bare-faced

With sloppy wet hair, I walk out the door and pull my ugly sweater down. I wish it covered my knees. I'm bare-faced to the wind, and it isn't holding back. It swirls around me, finding holes in my clothes and replacing the heat I had gained and replacing it with a bitter cold. Even in my car the cold never leaves me. And as I listen to mindless radio, or cd, or even the quiet nothing but the hum of my exhausted engine, I think of the waste spent last night. Although falling asleep with my niece on my chest was most comforting, the cheap wine aftertaste that surrounds my mouth this morning reminds me of my sad drunken texts. More so bitter than sad, I suppose. I still haven't shed one tear since the day.
Either way, I have figured out that 6 glasses of wine makes me feel worse, but then everything is roses when holding my niece. So whenever depressed, hold a baby and the world will come back together.

swirls of gray

The mornings are easier. Even though I awake to the dreary grayest day, I'd still rather be present in the morning. For the past two days my mind has been clouded with a fog, slowly lifting, and I am able to make the outlines of what's next. I'm no longer at home and with all the other changes it overwhelmed me at first. I now find comfort in the unfamiliar home that is becoming quite comfortable.

And as always I look to my future. It is almost frightening to be able to make decisions without any restrictions. Nothing really holds me back, I just have to decide. To stay home, save up, go to school part-time. To move, with a friend, take out another huge loan, go to school full-time.

Oh the choices...

Actually. In between the strange crying fits, I feel some sort of relief, and hopes of some sort of friendship.

What a strange place I'm in now

Almost every other day, I have written something in this box, and by the end of it I realize it's pointless so I delete it immediately.

My brother went back to Iraq last night. Unfortunately I didn't say goodbye, so I feel a little guilty. With his leaving, my sister-in-law is very adamant for me to move in as soon as possible.

Opened up a savings account, and the very attractive bank account manager, asked me what I was saving up for. I thought about it for a second, sighed, and then replied, "I actually have no idea."


I have a feeling that I will never be satisfied in life.

the only thing that keeps me going are future plans.

i plan to be everything. sylvia plath had to choose, but I will not.

I feel like I have a rope around my neck and unfortunately I am dragging along with the person that holds the other end. Please just let go. I don't want to be tied up in your messy drama. I thought I was let go weeks ago. And all I can think is, if only a few moments had been changed... If you aren't going to let go, push me off the edge and let me hang.

Sometimes I really have no words to write in this box. Everything that happened this week is so trivial compared to Chloe Isabell's birth. And for a note, I was actually in the delivery room during the labor, and it is much more intense than anything I could imagine.

old tricks.

First week on the job. With Nanny and Cartridge World, I am working 11 hour days. Which by friday, I am exhausted and looking for a break, or a nap. But this new family has been great, my first day they gave me a gift welcoming me to the new job as the new Nanny. Then throughout the week I have received encouraging notes about the work with Baby. But it has been the best start to a job ever. I feel in the zone, and even when I am frustrated, I've learned techniques to calm myself. Which I should transfer from nanny world to social world.

I have to say in the chaos which is life, I feel so happy. I may be tired, maybe even frustrated at times, but I feel so content. Things have begun to seriously work themselves out. Such as health insurance, bills (as much as bills can work out, and the relief of refusing drama. I'd rather be the ears to listen to someone else's drama than the mouth to tell the personal story. You can dig up your old bones but I'll keep mine buried.

pumpkin gnocchi in a butter sage sauce

Isn't it a wonder how I've had my fill of certain people. The past few days I've felt stuffed mentally of course with drama that should have nothing to do with me and physically which parallels the moments I am with my certain relative (and others). Really no more. I'm full. The first few bites were delicious, now the taste is a little too pungent and nothing I can do can remove the taste. I'm so over each topic, it has all been said, but yet no one listens to themselves or me.
These days I honestly don't have time for the pungent taste. It's too much to get over, so I am afraid I'll have to avoid it completely. But hey if you tried to stop shoving it down my throat maybe we'd have a decent conversation. Maybe it's too much to bite off, and I've ended up at the other end asking everyone else how it is and now no one is noticing that I am choking on my own bite.

So when my stomach's full and my thirst's quenched I think I am going to walk away satisfied next time.

cobwebs

My mind is set on autopilot. Smile, nod, make a reply that actually makes sense to the conversation and isn't a fragment. Half the time I really don't know what I am saying, I'm just trying to get through the damn sentence. It doesn't really matter though, half of the things you say, you've said before. You are my father's brother's daughter whom I never see, and choose not to talk to. Really i do not need to be saved by the catholic church and no I never wanted to be a nun. But thanks, I appreciate the concern, but I would prefer if you had no concern.

I zoned out a bit there, i can't really focus, my memory has faded a little,I have to write everything down. I found a letter the other day, which in shock I threw into a drawer for fear of someone finding it. For fear that i might find it and send it. Or the letters to myself I used to write that are hidden in the yellow room down the hall (shoebox in the closet).

I'd rather make terrible mistakes in life than listen to your crackpipe advice.

