i don't know if i made the right decision. perhaps i was too quick to decide. which happens to be my greatest ffault. my impulsive nature, always wanting things now. i want to be ok right now. "it's for the best" i whisper to myself at night. read the book, forget about it. get coffee with friends you rarely see. in this town you're all alone. but please remember me. i should have just left. we should have just drove to oregon. God I'm 18 and i am full of regrets. I don't say things i mean. I'm sorry. I wish. I wish. Oh god, how i wish for things. Life has just bogged my mind down. Why do I plan to go to college when i have no idea what the hell i am doing. Why throw this time away with school, when unhappily I will have to make a decision to do something with it. my misery.
I want to throw up. my impulsive nature is saying, life is slipping away. you're wasting time. go, please, just go. if you stop, so will the world. and I write this and immediately regret thsi. you're a drama queen. i hear a knowck, or the dogs are barking, so i run up the stairs, look out the window and look for the lumina, for my mistake coming to fix itself. if i sat in a chair in front of a man in that white coat, and he looked at me, could he fix me. could he tell me what the hell i need to do. or give me medication to help me solve the problems on my own. God used to be my man in the white coat, but i can't talk to him anymore. my father used to be the man with the answers and now he is just someone i keep the peace with. my poor mother, shunned from my world. i can't let her know, would she really understand, or would she just tell me that i am a fuck-up and i did it. i want to live the life now. passionately, without fear, or the ridiculous obligation that follows me like a ball and chain. my guilt eats away at me. please just be happy with what i can give you. i can't give a lot, i must give a fair share to everyone or no one. i wish i could give you more. but i can't. i physically can't. i wish i could just go. i'm so dependent. my coffee sit untouched. cigarette butts all over my car. oregon. every one has a place that means something to them.mecca, isreal, oregon.
i want to hide this post. but it doesn't give me the satisfaction. the chance of a random person commenting on it, saying things that will hurt, or offend, you a piece of comfort, only as much as typed words from strangers can give you.
why can't i just call you, leave my job, and go cross country.

i'm sorry for the mess i made of myself.

i felt so full, heavy, a bloated mind.too much to think. so after having something terrible for me and a milisecond cry, along a 5 minute drive. I returned to the composed side I had been lacking for the day.
SO note to oneself: go for a drive when things are full.

full

i hate waiting. waited for alli two days ago, for three hours, ended up it was too long and i had to leave due to traffic. last night, i promised to stay up for beth, six pina colidas later... no call no show. and now another wait, to hear from joe, which even when i do hear from him he will make a suggestion to go to a place that i really don't want to be, but i really don't want to be here either.
the tension is so palpable i could chew on it. the only thing that's heard is the bird's chirping. my father's furrowed brow is loud enough, words i suppose aren't needed.
been there done that. i'd really rather just avoid you than hear that speech.
i'd really just like to avoid everyone.

there was a brown praying mantis on my apartment door, just after making a huge difficult decision. he was completely still trying to blend with metal.

doesn't that mean good luck?

hi all.

so now having so much trouble with this school,my mother tells me i should look elsewhere in majors and careers besides the arts.
i love the arts...but perhaps my mother is right.

so after watching bravo, i kinda lookking at real estate? is that weird? probably...but anyways the outlook is faster than average, and schooling could either be between 3 weeks to only 2 years, then you go straight into your career. and if i got a mentor i have a better chance at being successful.
i'm not giving up on photography yet, but it would be smart to also loook into other careers too.

its so hard picking out a career. especially when i am spending 30,000 dollars to a school that isn't teaching me anything thats directly related to my major because of a freshmen year requirements.
plus even if i leave my major, photography will always be with me anyways. it's something i could never really give up.
lee what do you think?