I feel like I have a rope around my neck and unfortunately I am dragging along with the person that holds the other end. Please just let go. I don't want to be tied up in your messy drama. I thought I was let go weeks ago. And all I can think is, if only a few moments had been changed... If you aren't going to let go, push me off the edge and let me hang.

Sometimes I really have no words to write in this box. Everything that happened this week is so trivial compared to Chloe Isabell's birth. And for a note, I was actually in the delivery room during the labor, and it is much more intense than anything I could imagine.

old tricks.

First week on the job. With Nanny and Cartridge World, I am working 11 hour days. Which by friday, I am exhausted and looking for a break, or a nap. But this new family has been great, my first day they gave me a gift welcoming me to the new job as the new Nanny. Then throughout the week I have received encouraging notes about the work with Baby. But it has been the best start to a job ever. I feel in the zone, and even when I am frustrated, I've learned techniques to calm myself. Which I should transfer from nanny world to social world.

I have to say in the chaos which is life, I feel so happy. I may be tired, maybe even frustrated at times, but I feel so content. Things have begun to seriously work themselves out. Such as health insurance, bills (as much as bills can work out, and the relief of refusing drama. I'd rather be the ears to listen to someone else's drama than the mouth to tell the personal story. You can dig up your old bones but I'll keep mine buried.

pumpkin gnocchi in a butter sage sauce

Isn't it a wonder how I've had my fill of certain people. The past few days I've felt stuffed mentally of course with drama that should have nothing to do with me and physically which parallels the moments I am with my certain relative (and others). Really no more. I'm full. The first few bites were delicious, now the taste is a little too pungent and nothing I can do can remove the taste. I'm so over each topic, it has all been said, but yet no one listens to themselves or me.
These days I honestly don't have time for the pungent taste. It's too much to get over, so I am afraid I'll have to avoid it completely. But hey if you tried to stop shoving it down my throat maybe we'd have a decent conversation. Maybe it's too much to bite off, and I've ended up at the other end asking everyone else how it is and now no one is noticing that I am choking on my own bite.

So when my stomach's full and my thirst's quenched I think I am going to walk away satisfied next time.

cobwebs

My mind is set on autopilot. Smile, nod, make a reply that actually makes sense to the conversation and isn't a fragment. Half the time I really don't know what I am saying, I'm just trying to get through the damn sentence. It doesn't really matter though, half of the things you say, you've said before. You are my father's brother's daughter whom I never see, and choose not to talk to. Really i do not need to be saved by the catholic church and no I never wanted to be a nun. But thanks, I appreciate the concern, but I would prefer if you had no concern.

I zoned out a bit there, i can't really focus, my memory has faded a little,I have to write everything down. I found a letter the other day, which in shock I threw into a drawer for fear of someone finding it. For fear that i might find it and send it. Or the letters to myself I used to write that are hidden in the yellow room down the hall (shoebox in the closet).

I'd rather make terrible mistakes in life than listen to your crackpipe advice.

Love and kisses.

overboard

Honestly, I'm a little cranky. I have hit a dry patch in writing in the white box. I've started to write then I would just become too exhausted of my own thoughts to continue. And I'm kinda still there. I find myself needing a glass of wine everynight. My mouth begs for a cigarette. But I just end up sitting here restlessly talking to a guy I should not be talking to, drinking a glass of wine I should not be drinking, and wishing for things I should not be wishing for.

Perhaps part of growing up is realizing that your wishes have become dreadfully small. I wish all my debt would go away. Which I suppose is not that small because in a way it is saying, I wish I could start over.
I wish I didn't have to get up for another glass of wine. I wish I didn't gain 5 pounds over my highest weight yet.

I also would love to just leave my retail store high and dry. But I can't do that according to the world.

I would also like to hang out with anyone I like, without the worries of compromising my relationship or a friendship.

I want to live on my own.

I want to be able to afford ingredients for great unmade recipes.

I want to be ok with God. On my own terms and no one else's.

And I don't want to be a downer...



too late.