i was up and you pushed me down.

i'm ashamed of my dreams.

of plans that don't fit in yours.

who knows art anyways. i could do it. really i could.

how words can just completely be ingrained into your mind. repeating itself over and over and over again. i haven't stopped thinking about it yet.

my latest nightmares if i haven't already mentioned them: my body open and everyone taking my organs like they were candy, little kids, businessmen, family.
second: being repeatedly sexually assualted by a man who i couldn't get away from.

perhaps it is all just stress.

remember this little place? come find me here.

it's a war baby.
this is. the blog right here.

vengeance isn't my pretty side but it's there.

sweetheart...i'm so tired. so exhausted of fighting. what a task i am. promise me this and i will promise you that. i never knew that you thought of me as a child.
dad.
he wrote me a note saying he will love me even after the world stops turning. i cried.
you don't write me notes.
or visit me a work.
or give any presents showing you thought of me.
do you think of me or just yourself?
and how come everything has to be an extravagant fairytale.
i never asked for a fairytale. i asked for a boyfriend.

i don't have any feelings for the camping trip. probably more fights. probably more drama. less fun. more.less.more.less.more.less.less.less.

and who am i to be friends with. she isn't good enough. she never was. you never like her. she is a bad influence.
who am i to judge? who are you?
doesn't matter. as you hang out with your friends, and my loneliness eats me away, none of my friends are here to comfort anyhow.

anyhow, i give up and give in.
i ask too much and am too little.
never enough. i'll never be enough.


i cut out a comic for you today. it was about Wii and i thought of you. thought it might brighten your day to know i was thinking about you.

my night was full of different nightmares. in fact the last few days i've gotten a lack of sleep due to them.
the moon was shooting beams into my body. i felt my body changing,, it was scary and i woke up in a sweat.
then i was being burned in my bed by a woman in all black with a bottle of alcohol and a single match.

my eyes are puffy.

i want to pick up my mandolin again.

hey beautiful day.

so many songs to drown my ears in. which to listen to first as i give new life into this blog of mine?

columbus. i can't go back. already accepted the scholarship. i can't go back. i can't disappoint my parents, although your disappointment will probably be a taste of death also.

i have a couple of new ideas for painting. eh? painting? I don't paint. but i would like to pick it up.
lets mix this culture with my own romantic twits that inhabit my brain. it seems like a waste to be over supplied in ideas, but lack the talent to create something really great.
i also really want some charcoal. i like the feeling of charcoal.

if i stayed behind
would you let your hair grow?

ridiculous exam tomorrow. ridiculous night, tonight, i feel it coming. oh dear.

i'm dreaming of car wrecks and thunderstorms bright
let's bury ourselves

let the night feel my song.
i'll be home. oh i'll be home.