you remind me of yellow

how many times will i say the same thing in different words before i wake up. perhaps this is the meaning of life. or perhaps we are all saying the same thing in different words, and in this sense, are all trying to wake up. everything screams,sqeauls, or wails at me before i give it any attention. darling I cannot talk to you. allow me to capture you my little firefly, so i may keep you to myself.light up the skies for the little children who watch the yard with enchantment. what are you trying to remind me of? those innocent little dreams of mine? where the ideas leaked out of my mind into that little machine that created beautiful sceneries for me? and now it is gone and dead? the scenes are no longer alive, and neither or those precious ideas I held ever so tightly. oh but we cannot have it all, than the children would have nothing. and we were never meant to be halves, what is there to complete ourselves.

for whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
mr. e.e. cummings

even the trains are blue at night

everythings coloured blue in the frost of winter. i wipe the biting marks of the wind off my face and rub my knuckles warm before coming in.no one is on the roads during the freezing night, everyone is staying in. the roads are stained white with winter, only one light on in these houses called homes. this is your home, they call it surburbia. the winters are too cold, summers too hot, obligations run deep and parallel with family. you say i don't have any friends, but that's not true. you say i don't let anyone in, but that's not true either. sing a song. your aunt is wrong, mother's harsh, father's trying, brother's gone. my soggy cigarette stub says otherwise. it says to me, darlin' let the smoke in, roll the window down, let the cold air in.
let the cold air in.

who is to say this blog is useless? it is my poem, my prose...written a little differently letting the stanzas form as quickley as the thoughts in my head.

Catch

Oh how we throw around the most hateful words like it's a playful game between children. Don't drop the ball, then they win, and you're hurt. I'm sick of losing. And as they began to play toss, throwing the casual biting remarks in front of company, i threw everything i had in it. So hot and heavy of a remark, it was dropped immediately, and I walked away in silence. It looks like I win, and you're the hurt one now.

seattle down

84 posts.

Life has gotten a little too mundane to write about. My brother's wife came, which was all to be expected. There was no snow for the month of december. And it has now begun to snow in january. Goodness gracious little flakes, you're a bit late.

I decided I wanted more time. I want to finally do something. Yes my family plans to go to florida for vacation, which is great, but i'm ready for my own vacation. Different places to dream of every day. This week it has been a road trip to seattle washington. What's there you ask? Don't know, by driving up the coast would be beyond wonderful.

I'm worn down. I'm a smooth pebble in a whirling river.

It's the warmest december I can remember. If i just look at the sky, it a winter sky, clear and crisp. The ground doesn't have an inch of snow, I don't really have to wear a coat outside. The ground bleeds mud, pleading to the sky for snow. Perhaps this is the weather, yet again, paralleling to my life. Situations that are too warm for the season, so muddy i could easily get stuck in it. So my plan is to follow that clear crisp sky and inhale the cold air til my lungs hurt.

Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad
We put our feet just where they had, had to go
Never to go

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times

Tales of the Babysitter

Everything changes, thoughts of life coming begins to feel like a sucker punch to the stomach. I've gotten so close to one family and now they plan to leave. Three years of breaking the children in, three years of learning the routine; bedtimes, feeding times, play times, 'brush your teeth' times, and the, 'goodnight we'll play tomorrow' times, has become quite the bittersweet feeling.
Now I've got to say, I've been babysitting since I was 12, and by the time I hit 16, i said to myself I was never going to have kids. Way too much work for snotty spoiled children. Way too much to lose. You could really screw up a kid, and a kid isn't any toy you can just throw away for the night, because you want to go out...even if you haven't seen the kid for 3 days. Which specifically reminds me of a few families, and yes I know we all have our own dysfunctional families (especially my own), that are the parents who have kids for career moves or because all the other house wives are doing it. Or another family, who couldn't manage their 4 year old twins, so gave them everything they wanted, even if it didn't fit within their budget...but a crying kid (times two!!) is worse than stubbing your two, or missing the nail and hitting your hand, on purpose. Which then leads to a babysitter's nightmare: The Creepy Dad (aka Chester the Molester), Denis The Menace Twins (which made HIM look like an angel!), The Overprotective Mother (who happens to call every 20 minutes just to "check up"),
The Child Who Just Learned How to Lie (it becomes their favorite game after that), The Parents Who Underpay Even Though They Have the Money, And finally The Three's a Crowd So Let's Invite the All the Neighboorhood's Kids For the Night.

