of her personal journey. How I clench my fists towards Jack Kerouac and his ramblings. His beautiful chauvinist ramblings, i hate to understand where he comes from and how i quote his words.
Why can i not appreciate human kind for the fact that we are all human, why cannot i believe in the gender i fight for, but still get lost in the differences of eachother.








Mr. Zen Man, with every post i leave, i wait for your balanced comment.

if i were anything on my keyboard it would be the backspace button

god how the mildew grows. taking over everything, how i can smell it when i smile. leaves me thinking of what is there to remember. something so familiar, this bitterness. i can feel it climb over the walls of my insides so the light cannot come in. hear the degradation of my former self in this rotten body of mine. and when i crumple on the floor like a pile of dirty clothes, i wait for the people i know to come pick me up. but it has gotten so heavy, and their arms have grown ever so tired.
the tips of my fingers are so tender from plucking the double strings of an instrument i cannot play. of a thing that requires rhythm and i give it my half-ass attempt to create something that is beautiful.
the tips of my toes are so tender from walking where my feet couldn't go. wrong shoes. wrong place. drag them along stubbornly, forget about the pain and go. and go. and go.

paralyzed eyes

contrast on two floors, downstairs i can hear the laughter echoing, upstairs it's only me breathing softly. self medication. self- mutilation. there's nothing left to offer except my own confusion. i swallowed everything you gave me like table scraps to the dog. begging for more, but cries were ignored. last night was freedom, this morning only shows me a daze. give me something heavy to get me on my feet. move on move on. paralyzed eyes, stuck on a vision only i can see. spread myself across the ocean, feed me to the fishes. those philosophical junkies will take the bait. fuck you and your forced thoughts. your motivation eats away at me.

i don't know where this is going.

I've been sitting back lately. thinking of my place in this world. as a woman, human, the artist i think i secretly am. where do i fit in, with God, with the bible, i look at the women in the bible and i have to say honestly i don't have much to look up to. For a woman I have a very strong personality, confident, assertive. I would have to say intelligent or slightly ahead if i were to compare to other girls who worry about the next fuck. I don't even know where i am going with this post. I am asking an eternal question- where am i. I suppose it's something only time and experience can answer.

steady change

i consider myself a morning person, but this morning my eyes actually feel sore. probably due to the fact i had an emotional uproar last night. a little too much on my plate, too much to feel, i cried for half a second. I ran to the car with a cigarette in my fingers as soon as it was possible. so cold in may. just drive around, see my little town growing. as if my own religion, i hold to the future. future means hope, something forever changing. It's almost reliable, the changing. steady with the change.

so nanny school is getting a wee bit harder these days. I keep ignoring papers, worksheets, reading things. Not that I'm thinking I know all but, for a lack of motivation.so families everywhere. my agent told me about miami, florida area which I'm not sure how i feel about it. she says she can't see me in miami, i don't know if i can either. But it is a live-out position and they are willing to help pay rent. Very nice. But still miami? Also a family by boston, which i hear is a lovely place, but i really want nothing to do with upper east coast.
Picky picky. There are some families around here that are looking for nannies. And my agent said that both families would be a good fit for me. Which at this point of my life, would be the easiest. Not much traveling, I know, but set hours and I know the place. Something I take for granted everyday, i know this town. and a website on things to do with children, are surprisingly long, with things i have never heard about.
Pros:
1. Know the area. KNOW THE AREA!
2. i would be a live out!
3. I can save up my money with my family until then
4. set hours! (very rare for nannying)
5 kids are the perfect age for me, chances for a longer working period.
6 it would make my parents happy
7 it would make him happy
8 it would make my friends happy
9 which in turn would make my life easier and make me happy.
10 OH and i know where i can take pottery classes.

