bare-faced

With sloppy wet hair, I walk out the door and pull my ugly sweater down. I wish it covered my knees. I'm bare-faced to the wind, and it isn't holding back. It swirls around me, finding holes in my clothes and replacing the heat I had gained and replacing it with a bitter cold. Even in my car the cold never leaves me. And as I listen to mindless radio, or cd, or even the quiet nothing but the hum of my exhausted engine, I think of the waste spent last night. Although falling asleep with my niece on my chest was most comforting, the cheap wine aftertaste that surrounds my mouth this morning reminds me of my sad drunken texts. More so bitter than sad, I suppose. I still haven't shed one tear since the day.
Either way, I have figured out that 6 glasses of wine makes me feel worse, but then everything is roses when holding my niece. So whenever depressed, hold a baby and the world will come back together.

swirls of gray

The mornings are easier. Even though I awake to the dreary grayest day, I'd still rather be present in the morning. For the past two days my mind has been clouded with a fog, slowly lifting, and I am able to make the outlines of what's next. I'm no longer at home and with all the other changes it overwhelmed me at first. I now find comfort in the unfamiliar home that is becoming quite comfortable.

And as always I look to my future. It is almost frightening to be able to make decisions without any restrictions. Nothing really holds me back, I just have to decide. To stay home, save up, go to school part-time. To move, with a friend, take out another huge loan, go to school full-time.

Oh the choices...

Actually. In between the strange crying fits, I feel some sort of relief, and hopes of some sort of friendship.

What a strange place I'm in now

Almost every other day, I have written something in this box, and by the end of it I realize it's pointless so I delete it immediately.

My brother went back to Iraq last night. Unfortunately I didn't say goodbye, so I feel a little guilty. With his leaving, my sister-in-law is very adamant for me to move in as soon as possible.

Opened up a savings account, and the very attractive bank account manager, asked me what I was saving up for. I thought about it for a second, sighed, and then replied, "I actually have no idea."


I have a feeling that I will never be satisfied in life.

the only thing that keeps me going are future plans.

i plan to be everything. sylvia plath had to choose, but I will not.