But I'm not here to complain, I'm here to look back fondly. Because now, the last and only family I babysit anymore, has decided to move. And they were great parents, with great kids. The one family who has redeemed my lost hopes for parenthood and children.
Maybe I will have kids someday.

no hesitation

I don't know what i said last night, drunken phone calls always leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The last thing I remember is the tears rolling down my face and repeating, "I don't think I believe you anymore." Whether that was in my head or was actually said, I have no idea.
My mind feels so fresh out here. I have nothing expected of me, and I am actually giggling and laughing hysterically like a girl my age should do every day. But being home with all the pressures an average person faces, I have a lack of the needed laughter that I am getting right now. There's excitement every hour, figuring out, whats next, who to see next. I won't hesitate no more, no more.

Free food, free laughter, real life. I love my friends so much, my appreciation exceeds anything right now. They give me strength in the places where I am the weakest.


It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved.

no hesitation

I don't know what i said last night, drunken phone calls always leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The last thing I remember is the tears rolling down my face and repeating, "I don't think I believe you anymore." Whether that was in my head or was actually said, I have no idea.
My mind feels so fresh out here. I have nothing expected of me, and I am actually giggling and laughing hysterically like a girl my age should do every day. But being home with all the pressures an average person faces, I have a lack of the needed laughter that I am getting right now. There's excitement every hour, figuring out, whats next, who to see next. I won't hesitate no more, no more.

Free food, free laughter, real life. I love my friends so much, my appreciation exceeds anything right now. They give me strength in the places where I am the weakest.


It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved.

this coffee's cold

How music makes such a difference in my life. I can't write without it.

There's this lesson I'm learning about life...if i want to do something, I can't wait to find another person to do it with me. I need to learn to just get up on my own and get shit done. Perhaps I rely on other people because this person looks like he's got everything together. But in reality, everyone's just floating with the wind and I've anchored myself with doubt and guilt. She has a plan, so I must scratch one up out of the dust i've buried myself in. I can't follow someone elses dream... or their plan b for that matter. Stop trying to make your life parallel with his.

All of my posts are so melancholy. I don't know whether to write, well it's not so bad, because it really isn't... or to write i feel like i'm being dragged along because plan a has dissolved.


Seriously though, i'm afraid of plan b. Plan b is surburban, Plan b is settling.

at the bottom of the ocean

Look at the caller i.d. and freeze. My future just keeps creeping up on me.
The greatest of heroes had turmoil on their journey to who they were meant to be. And when it comes to mine, I just sit back and think well that's too hard, it's too far. there are so many options in life. will i be forever disappointed in myself for not following through with photography. After so many signs that I was on the right path... only to quit at the first sign of trouble.
But as I move on, working as server, I'm in a comfortable zone... well maybe I should just become a nurse and have cushy hours and full benefits along with the holidays off.
CCAD sprained my spirit. I'm on crutches. Lost because I need to find the "easiest path". I'm just so nervous to throw it all down and go after it one more time.


You can brave decisions Before you crumble up inside Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide


You can wait for ages Watch your compost turn to coal Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old

no words

Funny how i think of something to say. and the moment i put it down, i immediately wish to erase it. I guess I'm always looking for the perfect words to say. I want to be careful, make sure I understand what I am saying and if I really mean it. Half the time I don't mean it, it's just aching to be said.
Another funny, how I am dying to hear words most women would hate to hear. I see it in his eyes, trapped. It kills me that your mouth is saying different words than your eyes. I stare, tears rolling down, my eyes are pleading with his, but still no words.

Perhaps then, silence is the best measure to be taken. A safety net so things are not out of hand.


A moment of silence, please.

I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will. s. plath


i fixed up my profile and changed my picture. things were getting old. i almost changed the template too, but nothing is as dramatic and eye catching as this white on black.

i have begun to remember most of my dreams in the mornings. I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they aren't exactly pleasant. and like most of the dreams i remember, the all have a reoccuring theme wrapped in them. last summer: oranges, this fall... well it's silly so i will keep it to myself.

what to do now... these materials one day shall rise up and swallow me.

