Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
trainspotting

whatever crisis i am going through, mental break-downs, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, self-loathing whatever it is, i need to get out of it. but i have decided that if i was ever to write a fictional novel loosely based off of my life it would all begin with my teeth. and how they don't shut completely. it's not like i have an overbite or an underbite, oh no they are slanted teeth that are too short to shut on their own. yes, then i would go into how difficult and awkward not being able to bite down with the front teeth. oh yes, then it would go into who had first presented this fact about my mouth and how i was completely unaware of my methods of eating until just then. that is when character development would start.
i suppose this novel would need a purpose, over-stimulation perhaps. the dynamics of a woman on the side of an egotistical philosophical wanna-be movement group.

sounds a little cliche but i've never been able to enjoy corn on the cob.

peaces

It's 6 pm and I'm already tipsy. Stumble upstairs toward my shitty laptop i write my thoughts upon and complain. As i finally get to this point of writing i realize, perhaps drinking isn't the best for me due to it's depressing attributes it gives so freely. But I like to be loose. I like to "loose" myself. And while I have this small opportunity I will take it with open arms and wish i had a cigarette not a guilt trip. But unfortunately i have the latter of the two. Thank goodness for spell check, otherwise this would be impossible to read. I'm too busy sipping from my drink rather checking errors on this blank page.
Where shall life take this world of mine. I'm already bitter and the evening hasn't even begun! I just want my own place. Not our's but mine. I want mine. Set me into the wild and see branch off on my own. I will climb to where ever life will open it's path. I guess I'm doing that.
I'm so limited. I will lack stories to tell the little ones, and who knows if they will even ask. I am unable to let go and be free. I cannot allow myself to draw freely, paint freely, write freely. I must censor. I want to be so many things, and there are so many details to each person to be I can't keep track, and I cannot decide on who to be. SO unfortunately I am all and I am nothing. I am an anything everything nothing mess to be had. So if you would like to pick up the pieces and finish this piece I am trying to piece together please find me, because there is no way i can piece myself together.

rain is too much compared with bad luck or a sign of something terrible to come. i see this rain giving vitality to the parched earth, and like me i need vitality and the opportunity to grow.

this weekend went over a friends house and received unexpected flattery and attention. it felt so good to be wanted. desired. and even though it felt good, i felt guilty when i left. guilty over the pleasure of being wanted. eyes watching me, i can't help but give a flirtatious smile. i didn't want it to stop. my vanity was parched so they watered the plant that can take over my thoughts.

yesterday i rearranged my room in order to feel at peace. joe made me a table for my birthday and it has finally made it's way to my room. situated between two windows i feel like it might make me motivated to do something creative. at one time or another. as i moved furniture around i stopped at to peak at old journals from 6th grade. I didn't want to open it knowing i would roll my eyes and be sickened by the former youth. Instead i noticed that as a young girl even in the private journal i was in denial. I remember my feelings during certain times and yet this person who wrote those words put on a face. I have never been more self aware to the extent of looking back. The denial of feelings just spread throughout the entries, I tried to sound like the girl i wanted to be but not the girl i actually was. Perhaps it was a safety measure of sanity for a young girl who had no idea how to handle her emotions.

interview today. bleh. i am not nervous yet, nor excited, just neutral due to the many rejections in the past few months.

if no one can win or lose, is it still a game?

my thoughts drift so easily into my mind in the mornings it's hard to grab at them and put them here. especially when i've had so many thoughts in the past few days.

i woke up this morning to an empty house which was slightly startling due to the fact that this is the day everyone's home. not today though. so i sit here and recall the latest days. i'm not a duty, or an obligation. women are second in this group. i walk into the room i receive a nod, as the men come in one by one a huge smile breaks open and it's hugs for all. i've never been able to put my finger on why i felt treated differently but it's in all the looks, the fake laughter, the empty eyes. it's the lack of trying to see me as an equal. drink up, make it icy cold. liquor burns my throat and upsets my stomach, but i'd rather get through the night intoxicated then have to sit there painfully sober and aware of my surroundings. i think i said fuck you 7 times in the game. and even though their sailor mouths kept moving thick with curses, at my fuck you they were offended. it's all in the game darling. this game here and the real game we're playing. so fuck you and your friends don't be shocked, you were the one who opened this can. every drink was for chicago. three months away from here, and the chance to pay off some debt. a baby step before i can break off with my mistress ohio. they drank to some unknown ideals, reaching for a thought felt meaningful between the notes of their hallucinations and drunken realities. slurred thoughts of bullshit kept running through my mind. if there is anything learned from the past two years, it's better to just keep your mouth shut. no one listens anyways.

besides all the negativity, it's a beautiful morning, puffy clouds dotting the clouds and a slight breeze brushing the grounds. i'm calm again.