Love and kisses.

overboard

Honestly, I'm a little cranky. I have hit a dry patch in writing in the white box. I've started to write then I would just become too exhausted of my own thoughts to continue. And I'm kinda still there. I find myself needing a glass of wine everynight. My mouth begs for a cigarette. But I just end up sitting here restlessly talking to a guy I should not be talking to, drinking a glass of wine I should not be drinking, and wishing for things I should not be wishing for.

Perhaps part of growing up is realizing that your wishes have become dreadfully small. I wish all my debt would go away. Which I suppose is not that small because in a way it is saying, I wish I could start over.
I wish I didn't have to get up for another glass of wine. I wish I didn't gain 5 pounds over my highest weight yet.

I also would love to just leave my retail store high and dry. But I can't do that according to the world.

I would also like to hang out with anyone I like, without the worries of compromising my relationship or a friendship.

I want to live on my own.

I want to be able to afford ingredients for great unmade recipes.

I want to be ok with God. On my own terms and no one else's.

And I don't want to be a downer...



too late.

watered down

A big storm came through last night, you'd think with the lack of rain in ohio right now everything would look lush and green, but instead everything looks watered down and heavy. Like the air and the plants have too much to carry.
I feel the same, heavy and too much to carry. I'm cynical of the upcoming job, i have become so used to failure and things not working out- that i expect it. And in every relationship I assume there are the ups and downs. We are doing good and we are doing not so good. This part isn't quite not so good yet but it isn't good either. And while another trails behind me, being more than friendly, I feel as though I am in a game of chess, looking to far ahead into the maybe zone. Over analyzing is my game.
Joe asked me what I wanted, I had to answer that moment and there wasn't any restrictions, so there could not be any excuses. He said he wanted to get into a car and drive off to deadwood. He would have zero worries of car problems or money problems. He wouldn't have to worry about his job or family or friends. Honestly- when he asked me what I wanted, at that exact moment- I felt like baking.

I am a simple girl with simple pleasures. When it comes to the most base things in life, I'd rather see someone else happy then be comfortable on the sidelines.Life is better when you can make someone else improve their day. I'm a gift giver, a cooking mama, a big hugger, and an even bigger lover. So tomorrow I think I am going to take out a couple recipes and begin to improve someones day.

the old and the new

The cycles of life make my head spin. Went to a funeral yesterday, my first open casket. It was strange to see the man laying there, knowing it was just an empty shell of a man who once was there. It was harder to see his family sit there, watching each person giving there respects to this man's life. I didn't know him to well, I am close friends with his daughter, who is having a difficult time handling this. I don't have many memories with him but what I do have is full of beatles, rock shows, and an old man who was a little too flirty with his daughters friends. But still always such a cheerful man.
And on the day of his unfortunate death the circle made it's full round,and a new life has begun. Joe's niece has come to this world. A little earlier than expected, but she is well. Welcome little one, I hope the lights aren't too bright and the nurses are gentle with you.


And in the pulling of the tide, I'm still waiting for things to begin. The stress of bills will always pull me into the reality that I cannot live life until it is paid full and clear. I've begun to go through time, by pulling out old memories in my closet. Some are dusty old laughs, some are unfortunate memories I wish I hadn't pulled out. But as I pull out each one, I sort and clean, get rid of the old and put the new in it's place. It's refreshing to have things in it's place, although it's a mess now things will be where all should be. Perhaps afterwards the waiting won't be so long.

Maybe in this interviewing stage of hell I should remind myself of rules. Do not leave an acceptance of a job over a message. It's been 2 days and I haven't gotten any validation of the message.
The interviews are seriously hell. The phone tags, the analyzing of what they meant, deciphering red flags, finding out if they are psychos. Oh and the rate game, no one wants to ask how much they are willing to pay or how much you are willing to be paid. My favorite part is when the parent prints out a sheet of questions they found on the internet and decides to use them. Unfortunately dear parents, I've read the questions, and have had a lengthy course on interviewing skills in the nanny world. Ask me all of those questions and I will answer them to your heart's content.
Honestly, I love kids, I want to nanny, and I'm tired of the games.

Everything else is ok. Relationship is good. Family is moving along. Friends are the usual mess. Bills are out of control. But still nothing that isn't to new or something I haven't seen before. I feel like I am in the limbo stage of life, just waiting to get to the next part.

It really sucks that I wrote a great post, but then had to delete it because I was afraid that in the future someone important might read the goods and bring it back to me. And that's just to chancey here.

But- I got a job offering. Not from any agency or school, but on my own with a few helpful websites and a little bit of confidence. Let's see if this works out...

waste of time

Hi my name is jobless mcnanny and for the life of me I can't get a family. I actually had someone call yesterday, there first question was, "What are your rates?" this question is so loaded. I've low balled myself so much lately it makes me sick. SO i mention what I would prefer then what I can be negotiated to work for. This was the response, " Oh you know what? Can I call you back this afternoon, I'm a little busy." I said sure then realized she didn't have my number. Ask me my rates PLEASE before calling me. And by the way, she never called and never emailed.
Unfortunately according to every agency I go to, my age is what scares people the most even though I carry myself so well. This is something I have zero control over.
And please don't ask me for a second interview and get my hopes up if you know you have a problem with my age.
Don't waste my time.

