rain is too much compared with bad luck or a sign of something terrible to come. i see this rain giving vitality to the parched earth, and like me i need vitality and the opportunity to grow.

this weekend went over a friends house and received unexpected flattery and attention. it felt so good to be wanted. desired. and even though it felt good, i felt guilty when i left. guilty over the pleasure of being wanted. eyes watching me, i can't help but give a flirtatious smile. i didn't want it to stop. my vanity was parched so they watered the plant that can take over my thoughts.

yesterday i rearranged my room in order to feel at peace. joe made me a table for my birthday and it has finally made it's way to my room. situated between two windows i feel like it might make me motivated to do something creative. at one time or another. as i moved furniture around i stopped at to peak at old journals from 6th grade. I didn't want to open it knowing i would roll my eyes and be sickened by the former youth. Instead i noticed that as a young girl even in the private journal i was in denial. I remember my feelings during certain times and yet this person who wrote those words put on a face. I have never been more self aware to the extent of looking back. The denial of feelings just spread throughout the entries, I tried to sound like the girl i wanted to be but not the girl i actually was. Perhaps it was a safety measure of sanity for a young girl who had no idea how to handle her emotions.

interview today. bleh. i am not nervous yet, nor excited, just neutral due to the many rejections in the past few months.