i must have really high blood pressure. last thursday i had two nose bleeds in one day, which I have never had before. and last night was the second time i have had an anxiety attack. my throat began to close up and everything gets dizzy.

i feel nervous blogging as i hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

i don't know whats going to happen but i am exhausted from yelling and crying.
one week left and my parents have taken everything away from a good kid.

i have been told i have to pay room and board. i have to decide whether i am a cchild or an adult. i thought the benefits of being a young adult was that you really weren't either and you were excused from deciding.

it's ok. the future calms me again.

i hate my mother. cliche as it sounds there is nothing to change her mind about what she feels about me. she repeatedly called me a fool. said some of the most spiteful and hurtful words than backed it up with that i should look around to see who is there for me.
hypocrites.

so i ended up bawling and i can feel myself starting to cry now.

it doesn't matter who you are because in the end people are going to believe what they want to believe. according to my mother i am a whore fool who has lost everythign about herself for a bum named Joe, that he has taken everything from my personality to the God i pray to repeatedly.

does it really matter.

this is a letter to the people i cannot connect or make contact with.
i give up. it is easier to sell your soul than to fight for what you feel is what i have learned. lie. the truth will not be believed so whats the point in arguing.

CCAD stands for Candace Came and Dominated

The thoughts of life roll around in my head.

Ever get tired of the same old thoughts? same old worries? I am. Man how I am sick of it all.

hopefully this will end soon.


the 2 hour trip down to columbus was worth it. everything happened very quickly so I hope to remember it all when it comes down to choosing a future. I have a chance of earning 10,000 to 40,000 dollars in scholarship money.
Woah now.
Everything went very well. And I was accepted to CCAD. the end.


Pray for me, God knows, really he does, I need it.

reckless youth

that was on an aquarium day. ridiculous face? i agree.

the intricate details of growing up

the lighting in my room just happens to be perfect. one light. blinds are closed, although that wouldn't make a difference if they were. it doesn't make my walls seem so buttery.

i've never known whats good for me.

the difference between you and me is that you are obsessed with the past and what happened, in contrast, I am obsessed with the future and what might happen. I cannot tell which is unhealthier. we both cannot enjoy the present because we are too busy looking somewhere else.

adolescence made her an activist

this is my comfort zone, making up plans for the future with someone else. it is comforting believing that someone will be there with you. i have done this since i was 13. "One day me and you will live in a big apartment together and meet our boyfriends together and get married together..."etc etc. or the more recent ideal dream of the future," Let's disappear in the city together..."

i made the mr. coffee overflow. too much water, not enough space. i lose.

my sister will be turn the ripe age of 14 this upcoming monday. i would love to just shrink her back to the age of seven. save her from the complications that every step in life will create for her.

it is all inevitable.

16 days left. My God it is coming up fast. the end is inevitable.






here it comes. it's always coming.

goodness gracious

this day has been full of emotional highs and lows. between waking early and late, winning and failing, gaining and losing... the contrasts have never been so prominent in a day as this one has.

as we sat there, in between booths something whispered to me,"this isn't it. this isn't it"

i fling between the ideas of city and the desert. two extremes. i need humanity. i need to get lost and be lost and disappear.

i have a library now. of the thing i am most passionate about. and i have equiptment but no place to put it as of now.

signs. i asked and He gave.

i wish i could spill my entire pleothora of thoughts right now. but unfortunately i am too vastly exhausted to begin.

so i wish thee farewell good friend.

oh indecision- how i abhor thee.

i carved your name across my eyelids

my brain is filled with nonsense and worthless bits of information when i should have been studying for topics that actually mattered to tests. and working for 9 hours (not complaining) can really fry a girl's brain.

you prayed for rain, i prayed for blindness.

i am changing my signature to an asexual signature. candace skinner and C.E. Skinner sound completely different and slightly more...mysterious? that's what i am going for kids.

