if no one can win or lose, is it still a game?

my thoughts drift so easily into my mind in the mornings it's hard to grab at them and put them here. especially when i've had so many thoughts in the past few days.

i woke up this morning to an empty house which was slightly startling due to the fact that this is the day everyone's home. not today though. so i sit here and recall the latest days. i'm not a duty, or an obligation. women are second in this group. i walk into the room i receive a nod, as the men come in one by one a huge smile breaks open and it's hugs for all. i've never been able to put my finger on why i felt treated differently but it's in all the looks, the fake laughter, the empty eyes. it's the lack of trying to see me as an equal. drink up, make it icy cold. liquor burns my throat and upsets my stomach, but i'd rather get through the night intoxicated then have to sit there painfully sober and aware of my surroundings. i think i said fuck you 7 times in the game. and even though their sailor mouths kept moving thick with curses, at my fuck you they were offended. it's all in the game darling. this game here and the real game we're playing. so fuck you and your friends don't be shocked, you were the one who opened this can. every drink was for chicago. three months away from here, and the chance to pay off some debt. a baby step before i can break off with my mistress ohio. they drank to some unknown ideals, reaching for a thought felt meaningful between the notes of their hallucinations and drunken realities. slurred thoughts of bullshit kept running through my mind. if there is anything learned from the past two years, it's better to just keep your mouth shut. no one listens anyways.

besides all the negativity, it's a beautiful morning, puffy clouds dotting the clouds and a slight breeze brushing the grounds. i'm calm again.