this coffee's cold

How music makes such a difference in my life. I can't write without it.

There's this lesson I'm learning about life...if i want to do something, I can't wait to find another person to do it with me. I need to learn to just get up on my own and get shit done. Perhaps I rely on other people because this person looks like he's got everything together. But in reality, everyone's just floating with the wind and I've anchored myself with doubt and guilt. She has a plan, so I must scratch one up out of the dust i've buried myself in. I can't follow someone elses dream... or their plan b for that matter. Stop trying to make your life parallel with his.

All of my posts are so melancholy. I don't know whether to write, well it's not so bad, because it really isn't... or to write i feel like i'm being dragged along because plan a has dissolved.


Seriously though, i'm afraid of plan b. Plan b is surburban, Plan b is settling.

at the bottom of the ocean

Look at the caller i.d. and freeze. My future just keeps creeping up on me.
The greatest of heroes had turmoil on their journey to who they were meant to be. And when it comes to mine, I just sit back and think well that's too hard, it's too far. there are so many options in life. will i be forever disappointed in myself for not following through with photography. After so many signs that I was on the right path... only to quit at the first sign of trouble.
But as I move on, working as server, I'm in a comfortable zone... well maybe I should just become a nurse and have cushy hours and full benefits along with the holidays off.
CCAD sprained my spirit. I'm on crutches. Lost because I need to find the "easiest path". I'm just so nervous to throw it all down and go after it one more time.


You can brave decisions Before you crumble up inside Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide


You can wait for ages Watch your compost turn to coal Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old

no words

Funny how i think of something to say. and the moment i put it down, i immediately wish to erase it. I guess I'm always looking for the perfect words to say. I want to be careful, make sure I understand what I am saying and if I really mean it. Half the time I don't mean it, it's just aching to be said.
Another funny, how I am dying to hear words most women would hate to hear. I see it in his eyes, trapped. It kills me that your mouth is saying different words than your eyes. I stare, tears rolling down, my eyes are pleading with his, but still no words.

Perhaps then, silence is the best measure to be taken. A safety net so things are not out of hand.


A moment of silence, please.

I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will. s. plath


i fixed up my profile and changed my picture. things were getting old. i almost changed the template too, but nothing is as dramatic and eye catching as this white on black.

i have begun to remember most of my dreams in the mornings. I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they aren't exactly pleasant. and like most of the dreams i remember, the all have a reoccuring theme wrapped in them. last summer: oranges, this fall... well it's silly so i will keep it to myself.

what to do now... these materials one day shall rise up and swallow me.

If there is less arguing there is less conflict. But pent up anger between the both of us, will make someone explode. Last night was like a conversation on replay, and it went on all night. You don't like advice that doesn't sway to your way. You are just as confused as everyone else, so why don't you just drop the "i know everything"bit. I mentioned travelling a week ago, and have heard nothing of the idea from you what so ever since then.
I would never travel with you? I think it's the other way around.
I've got nothing,stuck in this small town, opened my world back to you, and you don't want anything of it. If you just want to travel with your friends, please go ahead. But don't leave me here, on the back burner, so you have someone to call when you're lonely on the road. I would like to say i'm trying as hard as you, but i don't think you are trying that hard.
I really did want to see that movie. But after last night... not with a group of people, not with the people you rival with, pick-on, and leave invisible. In a group of people, I disappear. Try to get a word in, but it's damn near impossible.
"you were so worth..."
"you're allowed to do this now..."
those phrases are only for toys, or children. Which by the way I am neither. I'm also not the punching bag for you to release all your anger on. I will be your shoulder. Or your brace.
Take it out on someone else bud. I like bright eyes. No need for you to sit there and smash it, because you know i like it and you're angry.

if you're really just going to leave me on the side, please let me know so I can start walking now.
God knows I can't stay here much longer.

As my suggestions are completely ignored and replaced with a new idea ( which isn't necessarily bad) I must come up with ideas on my own. Which is much harder to carry out when no one is beside you, pushing you to do something.

I'm jealous .

I can't really go see the three sisters by myself. I have to take someone.

Maybe I'll cozy up to the brother and the wife and see if i can hitch a ride back to nurnberg. I know it's a terrible thing, but everyone thinks something along those lines in their life.

I wish i could go to Canada. But that's another place I'll have to go on my own.

night drive

Painted, went to the gym, and now i plan to go to work on my day off. And what motivates me to do this? Money. Oh the pain of money... Need it, want it.
My brother and his wife coming home in a month. From germany. Is it terrible that sometimes i don't even think of him.