man, i am very.anxious. heres your chance. can you handle it? are your hopes up yet? will you watch the failure flitter down with the snowflakes of january.?.

january. the month of obligation and duty. the month to start your resolutions and get things done.

the winter night sky is a completely different sky compared to summer night sky. ever notice that? the cold air and the clear nights. bright stars and calm moon. although i hate the cold...the winter night sky makes up for it.

flashback. sleeping bags. my drive-way. the stars. the very end of winter and beginning of spring. we laid there and discussed the future, the relationships, the God. i went inside to get 4 more pairs of socks. two for me and two for you. i could have laid there forever.

another flashback. summer. cool nights. fuzzy moon, the stars were the only things that stood out. dew crept up on our sleeping bags, and we watched for it in the wee hours of anticipation and excitement.

one more. winter. a little after evening but before the night sky was in full effect. 3 days after christmas. we said our goodbyes and then stood there as i threw snowballs. i just wanted to play, yet exhaustion had taken you over. no play, just sleep.

fear overwhelms me. this is it. watch it go. the months are flying by. mid-january and still so many things to do...

we promised the world we tamed it, what were we hoping for.

epiphanies in a dragon garden

tonight, over egg drop soup, i realized that conversations are empty observations overall.

sad existence.

while scholastics is burning inside my mind....no one else really cares, not even the person i wish cared the most.

and so loneliness washed over me like the weather patterns of ohio...abrupt and ever-changing.

the coldest nights have the brightest stars.

the juxtaposition of my life and the weather

one phone call, makes a huge mess out of this weekend. my hopes are up- and unfortunately there is a 25% chance that i will be let down.
what are you feeling candace?
anxiety. doubtful. i have questioned everything i am passionate about in the past 24 hours. intense.

strange how a few words or lack of words can impact a persons mood. my excitement was turned into a dreading, doubting mood after 20 minutes.

the weather is parallel with my life right now. yesterday:sunny, calm today:winter, change,dynamic.
perhaps God did that on purpose.

c'mon feel the illinoise.


I just need a little push. a little reassurance that this is right. that i'll be ok and things could work out.
patience.

my life happens to spin around and up and down. always the same cycles of being absolutley positive to uncontrollabley doubtful. we call this being psychotic. and i've got it.

i wish you were here right now.

difference between tangerines and clementines

still no word from the very hostile letter i have written. i wait still.

can you find yourself in a bamboo forest, lost in the shades of jade. with me beside you? i feel the vibrant greens seep into my skin. leave the booze and weapons behind. only passion will be found.

for you i'd wait 'til kingdom come.

the days are counting down until the leaving. of myself and of you. will fate intervene and allow my counting go in vain?

i must say being in random places by myself with things to do and accomplish, is refreshing. the commotion and movement is calming in between the music i allow myself to get lost in. my concentration is at it's peak.

this modern love wastes me.


self loathing does a person no good. the faults i have fallen upon, unfortunately, are very hard to fix. my humanly ways cannot be dehumanized until i kill the human. 707, i pray that it helps.


i do not have much to offer. and unfortunately the things i love are no good to you, or for that fact not good enough.
i wish i could capture this moment for you to experience. the sounds, the clarity, simplicity surrounds me, being alone has never been more fulfilling.

balance.

i want to take you far from the cynics of this town and kiss you on the mouth.

i've begun to read an exciting book of gothic fiction about the downfall of an idolized monk. I laughed at first seeing the book, then was immediately enveloped by the plot.
THE MONK
quite an enthralling read so far.

we've escaped winter for a short period of time. these moments are espresso and cigarettes. movement and passion. laptops and futures.

forgive me fo my shortcomings.
and the random blurbs you will never understand.

you are the bluest light.

the real disappearance of the red handed child

online letters are sweet. reeeeally they are. because instead of calling up the person and telling them what you think, you decide to write a letter out of cowardice for everyone to see. and if i hadn't accidently come upon it- i would have never known.