I'm sitting here with my coffee within reach and calming music blasting over any other noise.
I need something a little calming.

I've heard nothing from the family, which probably isn't their fault, but yet the school/agency I am unfortunately attached to. I hear it's chaos, a huge revolving door with the recent staff walking out. And that is a very unfortunate situation for them but ESPECIALLY me. If my agent is gone they will hire a new agent, and new agents concentrate on the new class with little focus elsewhere. And kids, I'm old news with bad luck. I have harassed the school repeatedly within the past 2 days. Calling up probably too often, but I need a job. NOW.

Maybe I should contact this family on my own, no contract but a job.


I have been contacted by two other families from craigslist and the newspaper. Since when was it ok to pay private childcare minimum wage? Or under? I saw one ad that offered 3-4$ based on experience...no words for that.

I feel like a big tired pile of myself today. Feet are sore, eye lids puffy, and no cell phone. At least for awhile. Which is a strange relief, I don't have to worry if the stupid thing is charged or not, no worries to check it every 5 minutes, no worries about having the right ringer at the right time. But unfortunately that means I am a step behind with news, events, gossip, you name it. And no one likes to call up a house phone these days. Oh and don't forget I am saving money.

Had my second interview with a family yesterday, which is a very good sign. Not many families do second interviews anymore. They need a nanny and they need one now, so skip the second interview and go with the gut. Which can be good or bad. Maybe if I had a second interview with the other family, I might have seen what the deal was. Anyways, the kids were great. I successfully distracted a 3 year old for a full hour. Which is impressive because he had 0 attention span which I witnessed from the first interview and what I was told after. We made button people, which was fun for the 7 year old and fun for the 3 year old. We had glitter, popsicle sticks, buttons, crayons, construction paper- they loved it. I have a good feeling about the family. Even if it doesn't work out for me, the family will be great to some other nanny, but I am hoping the nanny will be me.

Scratch the last post. I need a cigarette. Really I'm getting over it, applied to two jobs and have the nanny school on my side.
I got mixed reviews about the failure of the opportunity by which I call my life. Some didn't believe me, others demanded my presence, some gave their condolences, and some just laughed. The other nannies were the one's who laughed. They know how it goes for all nannies in the interview and beginning stages of the nanny world. Don't be too comfortable until you've passed 90 days. Then you can say the family is a success. I lasted 2 days. Fantastic. Please someone give me another glass of brandy. I asked God what he wanted from my life. So much bitterness. Blame fate. What else is to blame for freak accidents.


So what's next on the list? Well more job searching, probably pushing my bitterness into a corner of my soul and ignoring it until it explodes into a full mental crisis. Push on Push on.

2.05

My life has finally calmed down to a smoother ebb and flow for every day life. I went from the chaos of being unemployed for 3 months and stress of bills to the relief of holding 3 jobs and capability to paying off some debt.

Working in retail emphasizes how superficial life can be, I watch people spend money on things they don't need, to look a certain way for now just so they can throw it out in 3 months and move on to another look for the next season. I can't judge though, I'm also a sucker for a certain image I would like to be. But it is only an image in my mind I have more important things to look to in life.

I want to make a list of the things I would like to get done. First on the list would be a list of questions to ask a trustworthy pastor about the bible and Christianity. I would like to have a balance in life, find my faith, and have a slight understanding with the religion I grew up with. Even if I happen to disagree, at least I will understand why and be fully informed by a knowledgeable source. I have an emptiness I need to fill, perhaps faith will help be find the meaning of my void.

I want to give. I despise feeling selfish. I'm slowly doing things for others because I have a guilt for being so selfish and self consumed. For example: I helped paint beth's room the other day because she's on bed rest. The sooner the room is painted, the less she has to go downstairs and the less walking for her body. So I did it on my own as much as I could until my hands were sore and feet were tired. I paid for it at work the next two days but it was worth it. And still I do it for selfish reasons. I want to do these things for people as my own relief to my own personal loathing.

I want to be healthy. I plan on running tomorrow very early. I've stopped smoking, and have tried to let up on the drinking. Smoking is the biggest obstacle to overcome. I do not exercise when I smoke, my lungs hurt and I give up faster. I feel like a worthy human being when I can honestly say I am in good health. I want to eat better. Less red meat, more fish maybe try being vegetarian again.

Make a list of things that truly interest me and research them. For example; teaching english as a second language. Or child development. Or even small steps like pottery on the wheel and finding a small art center. Maybe taking gardening classes.


Most of all I just want to be a person full of vitality. To make life worth talking about. When someone asks me what I've been up to I can bring something up from the list. Even just accomplishing on thing on the list and I would feel slightly fulfilled, I want to go in the right direction, be my own person.