And I sit here, and i still don't think of him. Something else is rotting in my mind.
Sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes, people just need an excuse.

this is want. here.

i don't know if i made the right decision. perhaps i was too quick to decide. which happens to be my greatest ffault. my impulsive nature, always wanting things now. i want to be ok right now. "it's for the best" i whisper to myself at night. read the book, forget about it. get coffee with friends you rarely see. in this town you're all alone. but please remember me. i should have just left. we should have just drove to oregon. God I'm 18 and i am full of regrets. I don't say things i mean. I'm sorry. I wish. I wish. Oh god, how i wish for things. Life has just bogged my mind down. Why do I plan to go to college when i have no idea what the hell i am doing. Why throw this time away with school, when unhappily I will have to make a decision to do something with it. my misery.
I want to throw up. my impulsive nature is saying, life is slipping away. you're wasting time. go, please, just go. if you stop, so will the world. and I write this and immediately regret thsi. you're a drama queen. i hear a knowck, or the dogs are barking, so i run up the stairs, look out the window and look for the lumina, for my mistake coming to fix itself. if i sat in a chair in front of a man in that white coat, and he looked at me, could he fix me. could he tell me what the hell i need to do. or give me medication to help me solve the problems on my own. God used to be my man in the white coat, but i can't talk to him anymore. my father used to be the man with the answers and now he is just someone i keep the peace with. my poor mother, shunned from my world. i can't let her know, would she really understand, or would she just tell me that i am a fuck-up and i did it. i want to live the life now. passionately, without fear, or the ridiculous obligation that follows me like a ball and chain. my guilt eats away at me. please just be happy with what i can give you. i can't give a lot, i must give a fair share to everyone or no one. i wish i could give you more. but i can't. i physically can't. i wish i could just go. i'm so dependent. my coffee sit untouched. cigarette butts all over my car. oregon. every one has a place that means something to them.mecca, isreal, oregon.
i want to hide this post. but it doesn't give me the satisfaction. the chance of a random person commenting on it, saying things that will hurt, or offend, you a piece of comfort, only as much as typed words from strangers can give you.
why can't i just call you, leave my job, and go cross country.

i'm sorry for the mess i made of myself.

i felt so full, heavy, a bloated mind.too much to think. so after having something terrible for me and a milisecond cry, along a 5 minute drive. I returned to the composed side I had been lacking for the day.
SO note to oneself: go for a drive when things are full.

full

i hate waiting. waited for alli two days ago, for three hours, ended up it was too long and i had to leave due to traffic. last night, i promised to stay up for beth, six pina colidas later... no call no show. and now another wait, to hear from joe, which even when i do hear from him he will make a suggestion to go to a place that i really don't want to be, but i really don't want to be here either.
the tension is so palpable i could chew on it. the only thing that's heard is the bird's chirping. my father's furrowed brow is loud enough, words i suppose aren't needed.
been there done that. i'd really rather just avoid you than hear that speech.
i'd really just like to avoid everyone.

there was a brown praying mantis on my apartment door, just after making a huge difficult decision. he was completely still trying to blend with metal.

doesn't that mean good luck?

hi all.

so now having so much trouble with this school,my mother tells me i should look elsewhere in majors and careers besides the arts.
i love the arts...but perhaps my mother is right.

so after watching bravo, i kinda lookking at real estate? is that weird? probably...but anyways the outlook is faster than average, and schooling could either be between 3 weeks to only 2 years, then you go straight into your career. and if i got a mentor i have a better chance at being successful.
i'm not giving up on photography yet, but it would be smart to also loook into other careers too.

its so hard picking out a career. especially when i am spending 30,000 dollars to a school that isn't teaching me anything thats directly related to my major because of a freshmen year requirements.
plus even if i leave my major, photography will always be with me anyways. it's something i could never really give up.
lee what do you think?

chroma glow

i'm the girl on the escalator going the wrong way. the one who can't swim and ended up in the deep end.
my mother thinks that the arts aren't for me.

then i honestly don't know what is.
i was sure that photography was.

how come in this school, to be a photographer, i have to be a painter and an illustrator also? my parents probably think i'm a failure. and my cash flow is insanely low. he doesn't call or even answer my calls.

this is me in a pit of depression. i have a painting class next... which i enjoy to paint but hate the critiques. I know mine isn't the best compared to everyone else, but compared to what i have done and my abilities its my best. and if my best isn't good enough, well i just don't know what i can do.

all i want to do is travel. thats it.


goodness i wish i was a smarter person. i make stupid decisions and overestimate myself. time and time again.


my life is too real. far too real.

Catch-up

I can't write long. But I would love to. I decided after class to go get a sandwich and coffee and sit behind the big window in front of the cafe. I watched students flutter by in the rain. Trying not to get their projects and sketch-books drenched in the rain. The good thing about CCAD is there are plenty of huge windows to just daze into and watch the world.
Especially when I need a break.

I'm a bad student. Bad.

Well all I know is that i came into the computer lab to do a project and have ended up on blogger. yet again.
My painting class takes too much out of me to do any work beforehand.