believe me i want YOU, specifically YOU, to read this then call me. because if YOU have something to say to ME; then f'ing say it. this is my letter to you. i have specifically written this for a response back. it is not my place to call you up and ask what the problem is. you have a problem...you bring it up.

maybe it it time some people learn the things that go on behind closed doors. this is real life- people get away with things. choices have consequences even to the best of the characters.

the red handed child is dead. and you murdered her.

try this name: C_A_N_D_A_C_E



want to know why i stayed with joe? i can give you reasons. just ask. or call me up. i really don't feel like explaining on my blog that was made for different reasons.
myspace is all drama and it never ends.




people are real lame these days.

frozen doors of a quiet morning

silence is so loud in this house it rings in my ears. a slight headache is left, my eyebrow is torn open. it was enough to leave me in strange dreams of my father and angela. so strange.

closure is the name of the game. now lets see if this girl can become eloquent with her words and drop her easy, clumsy ways of speaking. careful, careful now. it is dangerous to reopen the wounds of the past. it can leave a wake in the path of the present. be careful.

my temper is enough to leave a person bloody and regretful. it blinds me. it hinders. leaves a mark that i rightfully deserve. be slow to anger.

i sit here imagining this room to be white. with photographs covering the walls. my photographs. and i imagine his room changing, we will forget him and replace this room into something i can use. there will be chemicals and no windows, quiet and black.

did you know i have always hated arkansas? well i do.

don't be sad dear friend. i wish to go but lack the means. my future is pulling me in different directions. as a young adult i must make responsible decisions that will better impact my life for the future. i want the dream more than a beautiful place. places change, as everything else does, which contrasts with the slight hold i have on my future. i want to leave. probably more than anyone here...but life still pulls.

don't be sad, i no longer hurt over the things i used to. i have grown and learn from my past. i hurt for much different reasons now.

be calm be quiet. pages slipping through my fingers is a beautiful sound.

i can feel the vigor of life. i can't explain or expand too well upon it, but i know it is there residing within me. do you see the people who move on through life with nothing but their blinking eyes and breathing chests and beating hearts? You would not know they lived without their vital signs. i want people to know i am alive, i am passionate. passion is by far the greatest and most attractive quality i have found in life. i will strive to possess it, to be it.

they don't understand the new life, the new things, the new places... how it revives a soul. we are young, we are fresh, but they expect us to settle, to stagnate, to die. they ask me, earnestly, "why do you go?" and i must reply, " why do you stay?".

There is only one thing in life the must be constant. It is an actual need. God is my dependable, my constant, my reliable. He is the only constant you need. I've realized this. i cannot rely on people, or places, or things, these are the worlds motions and I do not wish to be of this world. Rely on Him

"brave love, dream
not of staunching such strict flame, but come,
lean to my wound; burn on, burn on."

stress was the main ingredient for today. lack of sleep... early wake...deadlines.

i wait here, for strength as the thoughts and actions of today pass by me.

time flies by. it trickles out of my hands. the pressure screams at me GO GO GO. faster! Do you have the time sir? cause i know i sure don't.


leave leave leave. everyone leaves. i'm going to be left and then leave.
everyone thinks arizona now....well maybe it's columbus. maybe i will never leave and be stuck here.
my spirit is broken by my own personal wanderings.
i'm so tired.

i write because no one listens. i wish you would, without any condescending tone. support me like i support you. i write because there are barely any comments. there are no replies that twist what i have said.
i write because it feels good and there is a lack of that in my life.


i'm crazy and alone and absurd.
2006 means coming and going and moving on.

the seagull's revenge

coffee and brownies make for a great breakfast lemme tell you.

with school back into full swing, all my responsibility has come back. not that i had much to begin with but i still regret going to bed so late and waking up so early. immediately i think exams and quizzes i took, and i think i as supposed to read for great gatsby but it doesn't matter because i've already read it. these thoughts all were rampaging in my mind in the shower.
i need to go to the bank. i need to get gas. i need to get my pictures developed. i need to think of titles NOW. i need to study. i need to figure out my life.
i need sleep.