Cons:
1. Stuck in the area, nothing new (although like i said i can find new things)
2. not much traveling (i can do it on my own though)
3 i hate the winter
4 would be stuck in my parents place for 3 more months


looks like the pros win out.

i'm so sorry for the pain i cause you

on this no good, very bad day i had to choose (in the morning) to make mr. blue sky the song.

so this terrible day will be etched in my memory perhaps forever with mr. blue sky playing in the background.

mr. blue sky please tell us why you had to hide away for so long
where did we go wrong.

tension

i have this slight headache tingling in the back of my head. lack of sleep and interesting dreams consumed me last night, thus waking up more exhausted than i had before i actually went to sleep. So i wait for my mind and body to wake up, such a slow process. As time goes on my mind begins to wonder about the future of possibilities more like worries. what if what if what if. I need something to fill my mind as this all begins to break down. Perhaps in a couple years I could do a volunteer service. Get back to my ways of want to help people. the older i become i begin to accept my selfish ways then forget them.

24 hours can be a very long time. From getting on the plane to getting into the towncar back to the airport, it had felt like 3 weeks. Perhaps it was because during that 24 hours I had no chance to communicate with anyone from home. I can't allow myself to get into a life where I will be pleasing everyone but myself. So unfortunately I will be declining a position this monday. I know what's right for me and this was definitely square peg in round hole type of deal. A few rights but a whole lot of wrongs.
One thing i learned about myself on this short trip... I have very good intuition. Go with your gut because it is probably right.

under the rocks

I'm sinking in an ocean of confusion. Each step forward takes me to a place where nothing fits. It's a square peg in a circle hole. Comes close, but is never exactly right. Perhaps this is life, perhaps it's never meant to exactly fit until death. This isn't the right place for me. Maybe CT but I have a feeling it's not. The family doesn't fit. But life goes on. But maybe HE doesn't fit. I can't swim with this chain around my leg. It's a stand-still always a stand-still. Don't do anything until has figured out what he wants to do. We are pulling in different directions and there's no middle to all of this.
You'll find me in the ocean, underneath the rocks watching everyone swim above me.

A few days ago I was able to learn how to throw on the pottery wheel. For an hour and a half I worked with this one piece of clay. Molding and shaping it then reshaping it. I can't help but miss the feeling. It was pure meditation. My hands became part of the clay, part of the movement. My mind was quiet. At the end of this session of throwing clay I was so proud of what I had made, the fact my mind and hands were one and I was able to make what I saw in my mind blew me away. How fascinating this type of art is. The body and mind into a piece of work... I'm in love.

Self fulfilling prophecies. I am organized. I am creative. The two things i wish to be so I will believe that i am that. It's been working so far.

I have an interview tonight. The interview isn't only about me though, I am interviewing this family. It must take two in this kind of situation, especially since it is such a commitment. A one year contract will be written up, and i must follow through. So when interviewing with these people I must think, " Am i willing to be with this family for a year?" or if it really is going bad, " Am I willing to be miserable for a year?" I'm so excited about having an interview I just want to jump right in. Oh the folly of youth. Oh the folly of me. I like to rush into thing. Think five years forward before the first day has even begun. Always ahead of myself.

I want to live in the west, the dry heat and chilling nights. Open skies that lead to the stars.

There's absolute quiet in my house. All I can hear is my typing and the birds outside. And i love it.


I've learned something very very important this week... Don't get your hopes up. I say it to myself every time an opportunity comes along but there they go. My hopes sky rocketing to the highest points possible.A little excited is nothing, but don't get those hopes up. Supposedly I have a phone interview this weekend with a lovely family from stamford connecticut. All I have been told since i heard about this family was how fabulous and perfect they were for me. Big house (which didn't matter to me so I was slightly confused), 2 great young kids (which i am looking for-young kids) and a baby on the way. and the parents are an artistic type who travel very often. So I left the room ecstatic. They did sound perfect. Over a couple of day I start looking at the location and WOAH- living costs are ridiculous there. I start to freak, slightly, but my hopes are still up. Finally after the weekend I have some questions for my placement director. How's the process going? Are they still interested? And she tells me in a very happy tone that the interview is on it's way for the weekend. One more question," I didn't ask before and I'm not sure if you told me but this is a live-out position right?" Her face tells me everything before a word can get out. No, You would never be able to live there. Living costs are ridiculous there. But there's a great guest suit on the back of the house. You'll love it.
Supposed to calm me right? Not at all. In shock I walk out of the room nodding my head trying to wrap my mind around this family now. My stomach drops. Eyes are wide. I thought for sure I put in my questionnaire packet i filled out i put - LIVE OUT. So then after some people gave me encouragement I decided to see her at the end of the day. Another girl who is on the phone with her, tells her. So i walk over at the end of the day, she's pulling out of the drive-way leaving for the day. I wanted to pull my hair out. Just as I was getting the confidence to talk to her, she leaves!
So late last night i wrote her an email. Who knows when I'll see her next.