As i sit here, with 6 sam adams in my stomach, i feel my bitterness rise up within me like a gag reflex from drinking too much. it all happens at once, together. So i look for some female, one strong woman to look to. That woman who has feeling, intuition, and equality with differences, as well as balance to look up to, and i find myself empty handed.
Where is she? Am i supposed to wait for my own mother teresa and follow in their lead? or is this the sign that women need a proud failure to look up to for prose and poetry and feel the feeling inside. All i have is anger, to the men, to myself. And not even to men itself, but the men that have so deeply impacted me. Significant others, and the ones above. I do not want to be set aside for the bouts of depression, i do not want to be set aside for the things that women are known for. but how can i say no when i, myself, suffer from these things.
How i hate and love the things that make me a woman. I love to provide, to make, and create a sense of comfort. And yet I hate the fact that it can be looked down upon. Menstruation against Menopause, home-makers against the feminists, the insecurities feed upon us like vultures. And i sit here with anger, knowing that my own vultures are eating away at themselves.
Dear God How I understand Eve's plight. How I desire perfection and hate being second. How these thoughts have rocked my beliefs and the core of who i thought i was. How slow i am to come to who i can be. How i stare at the figs and relate to Ms. Plath in her attempts of her personal journey. How I clench my fists towards Jack Kerouac and his ramblings. His beautiful chauvinist ramblings, i hate to understand where he comes from and how i quote his words.
Why can i not appreciate human kind for the fact that we are all human, why cannot i believe in the gender i fight for, but still get lost in the differences of eachother.








Mr. Zen Man, with every post i leave, i wait for your balanced comment.

if i were anything on my keyboard it would be the backspace button

god how the mildew grows. taking over everything, how i can smell it when i smile. leaves me thinking of what is there to remember. something so familiar, this bitterness. i can feel it climb over the walls of my insides so the light cannot come in. hear the degradation of my former self in this rotten body of mine. and when i crumple on the floor like a pile of dirty clothes, i wait for the people i know to come pick me up. but it has gotten so heavy, and their arms have grown ever so tired.
the tips of my fingers are so tender from plucking the double strings of an instrument i cannot play. of a thing that requires rhythm and i give it my half-ass attempt to create something that is beautiful.
the tips of my toes are so tender from walking where my feet couldn't go. wrong shoes. wrong place. drag them along stubbornly, forget about the pain and go. and go. and go.

paralyzed eyes

contrast on two floors, downstairs i can hear the laughter echoing, upstairs it's only me breathing softly. self medication. self- mutilation. there's nothing left to offer except my own confusion. i swallowed everything you gave me like table scraps to the dog. begging for more, but cries were ignored. last night was freedom, this morning only shows me a daze. give me something heavy to get me on my feet. move on move on. paralyzed eyes, stuck on a vision only i can see. spread myself across the ocean, feed me to the fishes. those philosophical junkies will take the bait. fuck you and your forced thoughts. your motivation eats away at me.

i don't know where this is going.

I've been sitting back lately. thinking of my place in this world. as a woman, human, the artist i think i secretly am. where do i fit in, with God, with the bible, i look at the women in the bible and i have to say honestly i don't have much to look up to. For a woman I have a very strong personality, confident, assertive. I would have to say intelligent or slightly ahead if i were to compare to other girls who worry about the next fuck. I don't even know where i am going with this post. I am asking an eternal question- where am i. I suppose it's something only time and experience can answer.

steady change

i consider myself a morning person, but this morning my eyes actually feel sore. probably due to the fact i had an emotional uproar last night. a little too much on my plate, too much to feel, i cried for half a second. I ran to the car with a cigarette in my fingers as soon as it was possible. so cold in may. just drive around, see my little town growing. as if my own religion, i hold to the future. future means hope, something forever changing. It's almost reliable, the changing. steady with the change.

so nanny school is getting a wee bit harder these days. I keep ignoring papers, worksheets, reading things. Not that I'm thinking I know all but, for a lack of motivation.so families everywhere. my agent told me about miami, florida area which I'm not sure how i feel about it. she says she can't see me in miami, i don't know if i can either. But it is a live-out position and they are willing to help pay rent. Very nice. But still miami? Also a family by boston, which i hear is a lovely place, but i really want nothing to do with upper east coast.
Picky picky. There are some families around here that are looking for nannies. And my agent said that both families would be a good fit for me. Which at this point of my life, would be the easiest. Not much traveling, I know, but set hours and I know the place. Something I take for granted everyday, i know this town. and a website on things to do with children, are surprisingly long, with things i have never heard about.
Pros:
1. Know the area. KNOW THE AREA!
2. i would be a live out!
3. I can save up my money with my family until then
4. set hours! (very rare for nannying)
5 kids are the perfect age for me, chances for a longer working period.
6 it would make my parents happy
7 it would make him happy
8 it would make my friends happy
9 which in turn would make my life easier and make me happy.
10 OH and i know where i can take pottery classes.