i had another dream about the aquarium. i think i was flinging back and forth between myself looking at the fish and actually being a fish looking at myself.

good coffee cups in the morning make the world of difference with my mood.

it's ok. i know i am insane.

conflicts of enlightenment

I think I might have a panic attack. like beth did.

mistakes I cannot afford. i feel very intensely scared and confused. what exactly happened to let me drop everything?

nothing has changed.

i've changed. Since last year to now, I am constant with my personality, and yet I feel as though I have transformed into two different people. My New Years was so reflective and now I am afraid to go back and forget everything. Who I am. What it feels like to be me, because i forget a lot.

I feel like a disappointment to some. Then again, i am not sure if I really care. I have virginia superslims in my purse right now...how does that make you feel?

my dreams last night consisted of my brother and his new situation that has me in complete resentment to him. i was yelling and crying... he stood there apathetically. quite realistic in almost every sense.

i let my dirty laundry out to dry. it is a sickening habit of mine. sorry to all who must face it. even the clothes hamper.

there are moments in your life that are so exhilarating and refreshing that through the normal every-day life, it just happens to replay over and over. The same smells and sounds are re-lived in the facets of your brain. no one will ever really understand how it impacted you and why, so you just keep quiet and allow yourself the mental paradise to get away in the moment.




the rust and rain endure.

love is forgetful.

tar filled bubbles

the aquarium was so peaceful and fun. I had the perfect group of girls. It kept my mind off of things and kept me happy and confident. I wished so bad that i was a fish. Floating around in the tank, the whole creepy people staring probably wouldn't be too fun.

I don't know me and you don't know you,so we fit so good together 'cause I knew you like I knew myself

i woke up yesterday at 8, but laid in bed listening to music until 12. I curled up staying warm, and from where I was laying i could only see this violet gray light streaming in. it was calming.

We clung on like barnacles on a boat, even though the ship sinks you know you can't let go.

i have my hopes up really high for tonight. I think i'll just blend in, but it will be awesome to observe and sit back. i need this tonight.

I was talking like two hands knocking Saying, "Let me in, let me in. Please come out."

so i have no idea anymore. i feel very lost.
ever think a lot of things have gone wrong because you didn't pray enough? well here i am. i need to pray for big things. ask for signs. and perhaps God will show mercy and do it.

oh humanity how i hate you.

i'm still in shock. out of nowhere.
i told myself to be careful.
damn.
i'm heartbroken.

bathroom floor confessions

Although secretly yesterday was one of the most difficult days... It was very good considering the situation i'm in.

A girl from work went to ihop yesterday with me and beth. It was really nice to have a new personality in the mix. It kept my mind occupied.

no one wants to die angry

This morning i woke up with memories flooding my mind. I hate this part. We were driving somewhere, we played weezer over and over again. I just kept laughing and laughing.

keep yourself busy girl.

new years has become something entirely too important for me. It's what i think about to keep my head up. I'm really excited and I don't even have plans yet.

box car racer. hocking hills. the barn.

between the click of light.

my stomach hurts. it's this sickening Oh My God feeling. If you know what i am talking about, i feel for you.

i want you more.

i probably feel sick considering the fact that all i have consumed lately is coffee. It's my unhealthy addiction. Everyone has gotta have one.

the problem with blogs... i really can't write exactly what i feel. I feel like a sap already. I really would love to just say it all. But unfortunately I have a reputation to keep up. That's probably the most disgusting thing I have ever said.

Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - but it's better if you do.

that quote just popped up in my head. slightly random but i felt it was needed.
if you're wondering about the title of this blog. I am sitting in my underwear listening to music and typing away on here.

i've got a long way to go.

Egypt's prairie land.

I walked out of that house without wiping a tear off my face. "These people mean nothing to me. And I mean nothing to them." then I left.

