This is a smart car. And I want it.


I might be able to afford it with my new job... :)

Sunday Night Raspberries

With raspberries at the bottom of my cocktail glass, I've begun to really see what I want. Less drama, more me. Me sounds selfish, but after worrying about friends for so long, I just want to be okay by myself. I have a list of things that I want to do. And now that a secure future may be at hand, I can dream of the little things. Sewing class, cooking class, ceramics class, do I need to go on? It's about time I stop worrying about the future and focusing on the now. This past week I have had a little bit of a handle on that. With drama enveloping the first part of the week, I've decided to ignore it for awhile and see how I like it...

I don't miss it. Or the short-lasted comfort.


What I do miss on the other hand, is the comfort of a friend who knows me so well. The potential of a long lasting relationship, where both parties are willing to work on things. It's nice to take a step back and realize what it takes to make it through life. Playing in the snow, getting lost, and the forever ambition to make life better. I know better now, and I hope not to forget it this time.

Friday I had an interview, which honestly fell into my lap. Networking is a keyword I never paid attention to before. Out of the mouth of a strange coworker,whose sister needed a hard working employee. With the possibility of a really neat job, I know how important it actually networking is. One of the largest collection law firms in the nation they have decided to consider me for a skip tracing position. I get to find people all day long. I think of it as detective work. I absolutely won over my interviewers, now only a few little details in place hopefully I can relax.


I know what I need to work on. Maturing socially, slowing down, and looking at the now instead of later. And after cookies from a very old friend, I realize how important the female friends are in my life.


And the raspberries were delicious.

baked potatoes

The strangest day happened to be yesterday. After a heavy night of drinking I am trying to piece it all together. The day was hell, full of bad wisdom teeth and fighting, then a break. The night was full of drinking, game, and dancing. Obviously I was drunk otherwise I would not have danced. As I sit here, I am a bit blown away (and hung over) over what had all actually occurred.

It's almost over.








Also, baked potatoes are the cure for the sick stomach of drinking.

my disgust keeps me awake

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.


Sometimes songs just sum it up better than I can.


It's just really bad now. 4 am, wide awake, writing a blog. Maybe it isn't my stress that has been keeping me awake. And unfortunately the wine-oh it does not help me to sleep.

It was so good before, so young, so hopeful. Promises, monsters, and flying glass. What a mess.

swimming through cities

I am walking through the city, and Imogen Heaps Hide and Seek is playing in the background. I have long hair again and my body looks like it's under water. As people walk by they stare at me. I am the only one walking this way. As everyone passes, people try to touch me, but only feel water. Then everyone begins to run the opposite direction. It looks as though people are screaming, but all i hear is the music. I finally get to my destination, which is a monster like Godzilla tearing down buildings. He stops and waits for me to get there. I stand before him, and put one hand on his scaly skin. A burst of water shoots through where i just touched him. I touch him on the other side and more water bursts through. Eventually i destroy the monster, and the city in under water.

You really have to listen to the song.

only one glass left

Nothing turns as it should. Yes I have a pretty good idea of how things should turn out for me, but alas to the world jokes, I become gung ho and only come out with bruises. Nothing learned except don't trust whats easy, or hard, don't trust yourself, or the world, life is just a mess of guesses. The fear of dying with nothing to look forward to in the end, is probably true, and your secret hopes of heaven is probably a delusional hope, which will only leave you bruised. Or just nothing but dust in the grave. Which isn't as depressing when you have finished a bottle of wine, but even more depressing when you only have one bottle of wine. The last glass before bed and not even 8.


I get into bed, pull the covers over myself, then close my eyes. But even with my eyes closed, they feel like broken shades at a top of the window. My eyelids let the sun shine in. As the dam has been pushed through, the rubble flows through. The river sparkles of my stresses. I stand by the over flooded river watching money, morals, and family float by. My faith just sunk to the bottom. Not really a big dwal, it's not like I ever got an answer from it anyways. Faith was never too close to me. But as I take a gulg from the wine glass, I never really was too close to Faith either.

3 weeks since my last normal nights sleep. I wake up at least 2-4 times in the night. Perhaps tonight, I will sleep through the night. And perhaps tomorrow, there will be no worries. Or perhaps slightly less worries.