watered down

A big storm came through last night, you'd think with the lack of rain in ohio right now everything would look lush and green, but instead everything looks watered down and heavy. Like the air and the plants have too much to carry.
I feel the same, heavy and too much to carry. I'm cynical of the upcoming job, i have become so used to failure and things not working out- that i expect it. And in every relationship I assume there are the ups and downs. We are doing good and we are doing not so good. This part isn't quite not so good yet but it isn't good either. And while another trails behind me, being more than friendly, I feel as though I am in a game of chess, looking to far ahead into the maybe zone. Over analyzing is my game.
Joe asked me what I wanted, I had to answer that moment and there wasn't any restrictions, so there could not be any excuses. He said he wanted to get into a car and drive off to deadwood. He would have zero worries of car problems or money problems. He wouldn't have to worry about his job or family or friends. Honestly- when he asked me what I wanted, at that exact moment- I felt like baking.

I am a simple girl with simple pleasures. When it comes to the most base things in life, I'd rather see someone else happy then be comfortable on the sidelines.Life is better when you can make someone else improve their day. I'm a gift giver, a cooking mama, a big hugger, and an even bigger lover. So tomorrow I think I am going to take out a couple recipes and begin to improve someones day.

the old and the new

The cycles of life make my head spin. Went to a funeral yesterday, my first open casket. It was strange to see the man laying there, knowing it was just an empty shell of a man who once was there. It was harder to see his family sit there, watching each person giving there respects to this man's life. I didn't know him to well, I am close friends with his daughter, who is having a difficult time handling this. I don't have many memories with him but what I do have is full of beatles, rock shows, and an old man who was a little too flirty with his daughters friends. But still always such a cheerful man.
And on the day of his unfortunate death the circle made it's full round,and a new life has begun. Joe's niece has come to this world. A little earlier than expected, but she is well. Welcome little one, I hope the lights aren't too bright and the nurses are gentle with you.


And in the pulling of the tide, I'm still waiting for things to begin. The stress of bills will always pull me into the reality that I cannot live life until it is paid full and clear. I've begun to go through time, by pulling out old memories in my closet. Some are dusty old laughs, some are unfortunate memories I wish I hadn't pulled out. But as I pull out each one, I sort and clean, get rid of the old and put the new in it's place. It's refreshing to have things in it's place, although it's a mess now things will be where all should be. Perhaps afterwards the waiting won't be so long.

Maybe in this interviewing stage of hell I should remind myself of rules. Do not leave an acceptance of a job over a message. It's been 2 days and I haven't gotten any validation of the message.
The interviews are seriously hell. The phone tags, the analyzing of what they meant, deciphering red flags, finding out if they are psychos. Oh and the rate game, no one wants to ask how much they are willing to pay or how much you are willing to be paid. My favorite part is when the parent prints out a sheet of questions they found on the internet and decides to use them. Unfortunately dear parents, I've read the questions, and have had a lengthy course on interviewing skills in the nanny world. Ask me all of those questions and I will answer them to your heart's content.
Honestly, I love kids, I want to nanny, and I'm tired of the games.

Everything else is ok. Relationship is good. Family is moving along. Friends are the usual mess. Bills are out of control. But still nothing that isn't to new or something I haven't seen before. I feel like I am in the limbo stage of life, just waiting to get to the next part.

It really sucks that I wrote a great post, but then had to delete it because I was afraid that in the future someone important might read the goods and bring it back to me. And that's just to chancey here.

But- I got a job offering. Not from any agency or school, but on my own with a few helpful websites and a little bit of confidence. Let's see if this works out...

waste of time

Hi my name is jobless mcnanny and for the life of me I can't get a family. I actually had someone call yesterday, there first question was, "What are your rates?" this question is so loaded. I've low balled myself so much lately it makes me sick. SO i mention what I would prefer then what I can be negotiated to work for. This was the response, " Oh you know what? Can I call you back this afternoon, I'm a little busy." I said sure then realized she didn't have my number. Ask me my rates PLEASE before calling me. And by the way, she never called and never emailed.
Unfortunately according to every agency I go to, my age is what scares people the most even though I carry myself so well. This is something I have zero control over.
And please don't ask me for a second interview and get my hopes up if you know you have a problem with my age.
Don't waste my time.

I'm sitting here with my coffee within reach and calming music blasting over any other noise.
I need something a little calming.

I've heard nothing from the family, which probably isn't their fault, but yet the school/agency I am unfortunately attached to. I hear it's chaos, a huge revolving door with the recent staff walking out. And that is a very unfortunate situation for them but ESPECIALLY me. If my agent is gone they will hire a new agent, and new agents concentrate on the new class with little focus elsewhere. And kids, I'm old news with bad luck. I have harassed the school repeatedly within the past 2 days. Calling up probably too often, but I need a job. NOW.

