i'm letting the dust settle

green. jade. colour me jade.

being up so early doesn't really bother me any more. I get to sit here sipping coffee and eating a banana while surfing on the internet. my thoughts are collected. i feel calm and peaceful.
being a barista is not hard work. but flawlessly, arabica management can do the job. The job is easy and unfortunately no matter where you go, the drama will follow.

I wish i was more laid-back. It shouldn't be stressful but I allow it to get to me. None of it really matters. I walk through the dining area hearing people discuss their companies relative probability, a woman gossiping about her neighbor's relationship with another male neighbor that seems somewhat inappropriate. And yet I it here and think about my puppy, and how i may find all the others thoughts insignificant, when mine are the same to them.

Sitting at my favorite thai place, my friends were chatting about the boy that one had found attractive. Beth had already made a move towards one guy the last time she came, so she was only interested in his attention. The other girl had found another guy quite attractive, but being too shy, she slumped into her chair as soon as I called him over for more water. As she left for the bathroom, we called the guy over and asked if he wanted her number. Bold, in my opinion, but he wanted it, so we gave it.
That's when my self-pity set in. Everything slowed down, my words, thoughts, and motions. The same thought rolled into my head, as it had so many times before.
And I sit here, feeling ridiculous. So i'm over it.


everything has changed, a sickening comfort zone has washed over. a neutral zone. perhaps this is just a "maturing" relationship, but it is heading into a zone I never wanted to be in. we have settled. I have settled. and I am told repeatedly that i will never find what i want, and if i do i will still find flaws and give up. give in. settle.









i am off to make coffee for the world. you should visit.

i was up and you pushed me down.

i'm ashamed of my dreams.

of plans that don't fit in yours.

who knows art anyways. i could do it. really i could.

how words can just completely be ingrained into your mind. repeating itself over and over and over again. i haven't stopped thinking about it yet.

my latest nightmares if i haven't already mentioned them: my body open and everyone taking my organs like they were candy, little kids, businessmen, family.
second: being repeatedly sexually assualted by a man who i couldn't get away from.

perhaps it is all just stress.

remember this little place? come find me here.

it's a war baby.
this is. the blog right here.

vengeance isn't my pretty side but it's there.

sweetheart...i'm so tired. so exhausted of fighting. what a task i am. promise me this and i will promise you that. i never knew that you thought of me as a child.
dad.
he wrote me a note saying he will love me even after the world stops turning. i cried.
you don't write me notes.
or visit me a work.
or give any presents showing you thought of me.
do you think of me or just yourself?
and how come everything has to be an extravagant fairytale.
i never asked for a fairytale. i asked for a boyfriend.

i don't have any feelings for the camping trip. probably more fights. probably more drama. less fun. more.less.more.less.more.less.less.less.

and who am i to be friends with. she isn't good enough. she never was. you never like her. she is a bad influence.
who am i to judge? who are you?
doesn't matter. as you hang out with your friends, and my loneliness eats me away, none of my friends are here to comfort anyhow.

anyhow, i give up and give in.
i ask too much and am too little.
never enough. i'll never be enough.


i cut out a comic for you today. it was about Wii and i thought of you. thought it might brighten your day to know i was thinking about you.

my night was full of different nightmares. in fact the last few days i've gotten a lack of sleep due to them.
the moon was shooting beams into my body. i felt my body changing,, it was scary and i woke up in a sweat.
then i was being burned in my bed by a woman in all black with a bottle of alcohol and a single match.

my eyes are puffy.

i want to pick up my mandolin again.

hey beautiful day.

so many songs to drown my ears in. which to listen to first as i give new life into this blog of mine?

columbus. i can't go back. already accepted the scholarship. i can't go back. i can't disappoint my parents, although your disappointment will probably be a taste of death also.

i have a couple of new ideas for painting. eh? painting? I don't paint. but i would like to pick it up.
lets mix this culture with my own romantic twits that inhabit my brain. it seems like a waste to be over supplied in ideas, but lack the talent to create something really great.
i also really want some charcoal. i like the feeling of charcoal.

if i stayed behind
would you let your hair grow?

ridiculous exam tomorrow. ridiculous night, tonight, i feel it coming. oh dear.

i'm dreaming of car wrecks and thunderstorms bright
let's bury ourselves

let the night feel my song.
i'll be home. oh i'll be home.

duck and cover

i should be packing more.
i was hoping you would help me, but alas you lay asleep by my side.


i feel so alone it hurts my chest.

i need this more than you know. more than i know.

i have many thing to do. and yet my laziness kicks in and i slightly just want to throw away today for some pillows and a blanket.

i am a hypocrite. i am angry for the things that you do. i hate double standards and yet I have given you many.





do you like the way it makes you feel? do you like the way it makes me feel?

geometric shapes on a coffee mug

i walked away.
which started a nervous breakdown. you wouldn't be too proud to hear what i did. i don't handle stress or anxiety or problems in general very good. with my hands shaking and my head spinning, i ran out of the house, into my safety zone. the tracker.

give me your eyes
i need sunshine

the windows were down, even though it was 10 degrees outside. heat and music blasting inside. speeding down obvious streets where cops could have easily caught me. i am reckless in moments of panic.