Anyhoo. Moral of the story- don't get your hopes up. AND this is your life- don't try to please people do things the way you want it to be done.
ex: Top priority for me is being a live-out. Living in is uncomfortable to me, and I'm not going to compromise.

Long day ahead of me. I haven't updated in a while due to the craziness that has overcome my days. The transformation of nanny-ism is on its way. I've got Childhood Education Age 2- Adolescence. Which I am very excited for.
The other nannys are fairly nice. Haven't gotten to know them quite yet but I am getting there. I've realized with every new person I meet I learn something about myself. I'm confident. I write my most intimate thoughts in here that you probably don't get to see the side that other people do. Put me next to three girls and i have become the girl to make everyone laugh. I'm not afraid to say hello. I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself so you can laugh. Just give me a smile. So here is one of my feel good blogs, that I can look back on and smile myself.
I am a strong young woman. Some may say at 18 you can't be a woman yet. But I know I am there. I can take care of myself. Meet new people. Not be afraid. Get up get going. I've got a good personality that people like.
SO in the times when I am depressed about who I am and my flaws...I'll look back to the times I meet the new.

John mayer is my guilty pleasure

SO what do the normal people dream of? Sweet simple things to get away from their dreary lives? Because for me, it a continuation of life, so believable I wake up wondering why I had done the terrible things I had dreamt of. I wake up guilty, ready to jump out of bed because who knows what I will dream next. Either I remember these terrible things or nothing at all.
Nothing at all wins.

Filling out a questionnaire of simple questions should be that, simple.But leave it to me to find hidden questions in the question: Are you interested in being placed on an international basis?
Well yes, but I don't think right now, maybe later. Can I put later? Can i change this later, or should i just put yes for now and save me some time later, maybe being place in an interview for some international family, that would be wasting time...
In order of Preference list your top ten state to be placed in?
1. Ohio , no sorry that's wrong, I don't want to live in Ohio, i want an excuse to get out of here. Florida, no too hot, but I am sick of the cold. Will I miss the cold? Maybe North Carolina...nah New York? Too busy. California? Living Expenses to high. New Mexico, sure love to, no demand out there. Colorado, beautiful but I am so sick of cold...
Do you have a specific city of interest? Well I love Columbus. Have great friends there, but I don't want to be bogged down by one city.
Best Strengths?
Ugh....?
Weaknesses?
Well... how do I make THIS sound good.
Three words to describe yourself...
1. Goofy ( shoot they don't want a goofy nanny, they want a responsible calm disciplined nanny!)
2. Polite, no no no, Nice. ( nice? what kind of word is that. You pick one and it's NICE???)
3. Outgoing? Smart? Creative? Loving? Compassionate?

I need a thesaurus.

This placement questionnaire is due the 30th along with a resume, with their own format ( which I have never seen), and an autobiographical one page essay about me and my experiences with children. Well that's going to be easy.... shoot.
I feel like I am moving when this school is right down the street. Got my black suit, my tote bag, all my papers, need my transcripts, dang forget new pants....

I think I am stressing out and completely clueless because I am on my own for this one. My parents will help of course, but they have no idea what's going on or what to expect. So here I am, handy dandy with all my checklists and a clump of hair in the other hand.