Maybe I should contact this family on my own, no contract but a job.


I have been contacted by two other families from craigslist and the newspaper. Since when was it ok to pay private childcare minimum wage? Or under? I saw one ad that offered 3-4$ based on experience...no words for that.

I feel like a big tired pile of myself today. Feet are sore, eye lids puffy, and no cell phone. At least for awhile. Which is a strange relief, I don't have to worry if the stupid thing is charged or not, no worries to check it every 5 minutes, no worries about having the right ringer at the right time. But unfortunately that means I am a step behind with news, events, gossip, you name it. And no one likes to call up a house phone these days. Oh and don't forget I am saving money.

Had my second interview with a family yesterday, which is a very good sign. Not many families do second interviews anymore. They need a nanny and they need one now, so skip the second interview and go with the gut. Which can be good or bad. Maybe if I had a second interview with the other family, I might have seen what the deal was. Anyways, the kids were great. I successfully distracted a 3 year old for a full hour. Which is impressive because he had 0 attention span which I witnessed from the first interview and what I was told after. We made button people, which was fun for the 7 year old and fun for the 3 year old. We had glitter, popsicle sticks, buttons, crayons, construction paper- they loved it. I have a good feeling about the family. Even if it doesn't work out for me, the family will be great to some other nanny, but I am hoping the nanny will be me.

Scratch the last post. I need a cigarette. Really I'm getting over it, applied to two jobs and have the nanny school on my side.
I got mixed reviews about the failure of the opportunity by which I call my life. Some didn't believe me, others demanded my presence, some gave their condolences, and some just laughed. The other nannies were the one's who laughed. They know how it goes for all nannies in the interview and beginning stages of the nanny world. Don't be too comfortable until you've passed 90 days. Then you can say the family is a success. I lasted 2 days. Fantastic. Please someone give me another glass of brandy. I asked God what he wanted from my life. So much bitterness. Blame fate. What else is to blame for freak accidents.


So what's next on the list? Well more job searching, probably pushing my bitterness into a corner of my soul and ignoring it until it explodes into a full mental crisis. Push on Push on.

2.05

My life has finally calmed down to a smoother ebb and flow for every day life. I went from the chaos of being unemployed for 3 months and stress of bills to the relief of holding 3 jobs and capability to paying off some debt.

Working in retail emphasizes how superficial life can be, I watch people spend money on things they don't need, to look a certain way for now just so they can throw it out in 3 months and move on to another look for the next season. I can't judge though, I'm also a sucker for a certain image I would like to be. But it is only an image in my mind I have more important things to look to in life.

I want to make a list of the things I would like to get done. First on the list would be a list of questions to ask a trustworthy pastor about the bible and Christianity. I would like to have a balance in life, find my faith, and have a slight understanding with the religion I grew up with. Even if I happen to disagree, at least I will understand why and be fully informed by a knowledgeable source. I have an emptiness I need to fill, perhaps faith will help be find the meaning of my void.

I want to give. I despise feeling selfish. I'm slowly doing things for others because I have a guilt for being so selfish and self consumed. For example: I helped paint beth's room the other day because she's on bed rest. The sooner the room is painted, the less she has to go downstairs and the less walking for her body. So I did it on my own as much as I could until my hands were sore and feet were tired. I paid for it at work the next two days but it was worth it. And still I do it for selfish reasons. I want to do these things for people as my own relief to my own personal loathing.

I want to be healthy. I plan on running tomorrow very early. I've stopped smoking, and have tried to let up on the drinking. Smoking is the biggest obstacle to overcome. I do not exercise when I smoke, my lungs hurt and I give up faster. I feel like a worthy human being when I can honestly say I am in good health. I want to eat better. Less red meat, more fish maybe try being vegetarian again.

Make a list of things that truly interest me and research them. For example; teaching english as a second language. Or child development. Or even small steps like pottery on the wheel and finding a small art center. Maybe taking gardening classes.


Most of all I just want to be a person full of vitality. To make life worth talking about. When someone asks me what I've been up to I can bring something up from the list. Even just accomplishing on thing on the list and I would feel slightly fulfilled, I want to go in the right direction, be my own person.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
trainspotting

whatever crisis i am going through, mental break-downs, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, self-loathing whatever it is, i need to get out of it. but i have decided that if i was ever to write a fictional novel loosely based off of my life it would all begin with my teeth. and how they don't shut completely. it's not like i have an overbite or an underbite, oh no they are slanted teeth that are too short to shut on their own. yes, then i would go into how difficult and awkward not being able to bite down with the front teeth. oh yes, then it would go into who had first presented this fact about my mouth and how i was completely unaware of my methods of eating until just then. that is when character development would start.
i suppose this novel would need a purpose, over-stimulation perhaps. the dynamics of a woman on the side of an egotistical philosophical wanna-be movement group.

