i don't know if i made the right decision. perhaps i was too quick to decide. which happens to be my greatest ffault. my impulsive nature, always wanting things now. i want to be ok right now. "it's for the best" i whisper to myself at night. read the book, forget about it. get coffee with friends you rarely see. in this town you're all alone. but please remember me. i should have just left. we should have just drove to oregon. God I'm 18 and i am full of regrets. I don't say things i mean. I'm sorry. I wish. I wish. Oh god, how i wish for things. Life has just bogged my mind down. Why do I plan to go to college when i have no idea what the hell i am doing. Why throw this time away with school, when unhappily I will have to make a decision to do something with it. my misery.
I want to throw up. my impulsive nature is saying, life is slipping away. you're wasting time. go, please, just go. if you stop, so will the world. and I write this and immediately regret thsi. you're a drama queen. i hear a knowck, or the dogs are barking, so i run up the stairs, look out the window and look for the lumina, for my mistake coming to fix itself. if i sat in a chair in front of a man in that white coat, and he looked at me, could he fix me. could he tell me what the hell i need to do. or give me medication to help me solve the problems on my own. God used to be my man in the white coat, but i can't talk to him anymore. my father used to be the man with the answers and now he is just someone i keep the peace with. my poor mother, shunned from my world. i can't let her know, would she really understand, or would she just tell me that i am a fuck-up and i did it. i want to live the life now. passionately, without fear, or the ridiculous obligation that follows me like a ball and chain. my guilt eats away at me. please just be happy with what i can give you. i can't give a lot, i must give a fair share to everyone or no one. i wish i could give you more. but i can't. i physically can't. i wish i could just go. i'm so dependent. my coffee sit untouched. cigarette butts all over my car. oregon. every one has a place that means something to them.mecca, isreal, oregon.
i want to hide this post. but it doesn't give me the satisfaction. the chance of a random person commenting on it, saying things that will hurt, or offend, you a piece of comfort, only as much as typed words from strangers can give you.
why can't i just call you, leave my job, and go cross country.

i'm sorry for the mess i made of myself.