Overall. This is exciting, I'm doing it on my own, and it doesn't matter where I go, adventure shall always follow.

i really need to get a passport

The only good thing about the snow at this point, is that it protects my feet from slipping all over ice. It's an icy march, and although it is freezing, twilight skies are beautiful.
Sitting on the end seat of the table and then the theater with someone else's friends, is probably the most lonely thing i have experience thus far. i look off into space wishing i was somewhere else. He loosely holds my hand but his eyes are somewhere else. Always another place, another dream. As he drops me off, i'm in no caring mood for bullshit, I sadly kiss his cheek and quickly remove myself from the car. I sneak into my house, while the car speeds off angriliy, praying for silence. Soft steps. I don't want to wake anyone.
Unfortunately with my mind running, it's a slow while before i can fully fall asleep.

So this morning, with hope, I shall look to the future. My next destination is going to be an exciting one and I don't care what anyone has to say. Fuck you my fellow coworkers for shaking your heads at me when telling you my plans. You can rot away at this restuarant, slowly but surely.
I'm so done with this place.

life update.

I've probably written in this box 8 times, and when i get close to posting it, I realize that it's just random babble and erase it all. Things to update about:
1. Going to be an aunt
2. Going to quit my job
3. Nanny school starts in a month ( yeah I said it)
4. I get to see my close friend this weekend

So yeah, nanny school. It's a three month program at the English Nanny and Governess School where you take super interesting classes about babies. There are ridiculous opportunities to travel, such as one girl who just flew out to florida for an interview another girl had one flight out to DC and to chicago. I can pay off some college loans I racked up. I just hope I can find a family with great kids that I can connect to . That's the best part, connections with the kids. And I have to say, I am soo soo soo excited about this.

With all this thinking about the future, watching films that inspire me, I really would like to be immersed into a language. Perhaps I shall go back into TESL, perhaps I will get a business degree and minor in a language. I think TESL will be more fulfilling but either way it all sounds so interesting to me.

alrite, i'm posting this one.

you remind me of yellow

how many times will i say the same thing in different words before i wake up. perhaps this is the meaning of life. or perhaps we are all saying the same thing in different words, and in this sense, are all trying to wake up. everything screams,sqeauls, or wails at me before i give it any attention. darling I cannot talk to you. allow me to capture you my little firefly, so i may keep you to myself.light up the skies for the little children who watch the yard with enchantment. what are you trying to remind me of? those innocent little dreams of mine? where the ideas leaked out of my mind into that little machine that created beautiful sceneries for me? and now it is gone and dead? the scenes are no longer alive, and neither or those precious ideas I held ever so tightly. oh but we cannot have it all, than the children would have nothing. and we were never meant to be halves, what is there to complete ourselves.

for whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
mr. e.e. cummings

even the trains are blue at night

everythings coloured blue in the frost of winter. i wipe the biting marks of the wind off my face and rub my knuckles warm before coming in.no one is on the roads during the freezing night, everyone is staying in. the roads are stained white with winter, only one light on in these houses called homes. this is your home, they call it surburbia. the winters are too cold, summers too hot, obligations run deep and parallel with family. you say i don't have any friends, but that's not true. you say i don't let anyone in, but that's not true either. sing a song. your aunt is wrong, mother's harsh, father's trying, brother's gone. my soggy cigarette stub says otherwise. it says to me, darlin' let the smoke in, roll the window down, let the cold air in.
let the cold air in.

who is to say this blog is useless? it is my poem, my prose...written a little differently letting the stanzas form as quickley as the thoughts in my head.

Catch

Oh how we throw around the most hateful words like it's a playful game between children. Don't drop the ball, then they win, and you're hurt. I'm sick of losing. And as they began to play toss, throwing the casual biting remarks in front of company, i threw everything i had in it. So hot and heavy of a remark, it was dropped immediately, and I walked away in silence. It looks like I win, and you're the hurt one now.

seattle down

84 posts.

Life has gotten a little too mundane to write about. My brother's wife came, which was all to be expected. There was no snow for the month of december. And it has now begun to snow in january. Goodness gracious little flakes, you're a bit late.

I decided I wanted more time. I want to finally do something. Yes my family plans to go to florida for vacation, which is great, but i'm ready for my own vacation. Different places to dream of every day. This week it has been a road trip to seattle washington. What's there you ask? Don't know, by driving up the coast would be beyond wonderful.

I'm worn down. I'm a smooth pebble in a whirling river.