It looks like at this school, everyone is trying to play catch-up. We weren't ready for this world, we were already behind. Always playing catch-up. I know I am. This is due tomorrow, so i can't do the homework for today. The vicious cycle takes a toll on the art students, the standards and cookie cutter techiniques would rip out the soul of any creative young thing.
But it's good for me. I haven't gotten my artist soul yet. hehe. I am in the process of creating one. I don't have much techinique anyways, but I know a few mournful alumni's that miss the way they used to paint, the old ways of drawing, the amatuer youthful style which has become traditional and clean cut.
she tells me she can never get it back.


sad story. but like i said before...i don't draw or paint, so i suppose this is good for me to atleast have one. I'm not picky.

No internet in my place for 5 weeks. That's hard. Let me tell you.

Numbers

I am beginning to understand a little tiny fraction of myself. In this day and age, you must be quick on your feet, fast paced fast thinker. The world roars 'go', as i stand still, watching and waiting for the perfect moment to act. I am by no means anal or a perfectionist. I like to go slow, I like to relax, and I like to handle things at a speed where I am most comfortable and I can truly understand the thoughts that wave in my head. New ideas to be tossed actually is a long process for me.

SO why in the world would I try to take on more than I can handle. Some would call me stupid or far too slow. But it would be stupid of me to do too many things, and create anxiety that doesn't need to take place in my future life-time. And if i can prevent that, by all means I will.
This is my own explanation of why I dropped my 3D class.
Basically my mechanics suck, and i truly cannot handle an 8th class to the schedule. Sorry CCAD, cannot and willnot try.


I have also recently discovered that the graduation rate at Columbus College of Art and Design is quite the meager number.
49% of students will graduate from CCAD. This is apart from the 41% who drop out or transfer to a different school after their first year.


If I was the school, I wouldn't be promoting those statistics.





Either way, life is too short for me to be stressed out over classes that aren't of any specific interest to me. I will take things slow, completely understand , and do things the way things should be done for me.

I find no stupidity in that.

Numbers

I am beginning to understand a little tiny fraction of myself. In this day and age, you must be quick on your feet, fast paced fast thinker. The world roars 'go', as i stand still, watching and waiting for the perfect moment to act. I am by no means anal or a perfectionist. I like to go slow, I like to relax, and I like to handle things at a speed where I am most comfortable and I can truly understand the thoughts that wave in my head. New ideas to be tossed actually is a long process for me.

SO why in the world would I try to take on more than I can handle. Some would call me stupid or far too slow. But it would be stupid of me to do too many things, and create anxiety that doesn't need to take place in my future life-time. And if i can prevent that, by all means I will.
This is my own explanation of why I dropped my 3D class.
Basically my mechanics suck, and i truly cannot handle an 8th class to the schedule. Sorry CCAD, cannot and willnot try.


I have also recently discovered that the graduation rate at Columbus College of Art and Design is quite the meager number.
49% of students will graduate from CCAD. This is apart from the 41% who drop out or transfer to a different school after their first year.


If I was the school, I wouldn't be promoting those statistics.





Either way, life is too short for me to be stressed out over classes that aren't of any specific interest to me. I will take things slow, completely understand , and do things the way things should be done for me.

I find no stupidity in that.

the city slumbers

the city isn't big but it sure is lonely when you're out there by yourself. i guess things will change by tomorrow, because if they don't i'm not going to stay here long.
my apartment is the kind of apartment you would imagine a starving artist living in. so i guess we mesh, the apartment and i. i tried to make it nice, with the stained antique chair that also happens to be broken. 780 dollars worth of supplies lying all over my floor. i have no where to put it. along with my sanity.
perhaps i really am insane.
i havent had the internet for a good week. found the library. it's quiet here. it's quiet in my apartment. the city is a quiet one.
i can't go out at night, because there are hobos in the park which is only a few buildings down. people get jumped i'm told. and a young girl like myself shouldn't go anywhere by myself.
i am going to make myself potatos tonight. a comfort food that is always appreciated. says my stomach.


here it is again. nothing to blog about except food and a couple oddities that spring from the mind.

i told someone a few days ago that i had no imagination. i cried later repeating the words," I do have an imagination."
i was just trying to convince myself.

instead of going out on a friday night i stained, painted, and cleaned my furniture for the new apartment.

i'm obsessed with my new old vintage chair, ripped the old stain off, cleaned off the gooey grime and stained the beautiful wood arms. looks good. now i have to clean the pads.

i also have a huge lamp that stands about 4 ft. looking like it was from the 30's. brass round bottom. gorgeous.

and painting ugly old dressers. oh well i am excited.


this is my life

i hate going through the motions. every morning is a routine.

my car died, which throws a wrench in the usual. i got an apartment for super cheap close to my college. do polaroids have black and white film? they probably do.

i'm starting to freak out. this whole new situation equates to some harsh anxiety.

i got my tattoo. no pictures quite yet. sorry dear lee.

someone asked me at our vegetarian barbeque if i was an only child. i told them "no but I am the only sane one" which is a lie. i've come to the realization that i am as wacko as the next, i just may be able to hide it better.

i will finally live on my own. no one else. just the city and i.

i'm off to hide in the real world, doing real worldly things, such as working and fixing my car.