I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn

eventually i blocked everything and began to believe i was someone else.



i had a dream about a dance, and someone important didn't come. as I was cleaning up purple frames with pictures of everyone I loved...I broke down in front of my asst. principle and began to cry.
in the dream i was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, my throat was closing up.
I woke up there, because I couldn't actually breathe.
intense.

i just had the immense urge to learn how to play the piano.


too old. too young. too whatever. i'll just make up an excuse so I don't have to put forth any real effort.

we were a goldmine

you were a stroke of luck

so am i supposed to feel guilty for the things i have written? there is nothing to say.

my mind spins. something always holds me back. what would You like me to do? and him? what does he want? and how about my family? or abby? or angela? or beth?if you just told me what you wanted, perhaps this whole life thing would be easier. i am told one thing and your actions say something else.

we were a goldmine and they gutted us

avec toi.









flip the switch

it was the best of times....

i was told yesterday that my mind was like a bad internet connection with lots of pop-ups.



i think it is true.

where eternal paths cross

what a disappointment.

how tragic that such an opportune day must be wasted on disappointment and aggravation. this is a selfish statement, but why should i waste my time doinjg things for other people that i really don't feel like doing.

it's 8:30 and i have no one to call, i only wish i had gone to the library.
you make me sick.
at 7:00 i get free minutes, but have no one to call. i don't know what is appropriate or healthy.

who gives a damn anyways.






not you.

even artichokes have hearts

i have gained a new batch of clothes to off-set the unsettled side of myself which i must mask with track jackets and bright colours.

the weather has turned bitter-cold. another juxtaposition you ask? I hope not. In fact I hope to get over whatever jealousy and bitter resentment I have grown and grow into a more mature human being. i must get past the thorns to get to the petals.

You know her.

'tis the season they say. the season of folly and make-believe romance for one night that just will end in drama and unfortunately let-down hearts. proof, yet again, that i overanticipate the future far too often.

Since when?

winter has cast a dry spell on my works. there is much for me to do, but my tools are unavailable and my motivation has run quite low. like my car, I'm on empty.

Since always.

winter makes the heart heavy. i look for optimistic sunny days and the reassuring warm breeze. i am not suitable for a weary traveller to ask me questions. I cannot provide so I ask that He will.

these are hard times for dreamers

i must have really high blood pressure. last thursday i had two nose bleeds in one day, which I have never had before. and last night was the second time i have had an anxiety attack. my throat began to close up and everything gets dizzy.

i feel nervous blogging as i hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

i don't know whats going to happen but i am exhausted from yelling and crying.
one week left and my parents have taken everything away from a good kid.

i have been told i have to pay room and board. i have to decide whether i am a cchild or an adult. i thought the benefits of being a young adult was that you really weren't either and you were excused from deciding.

it's ok. the future calms me again.

i hate my mother. cliche as it sounds there is nothing to change her mind about what she feels about me. she repeatedly called me a fool. said some of the most spiteful and hurtful words than backed it up with that i should look around to see who is there for me.
hypocrites.

so i ended up bawling and i can feel myself starting to cry now.

it doesn't matter who you are because in the end people are going to believe what they want to believe. according to my mother i am a whore fool who has lost everythign about herself for a bum named Joe, that he has taken everything from my personality to the God i pray to repeatedly.

does it really matter.

this is a letter to the people i cannot connect or make contact with.
i give up. it is easier to sell your soul than to fight for what you feel is what i have learned. lie. the truth will not be believed so whats the point in arguing.

CCAD stands for Candace Came and Dominated

The thoughts of life roll around in my head.

Ever get tired of the same old thoughts? same old worries? I am. Man how I am sick of it all.

hopefully this will end soon.


the 2 hour trip down to columbus was worth it. everything happened very quickly so I hope to remember it all when it comes down to choosing a future. I have a chance of earning 10,000 to 40,000 dollars in scholarship money.
Woah now.
Everything went very well. And I was accepted to CCAD. the end.