Cons:
1. Stuck in the area, nothing new (although like i said i can find new things)
2. not much traveling (i can do it on my own though)
3 i hate the winter
4 would be stuck in my parents place for 3 more months


looks like the pros win out.

i'm so sorry for the pain i cause you

on this no good, very bad day i had to choose (in the morning) to make mr. blue sky the song.

so this terrible day will be etched in my memory perhaps forever with mr. blue sky playing in the background.

mr. blue sky please tell us why you had to hide away for so long
where did we go wrong.

tension

i have this slight headache tingling in the back of my head. lack of sleep and interesting dreams consumed me last night, thus waking up more exhausted than i had before i actually went to sleep. So i wait for my mind and body to wake up, such a slow process. As time goes on my mind begins to wonder about the future of possibilities more like worries. what if what if what if. I need something to fill my mind as this all begins to break down. Perhaps in a couple years I could do a volunteer service. Get back to my ways of want to help people. the older i become i begin to accept my selfish ways then forget them.

24 hours can be a very long time. From getting on the plane to getting into the towncar back to the airport, it had felt like 3 weeks. Perhaps it was because during that 24 hours I had no chance to communicate with anyone from home. I can't allow myself to get into a life where I will be pleasing everyone but myself. So unfortunately I will be declining a position this monday. I know what's right for me and this was definitely square peg in round hole type of deal. A few rights but a whole lot of wrongs.
One thing i learned about myself on this short trip... I have very good intuition. Go with your gut because it is probably right.

under the rocks

I'm sinking in an ocean of confusion. Each step forward takes me to a place where nothing fits. It's a square peg in a circle hole. Comes close, but is never exactly right. Perhaps this is life, perhaps it's never meant to exactly fit until death. This isn't the right place for me. Maybe CT but I have a feeling it's not. The family doesn't fit. But life goes on. But maybe HE doesn't fit. I can't swim with this chain around my leg. It's a stand-still always a stand-still. Don't do anything until has figured out what he wants to do. We are pulling in different directions and there's no middle to all of this.
You'll find me in the ocean, underneath the rocks watching everyone swim above me.

A few days ago I was able to learn how to throw on the pottery wheel. For an hour and a half I worked with this one piece of clay. Molding and shaping it then reshaping it. I can't help but miss the feeling. It was pure meditation. My hands became part of the clay, part of the movement. My mind was quiet. At the end of this session of throwing clay I was so proud of what I had made, the fact my mind and hands were one and I was able to make what I saw in my mind blew me away. How fascinating this type of art is. The body and mind into a piece of work... I'm in love.

Self fulfilling prophecies. I am organized. I am creative. The two things i wish to be so I will believe that i am that. It's been working so far.

I have an interview tonight. The interview isn't only about me though, I am interviewing this family. It must take two in this kind of situation, especially since it is such a commitment. A one year contract will be written up, and i must follow through. So when interviewing with these people I must think, " Am i willing to be with this family for a year?" or if it really is going bad, " Am I willing to be miserable for a year?" I'm so excited about having an interview I just want to jump right in. Oh the folly of youth. Oh the folly of me. I like to rush into thing. Think five years forward before the first day has even begun. Always ahead of myself.

I want to live in the west, the dry heat and chilling nights. Open skies that lead to the stars.

There's absolute quiet in my house. All I can hear is my typing and the birds outside. And i love it.


I've learned something very very important this week... Don't get your hopes up. I say it to myself every time an opportunity comes along but there they go. My hopes sky rocketing to the highest points possible.A little excited is nothing, but don't get those hopes up. Supposedly I have a phone interview this weekend with a lovely family from stamford connecticut. All I have been told since i heard about this family was how fabulous and perfect they were for me. Big house (which didn't matter to me so I was slightly confused), 2 great young kids (which i am looking for-young kids) and a baby on the way. and the parents are an artistic type who travel very often. So I left the room ecstatic. They did sound perfect. Over a couple of day I start looking at the location and WOAH- living costs are ridiculous there. I start to freak, slightly, but my hopes are still up. Finally after the weekend I have some questions for my placement director. How's the process going? Are they still interested? And she tells me in a very happy tone that the interview is on it's way for the weekend. One more question," I didn't ask before and I'm not sure if you told me but this is a live-out position right?" Her face tells me everything before a word can get out. No, You would never be able to live there. Living costs are ridiculous there. But there's a great guest suit on the back of the house. You'll love it.
Supposed to calm me right? Not at all. In shock I walk out of the room nodding my head trying to wrap my mind around this family now. My stomach drops. Eyes are wide. I thought for sure I put in my questionnaire packet i filled out i put - LIVE OUT. So then after some people gave me encouragement I decided to see her at the end of the day. Another girl who is on the phone with her, tells her. So i walk over at the end of the day, she's pulling out of the drive-way leaving for the day. I wanted to pull my hair out. Just as I was getting the confidence to talk to her, she leaves!
So late last night i wrote her an email. Who knows when I'll see her next.