sounds a little cliche but i've never been able to enjoy corn on the cob.

peaces

It's 6 pm and I'm already tipsy. Stumble upstairs toward my shitty laptop i write my thoughts upon and complain. As i finally get to this point of writing i realize, perhaps drinking isn't the best for me due to it's depressing attributes it gives so freely. But I like to be loose. I like to "loose" myself. And while I have this small opportunity I will take it with open arms and wish i had a cigarette not a guilt trip. But unfortunately i have the latter of the two. Thank goodness for spell check, otherwise this would be impossible to read. I'm too busy sipping from my drink rather checking errors on this blank page.
Where shall life take this world of mine. I'm already bitter and the evening hasn't even begun! I just want my own place. Not our's but mine. I want mine. Set me into the wild and see branch off on my own. I will climb to where ever life will open it's path. I guess I'm doing that.
I'm so limited. I will lack stories to tell the little ones, and who knows if they will even ask. I am unable to let go and be free. I cannot allow myself to draw freely, paint freely, write freely. I must censor. I want to be so many things, and there are so many details to each person to be I can't keep track, and I cannot decide on who to be. SO unfortunately I am all and I am nothing. I am an anything everything nothing mess to be had. So if you would like to pick up the pieces and finish this piece I am trying to piece together please find me, because there is no way i can piece myself together.

rain is too much compared with bad luck or a sign of something terrible to come. i see this rain giving vitality to the parched earth, and like me i need vitality and the opportunity to grow.

this weekend went over a friends house and received unexpected flattery and attention. it felt so good to be wanted. desired. and even though it felt good, i felt guilty when i left. guilty over the pleasure of being wanted. eyes watching me, i can't help but give a flirtatious smile. i didn't want it to stop. my vanity was parched so they watered the plant that can take over my thoughts.

yesterday i rearranged my room in order to feel at peace. joe made me a table for my birthday and it has finally made it's way to my room. situated between two windows i feel like it might make me motivated to do something creative. at one time or another. as i moved furniture around i stopped at to peak at old journals from 6th grade. I didn't want to open it knowing i would roll my eyes and be sickened by the former youth. Instead i noticed that as a young girl even in the private journal i was in denial. I remember my feelings during certain times and yet this person who wrote those words put on a face. I have never been more self aware to the extent of looking back. The denial of feelings just spread throughout the entries, I tried to sound like the girl i wanted to be but not the girl i actually was. Perhaps it was a safety measure of sanity for a young girl who had no idea how to handle her emotions.

interview today. bleh. i am not nervous yet, nor excited, just neutral due to the many rejections in the past few months.

if no one can win or lose, is it still a game?

my thoughts drift so easily into my mind in the mornings it's hard to grab at them and put them here. especially when i've had so many thoughts in the past few days.

i woke up this morning to an empty house which was slightly startling due to the fact that this is the day everyone's home. not today though. so i sit here and recall the latest days. i'm not a duty, or an obligation. women are second in this group. i walk into the room i receive a nod, as the men come in one by one a huge smile breaks open and it's hugs for all. i've never been able to put my finger on why i felt treated differently but it's in all the looks, the fake laughter, the empty eyes. it's the lack of trying to see me as an equal. drink up, make it icy cold. liquor burns my throat and upsets my stomach, but i'd rather get through the night intoxicated then have to sit there painfully sober and aware of my surroundings. i think i said fuck you 7 times in the game. and even though their sailor mouths kept moving thick with curses, at my fuck you they were offended. it's all in the game darling. this game here and the real game we're playing. so fuck you and your friends don't be shocked, you were the one who opened this can. every drink was for chicago. three months away from here, and the chance to pay off some debt. a baby step before i can break off with my mistress ohio. they drank to some unknown ideals, reaching for a thought felt meaningful between the notes of their hallucinations and drunken realities. slurred thoughts of bullshit kept running through my mind. if there is anything learned from the past two years, it's better to just keep your mouth shut. no one listens anyways.

besides all the negativity, it's a beautiful morning, puffy clouds dotting the clouds and a slight breeze brushing the grounds. i'm calm again.