I put on my new shoes. Today I am going to pretend I am a real photographer, with black on, for beth.

I think I applied to NAU for early admission. But after the email I have recieved from the photography director, I am starting to think this is not the place for me. He basically told me to look at a different school if I am looking at photography. So I have applied for University of Arizona, and hopefully their art program is better. Perhaps this is a sign from God that Arizona is not the place.
Photography gives me a peace of mind. A calm I can create and control.
So maybe this is a sign from God that Photography is it for me. I love to do it. I love the boundless amounts of creativity found in it. Money never meant anything to me...as long as I do what I adore. This is what I adore.


Even though I passed up the deadline to SVA... I think I might apply anyways.



I have created a new persona over the past year of who i want to be. Everytime I have a piece of that person, I have a new found peace. It's like playing dress up or putting a mask on of your favorite person in the whole world.
She wears black. Red lipstick. High heels. And could careless about anyone around her. Maybe she smokes. She has a camera around her shoulder, her hair is pulled back.
I hate smoke.

This is me hiding.

2006 is almost here. Endings and beginnings will fill the year.
Thank GOD it is almost here.

where the wet stars are keeping their exquisite dreams

after cleaning my room and getting ready for work, I decided to surf the internet.

my conclusion: some people should not write poetry. I feel like if kim was reading this- she would whole-heartedly agree.

another conclusion: some should not post pictures of themselves on the internet. it isn't flattering.


i went to bed early last night. I felt emotionally and physically drained, but my mind was flowing with ideas for photography. Out of nowhere, in the darkness I had a whole lot of ideas. I couldn't fall asleep for anything.
I have all these photographs inside my head, just laying there. All I have to do is put it together. Super excited. Kind of nervous.

my father had even complimented me, i overheard him speaking to my uncle. he said " they aren't just photographs, it's like fine art. it's really neat to see."

i just got really pumped.


"O Love! upon thy dim shrine of intangible commeration... i spill my bright incalcuable soul."

I told her I wanted to be everything

I don't know how to put this gently....but I am typing this in bed right now. In other words, I got a sweet laptop for christmas.

Christmas, is the same every year. We have talked about the same subject since I was ten. It basically ruins christmas for everyone except the two people who find it necessary to bring it up. And my cousin loves to bring up how her and I are the only two normal ones in this dysfunctional family. Too bad she doesn't see that she is as dysfunctional as the rest. As am I.

I went to my Grandmother's house today. It is so heartbreaking to see the neighborhood dilapidate, and her house is slowly deteriorating. My memories of childhood summers are falling apart with the place. The aluminum swing set was still there, rusting away with the weather. I can smell the summer and hear the running paces between me and other children, pushing the swings at eachother.

My "uncle" Chris was there tonight. He has lost mass amounts of weight and really cannot walk too well. Even with death in close perspective, his attitude hasn't changed.

The Christmas Belle, my grandmother, has changed immensely from the time of the funeral. Her spirit is still there with us but her mind is aloof.

Read me your favorite line.
E.E. Cummings sits next to me. If you haven't read any of his works, I highly suggest it.

"i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss,"

intense.

our name is our virtue

when things start out bad, they usually end bad.

no more.

open up your plans and damn your free.



christmas seems so rushed this year. I am running around, nothing is wrapped. our thought through. such a mess. and i can't wait for the family get together. I love the holiday season, not the holiday. it's gonna be a lonely one this year.

it's a sharp pain at first, then as soon as it become habitual, it's only a slight irritation. like everything else in life: you get used to it and move on.

no more

i lack understanding of time. half way through the year...college? it's a mess. i guess i am going here and have applied there but am quite clueless. when i suggested to run away, i was mostly serious.

when i went around that curve this morning, the same one as before, i considered going as fast before. i used to see how fast i could make it around there.

i want to break something important. something about that "beauty in the breakdown" eh? perhaps someone out there understands what i just meant.


i won't hesitate, no more, no more.