Pray for me, God knows, really he does, I need it.

reckless youth

that was on an aquarium day. ridiculous face? i agree.

the intricate details of growing up

the lighting in my room just happens to be perfect. one light. blinds are closed, although that wouldn't make a difference if they were. it doesn't make my walls seem so buttery.

i've never known whats good for me.

the difference between you and me is that you are obsessed with the past and what happened, in contrast, I am obsessed with the future and what might happen. I cannot tell which is unhealthier. we both cannot enjoy the present because we are too busy looking somewhere else.

adolescence made her an activist

this is my comfort zone, making up plans for the future with someone else. it is comforting believing that someone will be there with you. i have done this since i was 13. "One day me and you will live in a big apartment together and meet our boyfriends together and get married together..."etc etc. or the more recent ideal dream of the future," Let's disappear in the city together..."

i made the mr. coffee overflow. too much water, not enough space. i lose.

my sister will be turn the ripe age of 14 this upcoming monday. i would love to just shrink her back to the age of seven. save her from the complications that every step in life will create for her.

it is all inevitable.

16 days left. My God it is coming up fast. the end is inevitable.






here it comes. it's always coming.

goodness gracious

this day has been full of emotional highs and lows. between waking early and late, winning and failing, gaining and losing... the contrasts have never been so prominent in a day as this one has.

as we sat there, in between booths something whispered to me,"this isn't it. this isn't it"

i fling between the ideas of city and the desert. two extremes. i need humanity. i need to get lost and be lost and disappear.

i have a library now. of the thing i am most passionate about. and i have equiptment but no place to put it as of now.

signs. i asked and He gave.

i wish i could spill my entire pleothora of thoughts right now. but unfortunately i am too vastly exhausted to begin.

so i wish thee farewell good friend.

oh indecision- how i abhor thee.

i carved your name across my eyelids

my brain is filled with nonsense and worthless bits of information when i should have been studying for topics that actually mattered to tests. and working for 9 hours (not complaining) can really fry a girl's brain.

you prayed for rain, i prayed for blindness.

i am changing my signature to an asexual signature. candace skinner and C.E. Skinner sound completely different and slightly more...mysterious? that's what i am going for kids.

man, i am very.anxious. heres your chance. can you handle it? are your hopes up yet? will you watch the failure flitter down with the snowflakes of january.?.

january. the month of obligation and duty. the month to start your resolutions and get things done.

the winter night sky is a completely different sky compared to summer night sky. ever notice that? the cold air and the clear nights. bright stars and calm moon. although i hate the cold...the winter night sky makes up for it.

flashback. sleeping bags. my drive-way. the stars. the very end of winter and beginning of spring. we laid there and discussed the future, the relationships, the God. i went inside to get 4 more pairs of socks. two for me and two for you. i could have laid there forever.

another flashback. summer. cool nights. fuzzy moon, the stars were the only things that stood out. dew crept up on our sleeping bags, and we watched for it in the wee hours of anticipation and excitement.

one more. winter. a little after evening but before the night sky was in full effect. 3 days after christmas. we said our goodbyes and then stood there as i threw snowballs. i just wanted to play, yet exhaustion had taken you over. no play, just sleep.

fear overwhelms me. this is it. watch it go. the months are flying by. mid-january and still so many things to do...

we promised the world we tamed it, what were we hoping for.

epiphanies in a dragon garden

tonight, over egg drop soup, i realized that conversations are empty observations overall.

sad existence.

while scholastics is burning inside my mind....no one else really cares, not even the person i wish cared the most.

and so loneliness washed over me like the weather patterns of ohio...abrupt and ever-changing.

the coldest nights have the brightest stars.

the juxtaposition of my life and the weather

one phone call, makes a huge mess out of this weekend. my hopes are up- and unfortunately there is a 25% chance that i will be let down.
what are you feeling candace?
anxiety. doubtful. i have questioned everything i am passionate about in the past 24 hours. intense.

strange how a few words or lack of words can impact a persons mood. my excitement was turned into a dreading, doubting mood after 20 minutes.

the weather is parallel with my life right now. yesterday:sunny, calm today:winter, change,dynamic.
perhaps God did that on purpose.

c'mon feel the illinoise.


I just need a little push. a little reassurance that this is right. that i'll be ok and things could work out.
patience.

my life happens to spin around and up and down. always the same cycles of being absolutley positive to uncontrollabley doubtful. we call this being psychotic. and i've got it.

i wish you were here right now.