As i sit here, with 6 sam adams in my stomach, i feel my bitterness rise up within me like a gag reflex from drinking too much. it all happens at once, together. So i look for some female, one strong woman to look to. That woman who has feeling, intuition, and equality with differences, as well as balance to look up to, and i find myself empty handed.
Where is she? Am i supposed to wait for my own mother teresa and follow in their lead? or is this the sign that women need a proud failure to look up to for prose and poetry and feel the feeling inside. All i have is anger, to the men, to myself. And not even to men itself, but the men that have so deeply impacted me. Significant others, and the ones above. I do not want to be set aside for the bouts of depression, i do not want to be set aside for the things that women are known for. but how can i say no when i, myself, suffer from these things.
How i hate and love the things that make me a woman. I love to provide, to make, and create a sense of comfort. And yet I hate the fact that it can be looked down upon. Menstruation against Menopause, home-makers against the feminists, the insecurities feed upon us like vultures. And i sit here with anger, knowing that my own vultures are eating away at themselves.
Dear God How I understand Eve's plight. How I desire perfection and hate being second. How these thoughts have rocked my beliefs and the core of who i thought i was. How slow i am to come to who i can be. How i stare at the figs and relate to Ms. Plath in her attempts of her personal journey. How I clench my fists towards Jack Kerouac and his ramblings. His beautiful chauvinist ramblings, i hate to understand where he comes from and how i quote his words.
Why can i not appreciate human kind for the fact that we are all human, why cannot i believe in the gender i fight for, but still get lost in the differences of eachother.








Mr. Zen Man, with every post i leave, i wait for your balanced comment.

if i were anything on my keyboard it would be the backspace button

god how the mildew grows. taking over everything, how i can smell it when i smile. leaves me thinking of what is there to remember. something so familiar, this bitterness. i can feel it climb over the walls of my insides so the light cannot come in. hear the degradation of my former self in this rotten body of mine. and when i crumple on the floor like a pile of dirty clothes, i wait for the people i know to come pick me up. but it has gotten so heavy, and their arms have grown ever so tired.
the tips of my fingers are so tender from plucking the double strings of an instrument i cannot play. of a thing that requires rhythm and i give it my half-ass attempt to create something that is beautiful.
the tips of my toes are so tender from walking where my feet couldn't go. wrong shoes. wrong place. drag them along stubbornly, forget about the pain and go. and go. and go.

paralyzed eyes

contrast on two floors, downstairs i can hear the laughter echoing, upstairs it's only me breathing softly. self medication. self- mutilation. there's nothing left to offer except my own confusion. i swallowed everything you gave me like table scraps to the dog. begging for more, but cries were ignored. last night was freedom, this morning only shows me a daze. give me something heavy to get me on my feet. move on move on. paralyzed eyes, stuck on a vision only i can see. spread myself across the ocean, feed me to the fishes. those philosophical junkies will take the bait. fuck you and your forced thoughts. your motivation eats away at me.

i don't know where this is going.

I've been sitting back lately. thinking of my place in this world. as a woman, human, the artist i think i secretly am. where do i fit in, with God, with the bible, i look at the women in the bible and i have to say honestly i don't have much to look up to. For a woman I have a very strong personality, confident, assertive. I would have to say intelligent or slightly ahead if i were to compare to other girls who worry about the next fuck. I don't even know where i am going with this post. I am asking an eternal question- where am i. I suppose it's something only time and experience can answer.

steady change

i consider myself a morning person, but this morning my eyes actually feel sore. probably due to the fact i had an emotional uproar last night. a little too much on my plate, too much to feel, i cried for half a second. I ran to the car with a cigarette in my fingers as soon as it was possible. so cold in may. just drive around, see my little town growing. as if my own religion, i hold to the future. future means hope, something forever changing. It's almost reliable, the changing. steady with the change.

so nanny school is getting a wee bit harder these days. I keep ignoring papers, worksheets, reading things. Not that I'm thinking I know all but, for a lack of motivation.so families everywhere. my agent told me about miami, florida area which I'm not sure how i feel about it. she says she can't see me in miami, i don't know if i can either. But it is a live-out position and they are willing to help pay rent. Very nice. But still miami? Also a family by boston, which i hear is a lovely place, but i really want nothing to do with upper east coast.
Picky picky. There are some families around here that are looking for nannies. And my agent said that both families would be a good fit for me. Which at this point of my life, would be the easiest. Not much traveling, I know, but set hours and I know the place. Something I take for granted everyday, i know this town. and a website on things to do with children, are surprisingly long, with things i have never heard about.
Pros:
1. Know the area. KNOW THE AREA!
2. i would be a live out!
3. I can save up my money with my family until then
4. set hours! (very rare for nannying)
5 kids are the perfect age for me, chances for a longer working period.
6 it would make my parents happy
7 it would make him happy
8 it would make my friends happy
9 which in turn would make my life easier and make me happy.
10 OH and i know where i can take pottery classes.

Cons:
1. Stuck in the area, nothing new (although like i said i can find new things)
2. not much traveling (i can do it on my own though)
3 i hate the winter
4 would be stuck in my parents place for 3 more months


looks like the pros win out.

i'm so sorry for the pain i cause you

on this no good, very bad day i had to choose (in the morning) to make mr. blue sky the song.

so this terrible day will be etched in my memory perhaps forever with mr. blue sky playing in the background.

mr. blue sky please tell us why you had to hide away for so long
where did we go wrong.