this coffee's cold

How music makes such a difference in my life. I can't write without it.

There's this lesson I'm learning about life...if i want to do something, I can't wait to find another person to do it with me. I need to learn to just get up on my own and get shit done. Perhaps I rely on other people because this person looks like he's got everything together. But in reality, everyone's just floating with the wind and I've anchored myself with doubt and guilt. She has a plan, so I must scratch one up out of the dust i've buried myself in. I can't follow someone elses dream... or their plan b for that matter. Stop trying to make your life parallel with his.

All of my posts are so melancholy. I don't know whether to write, well it's not so bad, because it really isn't... or to write i feel like i'm being dragged along because plan a has dissolved.


Seriously though, i'm afraid of plan b. Plan b is surburban, Plan b is settling.

at the bottom of the ocean

Look at the caller i.d. and freeze. My future just keeps creeping up on me.
The greatest of heroes had turmoil on their journey to who they were meant to be. And when it comes to mine, I just sit back and think well that's too hard, it's too far. there are so many options in life. will i be forever disappointed in myself for not following through with photography. After so many signs that I was on the right path... only to quit at the first sign of trouble.
But as I move on, working as server, I'm in a comfortable zone... well maybe I should just become a nurse and have cushy hours and full benefits along with the holidays off.
CCAD sprained my spirit. I'm on crutches. Lost because I need to find the "easiest path". I'm just so nervous to throw it all down and go after it one more time.


You can brave decisions Before you crumble up inside Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide


You can wait for ages Watch your compost turn to coal Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old

no words

Funny how i think of something to say. and the moment i put it down, i immediately wish to erase it. I guess I'm always looking for the perfect words to say. I want to be careful, make sure I understand what I am saying and if I really mean it. Half the time I don't mean it, it's just aching to be said.
Another funny, how I am dying to hear words most women would hate to hear. I see it in his eyes, trapped. It kills me that your mouth is saying different words than your eyes. I stare, tears rolling down, my eyes are pleading with his, but still no words.

Perhaps then, silence is the best measure to be taken. A safety net so things are not out of hand.


A moment of silence, please.

I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will. s. plath


i fixed up my profile and changed my picture. things were getting old. i almost changed the template too, but nothing is as dramatic and eye catching as this white on black.

i have begun to remember most of my dreams in the mornings. I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they aren't exactly pleasant. and like most of the dreams i remember, the all have a reoccuring theme wrapped in them. last summer: oranges, this fall... well it's silly so i will keep it to myself.

what to do now... these materials one day shall rise up and swallow me.

If there is less arguing there is less conflict. But pent up anger between the both of us, will make someone explode. Last night was like a conversation on replay, and it went on all night. You don't like advice that doesn't sway to your way. You are just as confused as everyone else, so why don't you just drop the "i know everything"bit. I mentioned travelling a week ago, and have heard nothing of the idea from you what so ever since then.
I would never travel with you? I think it's the other way around.
I've got nothing,stuck in this small town, opened my world back to you, and you don't want anything of it. If you just want to travel with your friends, please go ahead. But don't leave me here, on the back burner, so you have someone to call when you're lonely on the road. I would like to say i'm trying as hard as you, but i don't think you are trying that hard.
I really did want to see that movie. But after last night... not with a group of people, not with the people you rival with, pick-on, and leave invisible. In a group of people, I disappear. Try to get a word in, but it's damn near impossible.
"you were so worth..."
"you're allowed to do this now..."
those phrases are only for toys, or children. Which by the way I am neither. I'm also not the punching bag for you to release all your anger on. I will be your shoulder. Or your brace.
Take it out on someone else bud. I like bright eyes. No need for you to sit there and smash it, because you know i like it and you're angry.

if you're really just going to leave me on the side, please let me know so I can start walking now.
God knows I can't stay here much longer.

As my suggestions are completely ignored and replaced with a new idea ( which isn't necessarily bad) I must come up with ideas on my own. Which is much harder to carry out when no one is beside you, pushing you to do something.

I'm jealous .

I can't really go see the three sisters by myself. I have to take someone.

Maybe I'll cozy up to the brother and the wife and see if i can hitch a ride back to nurnberg. I know it's a terrible thing, but everyone thinks something along those lines in their life.

I wish i could go to Canada. But that's another place I'll have to go on my own.

night drive

Painted, went to the gym, and now i plan to go to work on my day off. And what motivates me to do this? Money. Oh the pain of money... Need it, want it.
My brother and his wife coming home in a month. From germany. Is it terrible that sometimes i don't even think of him.

And I sit here, and i still don't think of him. Something else is rotting in my mind.
Sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes, people just need an excuse.

this is want. here.