2.05

My life has finally calmed down to a smoother ebb and flow for every day life. I went from the chaos of being unemployed for 3 months and stress of bills to the relief of holding 3 jobs and capability to paying off some debt.

Working in retail emphasizes how superficial life can be, I watch people spend money on things they don't need, to look a certain way for now just so they can throw it out in 3 months and move on to another look for the next season. I can't judge though, I'm also a sucker for a certain image I would like to be. But it is only an image in my mind I have more important things to look to in life.

I want to make a list of the things I would like to get done. First on the list would be a list of questions to ask a trustworthy pastor about the bible and Christianity. I would like to have a balance in life, find my faith, and have a slight understanding with the religion I grew up with. Even if I happen to disagree, at least I will understand why and be fully informed by a knowledgeable source. I have an emptiness I need to fill, perhaps faith will help be find the meaning of my void.

I want to give. I despise feeling selfish. I'm slowly doing things for others because I have a guilt for being so selfish and self consumed. For example: I helped paint beth's room the other day because she's on bed rest. The sooner the room is painted, the less she has to go downstairs and the less walking for her body. So I did it on my own as much as I could until my hands were sore and feet were tired. I paid for it at work the next two days but it was worth it. And still I do it for selfish reasons. I want to do these things for people as my own relief to my own personal loathing.

I want to be healthy. I plan on running tomorrow very early. I've stopped smoking, and have tried to let up on the drinking. Smoking is the biggest obstacle to overcome. I do not exercise when I smoke, my lungs hurt and I give up faster. I feel like a worthy human being when I can honestly say I am in good health. I want to eat better. Less red meat, more fish maybe try being vegetarian again.

Make a list of things that truly interest me and research them. For example; teaching english as a second language. Or child development. Or even small steps like pottery on the wheel and finding a small art center. Maybe taking gardening classes.


Most of all I just want to be a person full of vitality. To make life worth talking about. When someone asks me what I've been up to I can bring something up from the list. Even just accomplishing on thing on the list and I would feel slightly fulfilled, I want to go in the right direction, be my own person.