Anyhoo. Moral of the story- don't get your hopes up. AND this is your life- don't try to please people do things the way you want it to be done.
ex: Top priority for me is being a live-out. Living in is uncomfortable to me, and I'm not going to compromise.

Long day ahead of me. I haven't updated in a while due to the craziness that has overcome my days. The transformation of nanny-ism is on its way. I've got Childhood Education Age 2- Adolescence. Which I am very excited for.
The other nannys are fairly nice. Haven't gotten to know them quite yet but I am getting there. I've realized with every new person I meet I learn something about myself. I'm confident. I write my most intimate thoughts in here that you probably don't get to see the side that other people do. Put me next to three girls and i have become the girl to make everyone laugh. I'm not afraid to say hello. I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself so you can laugh. Just give me a smile. So here is one of my feel good blogs, that I can look back on and smile myself.
I am a strong young woman. Some may say at 18 you can't be a woman yet. But I know I am there. I can take care of myself. Meet new people. Not be afraid. Get up get going. I've got a good personality that people like.
SO in the times when I am depressed about who I am and my flaws...I'll look back to the times I meet the new.

John mayer is my guilty pleasure

SO what do the normal people dream of? Sweet simple things to get away from their dreary lives? Because for me, it a continuation of life, so believable I wake up wondering why I had done the terrible things I had dreamt of. I wake up guilty, ready to jump out of bed because who knows what I will dream next. Either I remember these terrible things or nothing at all.
Nothing at all wins.

Filling out a questionnaire of simple questions should be that, simple.But leave it to me to find hidden questions in the question: Are you interested in being placed on an international basis?
Well yes, but I don't think right now, maybe later. Can I put later? Can i change this later, or should i just put yes for now and save me some time later, maybe being place in an interview for some international family, that would be wasting time...
In order of Preference list your top ten state to be placed in?
1. Ohio , no sorry that's wrong, I don't want to live in Ohio, i want an excuse to get out of here. Florida, no too hot, but I am sick of the cold. Will I miss the cold? Maybe North Carolina...nah New York? Too busy. California? Living Expenses to high. New Mexico, sure love to, no demand out there. Colorado, beautiful but I am so sick of cold...
Do you have a specific city of interest? Well I love Columbus. Have great friends there, but I don't want to be bogged down by one city.
Best Strengths?
Ugh....?
Weaknesses?
Well... how do I make THIS sound good.
Three words to describe yourself...
1. Goofy ( shoot they don't want a goofy nanny, they want a responsible calm disciplined nanny!)
2. Polite, no no no, Nice. ( nice? what kind of word is that. You pick one and it's NICE???)
3. Outgoing? Smart? Creative? Loving? Compassionate?

I need a thesaurus.

This placement questionnaire is due the 30th along with a resume, with their own format ( which I have never seen), and an autobiographical one page essay about me and my experiences with children. Well that's going to be easy.... shoot.
I feel like I am moving when this school is right down the street. Got my black suit, my tote bag, all my papers, need my transcripts, dang forget new pants....

I think I am stressing out and completely clueless because I am on my own for this one. My parents will help of course, but they have no idea what's going on or what to expect. So here I am, handy dandy with all my checklists and a clump of hair in the other hand.

Overall. This is exciting, I'm doing it on my own, and it doesn't matter where I go, adventure shall always follow.

i really need to get a passport

The only good thing about the snow at this point, is that it protects my feet from slipping all over ice. It's an icy march, and although it is freezing, twilight skies are beautiful.
Sitting on the end seat of the table and then the theater with someone else's friends, is probably the most lonely thing i have experience thus far. i look off into space wishing i was somewhere else. He loosely holds my hand but his eyes are somewhere else. Always another place, another dream. As he drops me off, i'm in no caring mood for bullshit, I sadly kiss his cheek and quickly remove myself from the car. I sneak into my house, while the car speeds off angriliy, praying for silence. Soft steps. I don't want to wake anyone.
Unfortunately with my mind running, it's a slow while before i can fully fall asleep.

So this morning, with hope, I shall look to the future. My next destination is going to be an exciting one and I don't care what anyone has to say. Fuck you my fellow coworkers for shaking your heads at me when telling you my plans. You can rot away at this restuarant, slowly but surely.
I'm so done with this place.