If there is less arguing there is less conflict. But pent up anger between the both of us, will make someone explode. Last night was like a conversation on replay, and it went on all night. You don't like advice that doesn't sway to your way. You are just as confused as everyone else, so why don't you just drop the "i know everything"bit. I mentioned travelling a week ago, and have heard nothing of the idea from you what so ever since then.
I would never travel with you? I think it's the other way around.
I've got nothing,stuck in this small town, opened my world back to you, and you don't want anything of it. If you just want to travel with your friends, please go ahead. But don't leave me here, on the back burner, so you have someone to call when you're lonely on the road. I would like to say i'm trying as hard as you, but i don't think you are trying that hard.
I really did want to see that movie. But after last night... not with a group of people, not with the people you rival with, pick-on, and leave invisible. In a group of people, I disappear. Try to get a word in, but it's damn near impossible.
"you were so worth..."
"you're allowed to do this now..."
those phrases are only for toys, or children. Which by the way I am neither. I'm also not the punching bag for you to release all your anger on. I will be your shoulder. Or your brace.
Take it out on someone else bud. I like bright eyes. No need for you to sit there and smash it, because you know i like it and you're angry.

if you're really just going to leave me on the side, please let me know so I can start walking now.
God knows I can't stay here much longer.

As my suggestions are completely ignored and replaced with a new idea ( which isn't necessarily bad) I must come up with ideas on my own. Which is much harder to carry out when no one is beside you, pushing you to do something.

I'm jealous .

I can't really go see the three sisters by myself. I have to take someone.

Maybe I'll cozy up to the brother and the wife and see if i can hitch a ride back to nurnberg. I know it's a terrible thing, but everyone thinks something along those lines in their life.

I wish i could go to Canada. But that's another place I'll have to go on my own.

night drive

Painted, went to the gym, and now i plan to go to work on my day off. And what motivates me to do this? Money. Oh the pain of money... Need it, want it.
My brother and his wife coming home in a month. From germany. Is it terrible that sometimes i don't even think of him.

And I sit here, and i still don't think of him. Something else is rotting in my mind.
Sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes, people just need an excuse.

this is want. here.

i don't know if i made the right decision. perhaps i was too quick to decide. which happens to be my greatest ffault. my impulsive nature, always wanting things now. i want to be ok right now. "it's for the best" i whisper to myself at night. read the book, forget about it. get coffee with friends you rarely see. in this town you're all alone. but please remember me. i should have just left. we should have just drove to oregon. God I'm 18 and i am full of regrets. I don't say things i mean. I'm sorry. I wish. I wish. Oh god, how i wish for things. Life has just bogged my mind down. Why do I plan to go to college when i have no idea what the hell i am doing. Why throw this time away with school, when unhappily I will have to make a decision to do something with it. my misery.
I want to throw up. my impulsive nature is saying, life is slipping away. you're wasting time. go, please, just go. if you stop, so will the world. and I write this and immediately regret thsi. you're a drama queen. i hear a knowck, or the dogs are barking, so i run up the stairs, look out the window and look for the lumina, for my mistake coming to fix itself. if i sat in a chair in front of a man in that white coat, and he looked at me, could he fix me. could he tell me what the hell i need to do. or give me medication to help me solve the problems on my own. God used to be my man in the white coat, but i can't talk to him anymore. my father used to be the man with the answers and now he is just someone i keep the peace with. my poor mother, shunned from my world. i can't let her know, would she really understand, or would she just tell me that i am a fuck-up and i did it. i want to live the life now. passionately, without fear, or the ridiculous obligation that follows me like a ball and chain. my guilt eats away at me. please just be happy with what i can give you. i can't give a lot, i must give a fair share to everyone or no one. i wish i could give you more. but i can't. i physically can't. i wish i could just go. i'm so dependent. my coffee sit untouched. cigarette butts all over my car. oregon. every one has a place that means something to them.mecca, isreal, oregon.
i want to hide this post. but it doesn't give me the satisfaction. the chance of a random person commenting on it, saying things that will hurt, or offend, you a piece of comfort, only as much as typed words from strangers can give you.
why can't i just call you, leave my job, and go cross country.

i'm sorry for the mess i made of myself.

i felt so full, heavy, a bloated mind.too much to think. so after having something terrible for me and a milisecond cry, along a 5 minute drive. I returned to the composed side I had been lacking for the day.
SO note to oneself: go for a drive when things are full.

full

i hate waiting. waited for alli two days ago, for three hours, ended up it was too long and i had to leave due to traffic. last night, i promised to stay up for beth, six pina colidas later... no call no show. and now another wait, to hear from joe, which even when i do hear from him he will make a suggestion to go to a place that i really don't want to be, but i really don't want to be here either.
the tension is so palpable i could chew on it. the only thing that's heard is the bird's chirping. my father's furrowed brow is loud enough, words i suppose aren't needed.
been there done that. i'd really rather just avoid you than hear that speech.
i'd really just like to avoid everyone.

there was a brown praying mantis on my apartment door, just after making a huge difficult decision. he was completely still trying to blend with metal.

doesn't that mean good luck?