tension

i have this slight headache tingling in the back of my head. lack of sleep and interesting dreams consumed me last night, thus waking up more exhausted than i had before i actually went to sleep. So i wait for my mind and body to wake up, such a slow process. As time goes on my mind begins to wonder about the future of possibilities more like worries. what if what if what if. I need something to fill my mind as this all begins to break down. Perhaps in a couple years I could do a volunteer service. Get back to my ways of want to help people. the older i become i begin to accept my selfish ways then forget them.

24 hours can be a very long time. From getting on the plane to getting into the towncar back to the airport, it had felt like 3 weeks. Perhaps it was because during that 24 hours I had no chance to communicate with anyone from home. I can't allow myself to get into a life where I will be pleasing everyone but myself. So unfortunately I will be declining a position this monday. I know what's right for me and this was definitely square peg in round hole type of deal. A few rights but a whole lot of wrongs.
One thing i learned about myself on this short trip... I have very good intuition. Go with your gut because it is probably right.

under the rocks

I'm sinking in an ocean of confusion. Each step forward takes me to a place where nothing fits. It's a square peg in a circle hole. Comes close, but is never exactly right. Perhaps this is life, perhaps it's never meant to exactly fit until death. This isn't the right place for me. Maybe CT but I have a feeling it's not. The family doesn't fit. But life goes on. But maybe HE doesn't fit. I can't swim with this chain around my leg. It's a stand-still always a stand-still. Don't do anything until has figured out what he wants to do. We are pulling in different directions and there's no middle to all of this.
You'll find me in the ocean, underneath the rocks watching everyone swim above me.

A few days ago I was able to learn how to throw on the pottery wheel. For an hour and a half I worked with this one piece of clay. Molding and shaping it then reshaping it. I can't help but miss the feeling. It was pure meditation. My hands became part of the clay, part of the movement. My mind was quiet. At the end of this session of throwing clay I was so proud of what I had made, the fact my mind and hands were one and I was able to make what I saw in my mind blew me away. How fascinating this type of art is. The body and mind into a piece of work... I'm in love.

Self fulfilling prophecies. I am organized. I am creative. The two things i wish to be so I will believe that i am that. It's been working so far.

I have an interview tonight. The interview isn't only about me though, I am interviewing this family. It must take two in this kind of situation, especially since it is such a commitment. A one year contract will be written up, and i must follow through. So when interviewing with these people I must think, " Am i willing to be with this family for a year?" or if it really is going bad, " Am I willing to be miserable for a year?" I'm so excited about having an interview I just want to jump right in. Oh the folly of youth. Oh the folly of me. I like to rush into thing. Think five years forward before the first day has even begun. Always ahead of myself.

I want to live in the west, the dry heat and chilling nights. Open skies that lead to the stars.

There's absolute quiet in my house. All I can hear is my typing and the birds outside. And i love it.


I've learned something very very important this week... Don't get your hopes up. I say it to myself every time an opportunity comes along but there they go. My hopes sky rocketing to the highest points possible.A little excited is nothing, but don't get those hopes up. Supposedly I have a phone interview this weekend with a lovely family from stamford connecticut. All I have been told since i heard about this family was how fabulous and perfect they were for me. Big house (which didn't matter to me so I was slightly confused), 2 great young kids (which i am looking for-young kids) and a baby on the way. and the parents are an artistic type who travel very often. So I left the room ecstatic. They did sound perfect. Over a couple of day I start looking at the location and WOAH- living costs are ridiculous there. I start to freak, slightly, but my hopes are still up. Finally after the weekend I have some questions for my placement director. How's the process going? Are they still interested? And she tells me in a very happy tone that the interview is on it's way for the weekend. One more question," I didn't ask before and I'm not sure if you told me but this is a live-out position right?" Her face tells me everything before a word can get out. No, You would never be able to live there. Living costs are ridiculous there. But there's a great guest suit on the back of the house. You'll love it.
Supposed to calm me right? Not at all. In shock I walk out of the room nodding my head trying to wrap my mind around this family now. My stomach drops. Eyes are wide. I thought for sure I put in my questionnaire packet i filled out i put - LIVE OUT. So then after some people gave me encouragement I decided to see her at the end of the day. Another girl who is on the phone with her, tells her. So i walk over at the end of the day, she's pulling out of the drive-way leaving for the day. I wanted to pull my hair out. Just as I was getting the confidence to talk to her, she leaves!
So late last night i wrote her an email. Who knows when I'll see her next.

Anyhoo. Moral of the story- don't get your hopes up. AND this is your life- don't try to please people do things the way you want it to be done.
ex: Top priority for me is being a live-out. Living in is uncomfortable to me, and I'm not going to compromise.

Long day ahead of me. I haven't updated in a while due to the craziness that has overcome my days. The transformation of nanny-ism is on its way. I've got Childhood Education Age 2- Adolescence. Which I am very excited for.
The other nannys are fairly nice. Haven't gotten to know them quite yet but I am getting there. I've realized with every new person I meet I learn something about myself. I'm confident. I write my most intimate thoughts in here that you probably don't get to see the side that other people do. Put me next to three girls and i have become the girl to make everyone laugh. I'm not afraid to say hello. I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself so you can laugh. Just give me a smile. So here is one of my feel good blogs, that I can look back on and smile myself.
I am a strong young woman. Some may say at 18 you can't be a woman yet. But I know I am there. I can take care of myself. Meet new people. Not be afraid. Get up get going. I've got a good personality that people like.
SO in the times when I am depressed about who I am and my flaws...I'll look back to the times I meet the new.